People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

 People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why  make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

 How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

To The Man Who Stole My Heart

Late on Christmas evening last year, 2013, my boyfriend of about one year knelt down on his knee and asked me to do him the monumental favor of becoming his wife, and asked for me to spend the rest of my life by his side as his wife. We recently purchased a home in the beginning of July 2013, we blended his two children with my three, we have gone through a lot more than most who are just starting out go through. We have already experienced marriage, children and divorce. We have already experienced holding a job to financially support our families who later became what some call a “broken home”. With all the baggage we carried into our relationship it still amazes me to this day how we can lay down to bed and wake up the same way every single day … in love with each other. To that man, I write this open letter, because I’m feeling a little sappy today.

Found my True Love To The Man Who Stole My Heart

To the man who stole my heart,

I’m not an easy person to live with, and I know that. I have spent far more years being a single parent than being a parent with another adult in a household. I have spent far too many years not being able to place responsibilities on other people’s shoulders, because it was me who ultimately had to ensure my household was financially secure. I spent far too many years being this independent woman, that it damaged me in some ways. While I may sometimes call myself damaged, you know that I truly, deeply love myself and that the term damaged simply means that I am guarded in some areas of financial security and parenting ways and a wee bit stubborn by nature due to my past experiences.

With that being said, you have opened my eyes and my heart to a whole new world, a life in which I can let go of some things. A life in which I can place some of the responsibilities I have held onto for so long, into your hands. You have opened my eyes and my heart to what a real relationship is, as it pertains to raising children and becoming a blended family. I thank you for giving me your patience each and every waking day. I thank you for loving me as I am and not trying to change me into a person you think I need to be. I thank you for understanding why sometimes I resort back to that guarded, I-have-to-handle-this-in-order-for-it-to-get-done-right meantality and just going with it.

I thank you for knowing and trusting that when I am hormonal, it will pass. I thank you for understanding that I am still a work in progress each day, that I will never be perfect, but in loving you, I have opened my heart in ways I haven’t been able to in many years. I thank you for snuggling up to me each night when we crawl into bed and expecting nothing more than to curl up and fall asleep together. I thank you for being that shoulder I need when raising my kids gets a little too much for me. I thank you for helping me see some things in a different light.

I thank you for being my partner, stepping up when need be, cleaning my car off for me, doing the dishes without complaint if I had a long day and didn’t get them done. I thank you for spending the hours while I am getting my kids tucked in, folding laundry instead of taking that time to relax after your long day at work.

Quite simply; I thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you back. I thank you for being mature, a real man in my eyes. I thank you for asking me to be that one special woman who gets to wake up and go to bed with you every night for the rest of your life.

I love you, more and more each passing day.

xoxo,

The woman who will marry you in 2015

 

 To The Man Who Stole My Heart

This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

I always tell my fiance that I don’t wish for him to change, I absolutely love him for who he is. I just see things within him, things he is capable of that clearly have not been seen by him as of yet. In the past year I have watched my fiance change in such a great way. He is more confident, he doesn’t stand for bull crap anymore and he is much happier than he was the first day I met him.

photo 21 This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

 

 This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

Planning a Spring/Summer 2015 Wedding

It’s official, I am engaged and with that comes the planning a wedding stage. Right now, all I long for is to celebrate my engagement. We want to have time to simply be happy and enjoy this wonderful time in our life, but other life responsibilities are keeping us rather busy. Originally we wanted to have a Spring/Summer 2014 Wedding but since we really want to ensure our special day is a reflection of things we didn’t have our first time around as well as a way to showcase who we are as individuals and a couple; the time is needed to ensure we have time to free plan. We don’t want to get stuck into this time crunch, after all, if we love each other we can wait.

IMG 2549 1024x1024 Planning a Spring/Summer 2015 Wedding

Both of us have been married once then divorced once, this time around we have all of the time in the world. We aren’t having any children together biologically, we have my three and his two that will join as one blended family in 2015 and we want it to be a special day!

For starters, we have no clue what the “wedding party” at a normal wedding entails; sure we know flower girl, best man, maid of honor and bridesmaids, etc but is that all? I guess we have to do some research. Hoping for time this weekend to get my tax prep done and then sit together viewing various wedding planning ideas so we can get a feel for the style of wedding we long for.

Of course we have a small budget, at the moment there is no “number” to it other than cheap as cheap can be while still keeping it special. I’m super excited but still think it’s sinking in, like I said, we have so many other external things going on to deal with that the engagement has been really something that we are happy about but haven’t had a chance to really breath and take in the reality of it!

Cheers to a wonderful 2014 with planning of  the joining of our families in 2015 as two people who deeply love each other unite under wedlock.

 Planning a Spring/Summer 2015 Wedding