Rebuilding a Bond with a Family Member

I am an avid supporter of rebuilding bonds with family members. I am the daughter of a woman who gave birth to me as a teenager. At the age of 15 my mother was thrown into growing up fast so she could raise me, then four years later she gave birth to my sister. I cannot even begin to imagine how that felt, to become a mother to a child when you are a child yourself. That thought is honestly what kept me from becoming a teen mother as well, but that’s not the topic of today’s blog post.

My mother and I haven’t ever been super close, I know she cares about me and loves me. I know that she is and forever will be my only mother. I love her and care about her deeply. Those facts are not something that is negotiable, they are there and true. What also is true is that my mother and I have been disconnected for many years, I am not sure when it started or why but since becoming who I am today, I realize that I don’t care to know the why we never seemed to connect as a mother/daughter but prefer to focus more on working to move forward.

The type of mother/daughter bond I yearn for won’t exist between my mother and I. My mother and I are two different people with few similarities between us, the one thing we have to go on really is the love that we have for each other. I know that my Mom doesn’t always understand why I make the decisions I make and I am sure she has thought or thinks from time to time that I make some awful decisions. With that being said, I believe that I learn from the decisions I make and each day I grow stronger and better as an individual. I want nothing more than to have my Mom support me and love me for who I am, not wish for me to be or do something else

For a little over a year, I rented my Mom’s home. Basically I paid her mortgage and was able to live at the home I grew up in while she lived in another town with her husband. Living in that home brought back a lot of challenging memories for me, we have all been through a lot in that home and it was sometimes very difficult to live in that house during the time I rented it. There was something positive that came from renting that home for a little over a year, I felt like I was forced to speak with my Mom more and she was forced to speak to me more. You see, we both have busy lives and don’t seem to reach out to each other the way I feel a mother and daughter should.

I firmly believe that my Mom and I have grown closer in the past couple of years, I accept who she is and am happy that she is happy. My Mom seems to accept who I am and tries her best to show me that she’s happy that I am happy. My Mom has also worked better at talking to my children and engaging with them a bit more than I felt she ever did before. I notice a smile on my Mom’s face more often than not these days and I know I can text or call my Mom to talk about near anything. While I am still slightly guarded because I felt very hurt over the years and confused about the relationship I had with my Mom, I am trying my best to reach out to my Mom and be a part of her new married life.

I am that person who always tries to tell people, life is too short to not speak to a parent or loved one. I could never go years without speaking to my Mom, even though our relationship is still being built on, and there are days I feel hurt that she didn’t call me to see how my week went, I know that my Mom loves me the best she can. For me, as a 32 year old adult, that is enough for me. Just knowing that my Mom does love me the best she knows how and she does try to reach out more often than in the past, means the world to me.

I can only hope that my Mom knows just how much I do love her, even if, on occasion, we have a hard time showing each other that love.

 

 Rebuilding a Bond with a Family Member

More than Just Personality Matters When Dating #dating #singleparents #onlinedating

Years and years ago when I met the person I ended up marrying, I was in a different mindset. I was a different person in general. So was he. Now, today, as I have sat back and engaged in conversations as well as meeting up for coffee or what not, I have realized that dating is not what it used to be to me. No longer do I feel that need of “oh my gosh I NEED A MAN”, nor can I just sit back and be comfortable with a man who can hold a fantastic conversation with me. For me, there needs to be a whole packaged deal – personality, communication, ability to be a family person and physical attraction. All of those things are very important to me and I flat out refuse to ever go without any of them, maybe you can go without some, but those are my special traits that are important, among a few others.

If you are a single parent looking to get out into the dating world there is so many things to think about before you meet a random online dating person. These days, with the Internet and online dating sites, the person you are speaking to could be anyone. They could be completely opposite from what they have portrayed to be online, both on their profile and in conversations with you. Do not give out your phone number too soon. Do not give out your email too soon. Do not do anything you are not feeling 100% comfortable with. Getting a background check completed on a potential online dating interest may be best too, in all honesty, but may not be feasible for all.

If you are a single parent looking to date and find that “right for you person” then you not only have your best interest at heart, but you have your children(s) interest at heart too. There may be times during your dating days when you meet the most amazing person but they just do not mesh well with your family life, meaning with the kid(s) and you. If that person you are highly interested in does not fit well with the kids then, no matter how hard this decision will be, you will have to double think whether the person you are highly interested in is a great fit for your life as a whole. I am not saying let the kid(s) rule your life, but this is reality and if your life revolves a lot around being a parent, but that person is not on par with the parent side of life or does not parent remotely close to the way you do, then it will eventually be a failed attempt at having a relationship.

