Sometimes Blending a Family Isn’t a Piece of Cake

Sometimes two people get lucky. After divorcing the parent to their children they happen upon their perfect partner and his & hers kids match up well. The family is united without much issue. The ex spouse is amazingly supportive and works together to help keep the blended family an encouraged addition to the children’s lives.

Then… you have the other types of blended family scenarios, which sadly are far more common to every day life for divorced couples.

The Other Side to Blending a Family Sometimes Blending a Family Isnt a Piece of Cake

You meet. You fall in love. You realize it’s time to introduce the kids. You are nervous, you talk together about how you will work with any bumps along the road and you get your plan together. Then the kids meet. The kids love each other. Yours and theirs, they get along as if they had been around each other for years. It makes you and your partner stop blinking for fear this is a dream that will end upon that next blink. It’s bliss. Pure blended family bliss!

Then … it happens… the ex gets jealous or insecure that the other “new parent figure” will take their place and in turn passes their insecurities down to the kids by pushing them away from the other parent as well as the other parents partner and by default, the children from the new partner.

This is where blending a family becomes near impossible. I don’t often use the term impossible, and maybe blending a family when an ex pushes their own insecurities onto a child can work if the child realizes what is going on. Sadly, this is not the case at this moment in time. Teenagers. Teenagers not raised to have this family bond, the sense of family togetherness, the sense of what’s right versus what’s wrong. Teenagers living primarily in an environment that breeds drugs, alcoholics and parents not wishing to parent their children. Teenagers left to be able to do whatever they want without many boundaries set because the other parent feels that “they are teenagers and you compromise with them”.

Shakes my head.

What do you do when your own flesh and blood cannot see the self destructive path they are going down? What do you do to help them blend well with your happy, positive home environment that promotes boundaries, rules and a sense of family unity? What do you do when the ex has made it so completely impossible for you to do anything and if you did try, the few days a month you see these teens, you are not able to get them to get on a better path.

It’s not easy to parent kids these days, so many negative temptations out there at their finger tips. Parents not being parents. Children raising children. This day and age has lost the sense of family unity but a few people still promote such a sense of pride in their family. When teenagers have slipped to the other side of things and you have no way of getting them off of that path, what do you do? Do you continue to have them around those few days a month when you can see they are clearly completely miserable and imposing their negative attitude onto others in the blended family? Do you continue to dread seeing your children because you want to see them as they were just under a year ago? Up until eight months ago life was great. Blending the family unit worked, there were some bumps that came up but overall it was good. We had little, if any, complaints.

Now … we sit here. We watch.

Teenagers falling down a path that they cannot even seem to realize. Kids who need guidance, love and boundaries. Kids who need to realize the path they are going down isn’t going to lead to a successful hard working mentality as adults. A life that can lead down a path that has disastrous results. It’s sad really, that a person would do such a thing to their own children. It’s sad that the children do not see how they were turned against their new blended family unit instead of encouraged to be happy in both households, encouraged to have a relationship with both households. It’s just sad. It is also very wrong. Maybe one day, the hope is, that these children will mature enough to realize the wrong, hurtful things their other parent has done to them. That’s a big hope that is out of our control, we are doing the best we can and living life to the best of our abilities. One hard decision is that we cannot have that negativity be imposed upon our household that has a happy & positive tone as well as a family united mentality. We are doing all we can do. Just living each day to the fullest and keeping hope!

“Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family – Step Family and All #coparenting

Usually I am a really nice person but as of this past week or so my hormones have been raging and this means I have less tolerance for human beings without common sense. I have watched as a person who is suppose to be a Mother tear her kids apart for the past six months and then do a 180 and is Miss Awesome-Cool Mom. It’s mind blowing and the kids have paid for it, no one else pays for parents being this way other than the children. Mess your child up and you are one sick individual. Who would ever stoop to such a low. You know what? I think that some people are just that self absorbed that they don’t think about the future chaos it can cause in the mind of a child, especially an easily influenced one.

Parents who Peg their Children Against Other Parent Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family   Step Family and All #coparenting

Thank God my children have been raised to stand up to anyone, including me, when they feel something is not right. My three children have good morals, good character and a self esteem that assists them in standing firm for what they believe in, yes even if that means standing up to their parents. I never wanted my children to feel they don’t have a voice, I encouraged them to have a voice. Mind you, some days it’s not all that fun and I joke about why in the world I would have encouraged such things – but in reality it’s for the best that children have courage, self esteem and confidence to speak up for their own self. Especially when a parent is doing wrong.

Each day I watch my children chatting with each other, getting along, supporting each other then fighting and arguing. They are siblings, true siblings – they love each other one moment and the next it’s a free for all fight. With that being said, my chidlren wouldn’t ever let anyone else hurt them. My kiddos have been through a lot and my middle child continues to go through a lot with his mood disorder and anxiety, but they have always been raised with love. Love from their Mama and their Dad. Love from their family no matter what. I am blessed to know that my children will not be placed in a situation where another parent is going to try to brainwash them or turn them against me, and I would never turn them against their Dad’s either. It’s not okay. Ever. Period. To do such a thing!

I can’t understand why people do what they do. When I sit and think about it, I honestly just feel that some people are simply 1) selfish 2) never been held accountable for anything in their life and/or 3) lack self control and confidence to know that their children will always love their parents even if they develop a great bond with a step parent. There’s nothing wrong with having more family! The more the merrier, at least that’s how my kids and I think!

“Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

This is What Has Been Keeping My Butt Busy #move #NH #family

This is what has been keeping me busy … the closing happened, the moving truck was being picked up … the kids were ready to assist in getting into our new blended family household…. we arrived and we had to unpack … the boys had a blast checking out their new bedroom and started rough playing almost immediately …

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As we walked around, I felt almost in dream land because our open concept dining and living room just is sooo biggggg…

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I love that we have a gas fire place in the living room, while it isn’t going to heat a whole house, it looks appealing and will add some warmth this Winter in assistance with our heating oil.