Like my best friend always told me, never waste your time or their time. To me, I never understood when she would say she didn’t want to waste the time of her own self or another person for various  reasons when it came to her dating ventures. I also remember laughing, thinking “oh my gosh, this girl is so funny and crazy”. I seriously thought that my best friend was wasting her time with dating because, after all, she wasn’t doing what I had done in the past {with failed relationships} – changing who she is, how she lives or clinging to the wrong man just to be with someone, she was doing it the right way. Now that I have found myself completely comfortable with being single, I totally 100% get where she was coming from and have to laugh at myself for thinking she was a bit crazy. Shhh don’t tell her.

Dating is serious business, it’s like having another job, so if you are not ready to take dating seriously then that’s fine, but if you are ready to take dating seriously please remember to hold your ground, compromise when compromising is okay and pick that “right for you” person, do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. The choice of person you make is  going to be a part of your life, hopefully forever, so make that decision with a knowledge of who you are, what you need and if they meet all of the criteria you have set for your “needs” in another person.  Sure that may mean many years of random dates with the wrong person and being single for many years, but if you hold tight and be patient, one day that “right for you” person will walk into your life and make you realize why you held out for so long.

Good luck with your ventures in online dating, I will keep sharing thoughts, tips and advice based on my dating ventures from time to time with you all and eventually share that “meeting my true love” story when the time comes. Hang on for this ride, it’s going to be an adventure!

 More than Just Personality Matters When Dating #dating #singleparents #onlinedating

The Sad Reality of Happiness

It almost sounds like an awful title, how can happiness be sad? Seriously?! Alas, it can be people. Your true deep happiness within your own self can mean sadness in other ways. Such as the idea of being divorced, two parents who were great friends but just couldn’t get the relationship to work, see each other extremely happy as an individual after the divorce but are sad because their children have to grow up in that “two homes” environment that they had so worked to avoid.

That is the sad reality of this world, so many people made the decision to marry and so many get into a divorced situation without working their butts off at trying to keep the marriage working. While my ex and I worked to keep our marriage going, I am realistic and know that some do not. The end result for a divorce situation is that their children are going to somehow benefit from the divorce.

You see, the two parents need to be at their happy place in life and within their own self in order to share that true inner (and outer) happiness with their children. This sometimes means raising your children apart. I have seen my children blossom having their mom and dad divorce, it works for them and it works for us, but that does not mean there are days where I do miss having that “family” type environment for my children.

A single parent environment does suck. Parenting wasn’t meant to be done alone, but I am doing it the best I know how because this is my true happy and I think I see that refection of my inner happiness in each of my children every passing day.  Sure I am going to be a work in progress for a long time, I still have things I struggle with and things that I need to work on to better myself, I think everyone has those things, but overall I am extremely happy with my own self and where I am at in life today, which means I smile more, laugh more and love more.

Children thrive on laughter, love and smiles – all they need is attention. This true inner happiness will be something that someone else, maybe a man? Will enjoy one day about me, but for now I am just taking it one day at a time and hoping that everyone who is in my life at this moment enjoys the person I am today, tomorrow and years ahead. I know I am and I will.

 The Sad Reality of Happiness

The Pros and Cons to Single Mom Status

There are many people who put out there that they are a single mom and it works for them. The thing with stating outright to the whole wide world that you are a single mom is that it can backfire. There are certainly some pros and cons to using the “single mom” status and I am laying them out for you:

Pros and Cons The Pros and Cons to Single Mom Status

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Cons

  • Some people look down upon the single mom status, citing you are a welfare person just because you are a single parent.
  • Some people think that you may be a scatter brain, too busy to take on work for their firm because after all you don’t have a partner to pick up the parenting slack if you took on more working hours.
  • The whole wide world now knows that you are single, opening the doors up to random people hitting on you; because after all you are single so surely you want or need to find a partner.
  • The whole wide world now knows there is a big possibility that you also live alone with kids; do I even need to mention the not so good outcomes from that scenario?

Pros

  • Some people will admire you for your strength and courage to raise your child or children alone.
  • Those who are single parents will be compassionate with you and understand just how strong a single parent can be when forced to raise the child(ren) alone.
  • Some firms know the power of a Mom and want to have a single mom on their team for they bring dedication, motivation and strength like no other; after all it’s one parent who has to financially support the kids.
  • It opens the doors to interact with other single parents online that you may not normally run into had you not shared the fact that you are a single Mom.