New House 5 768x1024 This is What Has Been Keeping My Butt Busy #move #NH #family

Our kitchen is not super huge, we need more cabinet space for sure but overall it is a cute kitchen that in this picture was still full of boxes… the girls were in charge of getting those boxes unpacked…

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Even Jenny the Pug has been enjoying her new home, she has a leash that was already attached here on the house, we believe it may have been previously used for hanging clothes outside but works perfect for Miss Jenny the Pug and she loves being outside running around with us on this leash thing …

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So moving has been a huge time taker and combining his kids, my kids and us into a new home has been a fun yet new experience for us all. We are working out the kinks and trying to unpack while get work done and be fun Summer parents too. So I am busy but it’s all with great end results I am positive of that!

 

 

 This is What Has Been Keeping My Butt Busy #move #NH #family

Words I Shall Never Forget & May Use My Own Self

When I was a about 12 or 13 years old, maybe younger, not quite sure exactly, my Mom had this boyfriend. He was new, he wasn’t my Dad and I didn’t like him much at all at first. I was that daughter, the brat who apparently didn’t like my mom’s boyfriends unless they spoiled us girls. That’s how kids think, right? It’s all about them, never mind their parents happiness mattering.

I didn’t take to this guy very easily as I really don’t recall I ever took lightly to any of my Mom’s boyfriends while younger, however, he soon grew to be accepted by me and someone to this day words will stick with me. I think he was the one person who taught me how I may want to parent, it wasn’t just him because I do parent a lot like my Dad too. I am the perfect mix of all I had around me growing up with a twist of who I am personally.

The words I shall never forget were said to me during my trying of parent’s patience years. The teen years when I knew all. I did all I wanted to do. And no one matter but me. Yeah those years. I used to sneak out of my bedroom window at night, I would climb out of my bedroom window on the second floor of house, shimmy across the shingles to jump up on roof. Then shimmy down the angled roof to the top of the porch and jump off down to friends, usually boys. To hang out, have fun and well do things I shouldn’t have been doing at that age.

We had two doberman pinchers back then who barked like crazy some nights and although that freaked me out, nothing could stop me from sneaking out. It was what I wanted to do and that is all that mattered back then. Well one day my Mom’s boyfriend, who I called my Step Dad later on in life (even though they never married and have not been together for years now), said to me “If I catch anyone climbing into this house in a window, in the dark, I will be sitting there with a baseball bat and beat whoever it is that is sneaking in. To me that is an intruder and when it’s dark I won’t be able to see who it is. Just so you know”

That was his way of basically calling me out on sneaking out. The thing I loved most about this man was that he could scare the ever loving crap out of me, but did it in a way that wasn’t intimidating to a teen girl who ” knew all”. I don’t know if I ever snuck out after that talk, maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. But I do know those are the creative ways I would talk to my kids if they were up to no good. Let them know that I am aware of what they are doing and will rectify the situation if it happens again, but in a way that doesn’t challenge their teen brains to do it more. Not sure i would ever basically say I would beat my kids with a baseball bat, but I would be creative and am today with the kids being 10, 6 and 4.

Those are the words I shall never, ever forget.

 Words I Shall Never Forget & May Use My Own Self

Communication Is Key To All

Whether you are looking to fix a relationship, solve a problem or deal with step parenting; communication is key to an amicable resolution. Blended families come in all different sizes, shapes and colors. A blended family may be that of a step mom or step dad with a birth mom or dad.  A blended family may be adopted children with biological children or something in between those examples. No matter what type of blended family you are, challenges may arise.

It’s tough to raise children in a biological family setting but it can be even harder in a blended family environment. When you give birth to a child you are planning on loving that child and protecting that child no matter what, it can be hard to step back and allow a step parent to come into your life and implement your agreed upon discipline tactics. As a parent we tend to be very maternal or paternal with our children in some cases extremely so. Marrying another person who is not a biological parent of your child will make you rethink parenting, you will have to let go and realize that the step parent is in love with you and your child. The step parent wants the same thing you dream of; a happy, safe, loving environment that your child can flourish in and become a mature adult with good morals, attainable life goals and a well balanced emotional state of mind.

The child of a step parent may not be open to having this new “parent” come in and tell them what to do, give them time outs or take away special privaledges. It is up to the biological parent to work with both their child and the step parent to ensure both are aware of what is expected from each of them and assist in developing a level of respect between the two. It is normal and to be expected that a child will feel confused about the divorce or separation of their biological parents, during the transition process of welcoming a step parent into the picture each adult should tread lightly but firmly to crete an easy transition for the child but also allow the child to understand he/she must respect this new family member.

If you are at a loss for how to involve your new partner into your child’s life, seek counseling. A counselor will be able to provide an unbiased view of each adult in the household and evaluate the child’s emotional state of mind. A counselor will be able to guide you through this transition process in a way that will benefit all family members involved. If you are opposed to involving a “stranger” in your lives, maybe you can find a mutual friend or family member who will be willing to lend an ear and a helping hand for this sensitive situation.

Whatever method you choose to determine how this new family member will be involved in yours and your child’s life you must remember to keep the communication open in the household. Your child has a voice and needs to feel safe and secure expressing their opinions and concerns in a productive way. As the parents you must create an open communication environment which means leading by example. A step parent and a parent should communicate in the same way they expect the child involved to communicate or else the child will feed off of how the parents react to situations and this can create an eruptive situation which could cause the blended family to fail in the long haul.

 Communication Is Key To All