What are some pros and cons you can think of to sharing your single Mom status to the world?

 

 The Pros and Cons to Single Mom Status

Single Minded Attitude

Okay all you single Moms or once upon a time single Moms I think you know what I am talking about … a single minded attitude in my own words is …

One who has raised their child for a period of time, alone, whether other parent is involved or not & has had the luxury of doing whatever they want, whenever they want when the child is away with the co-parent. One who has set their own house rules and set forth their own personal values they wish to teach their child without another person having any say under your roof.

I have this bad attitude, it’s not bad in the way one would think the term bad attitude to mean but having a single minded attitude when in a relationship could cause some clashes of heads, otherwise known as head butting. Not the head butting my sons do to me on a daily basis, that hurts but is mean to be their funny way of bonding with mom, the head butting that can cause anger, hurt feelings and a feeling of lack of appreciation. I can not help the single minded attitude that comes into play once in a while, for I often feel like a single mom and let me tell you what I have always been happier as a single parent. It’s like I thrive to have that control and that freedom, but I don’t believe the single minded attitude I have is all about control & freedom, it is more so about the fact that I already feel single most days so why not be single.

Don’t get me wrong I am not saying because I have this attitude it would make it okay to walk out on my family in any way, I am simply opening up a discussion about this single minded attitude and getting a little bit more about me out there. I feel there are a lot of parents who struggle with this attitude who now find themselves in a relationship, but there are many who have lost that attitude along the path we call life. I wish I had lost that attitude but I do not feel 100% satisified, something is missing in my current lifestyle that makes me scream to be a single mom. I fear I am a person who needs constant focus, determination and with relationship issues that are not going to be fixed, I find myself saying screw it and wanting to just do what I need to do to be happy. I know that when I am happy my children are happy, it is so true that saying “Happy parents make Happy Children” I have seen it 1st hand many times.

Having a single minded attitude can certainly get you into heated conversations with your loved ones, whether it be a partner, spouse or family member. I know first hand this attitude may make you feel wonderful but can make others feel horrible or cringe.

So do you have that single minded attitude and how did you get rid of it? OR do you still have it and struggle on how to make that attitude work in a relationship?

 Single Minded Attitude

Do Siblings Grow Closer as They Get Older?

I have often wondered about siblings and if they grow closer the older they get? My sister and I never really got along, although I let her drive my cars I had, took her almost every where I went when I had my license and we spent a lot of time together one on one. We were all we had back then, we helped raise each other. Our parents divorced sometime around 1991 or so which put us at age 10 and about 6 probably. I don’t exactly recall the year as my parents went back and forth from what I remember.

We were essentially raised by a single Mom and saw our Dad every other weekend. I remember going to our Dad’s was like a special treat because he was like a kid himself. I recall sitting up on an old closet space, there was like this platform up there, eating bugles and throwing them down at our Dad and his friend, giggling the whole time. My sister and I had a connection, we were siblings, but we were not always that close.

As my sister grew older, she seemed to grow angry or distant, not sure which. Eventually our close sisterhood turned to spats and yes she even tried to beat me with my vacuum one time, oh and an empty soda bottle over a phone. We had quite the experiences together growing up and now that we are older, I am almost 29 and she is 25, we seem to have a respect for each other like never before. We don’t live our lives the same, I am a polite Mommy type most of the time and she is loud and very outspoken not afraid to tell you off if she feels you deserve it type of person, yet we both seem to have a love for each other that is incomparable to our childhood years.

Don’t tell her I said that! She will deny, deny, deny! Of course I realize that even if my sister doesn’t tell me she loves me that she does. We are blood and blood sticks together through it all. My Dad had it right one day;

My sister and I were talking about how my car didn’t like going to pick her up at The Mall of NH in Manchester. My sister pipes up and says “well you didn’t have to come get me”. My Dad interrupted and said “hell yeah she did. We are blood, that’s what we do. WE are there for each other no matter what, even if we don’t like it.” It is so true, in my opinion, whether you are blood related or consider yourself family with another person, you will be there for them when they need you regardless of whether it ticks you off or not. I will forever be there for my sister and I know she will be here for me too.

So I have to ask you …. are you and your sibling or siblings closer now that you are adults? Or were you closer as children?

 Do Siblings Grow Closer as They Get Older?