Making Sure Insecurities Don’t Play out in a Relationship

No one is perfect. Everyone carries some form of baggage from one relationship into another. It’s a matter of fact. Whether that baggage is harmful or productive; that’s another story. I think that we spend a lot of years as youngsters being prepared to know that we must commit to someone. A relationship is necessary so they seem to push, but is it really necessary before you are ready?

While I have a boat load of mishaps in relationships, including one divorce, I learned something from all of the situations I have been in my life; that I am to be happy because as long as I am happy then my children are happy. I spent a lot of years thinking happiness was something I could gain from an external source but that isn’t the case. I spent time being that insecure girlfriend and even now at times, usually that week before my menstrual cycle arrives, I get a little insecure. Hormones are no fun to play with.

I am a firm advocate for listening to your gut instincts, but it’s not always easy to determine if your gut instincts are being driven by insecurities or a rational feeling. If you are a secure individual and have a decent self esteem then usually your gut instinct is correct. I had a scenario way back in the day where my gut was telling me something wasn’t right yet I didn’t listen because “I had to have proof”. I couldn’t walk away from the relationship with just a simple gut feeling.

That scenario taught me to always listen to my gut. I have spent many years since that moment ensuring that I understand how I work and who I am to the fullest. Being that in tune with yourself allows you to think clearly and acknowledge what may be insecurity driven feelings or justified feelings. I personally would advise people to spend at least a year single, getting to know who they are before committing to another human being but let’s face it, few people do that these days.


If you don’t spend time, even during your relationship, getting to a place where you are secure and self assured then you are carrying excess baggage that will ultimately ruin your relationship. If you do spend time getting to know who you are and what makes you tick, then eventually you will find that “one for you” that understands when you are hormonal vs thinking logically. Someone who gets you completely and loves you completely for who you are. That will happen, but only once you are secure with your own self.

People who don’t get their securities in check and their self esteem to a healthy level, will probably keep repeating the same relationship mistakes. That is not something I would advise you to do, check out Charles Orlando, he has a lot of great tips for both woman and men to move forward and demand a better relationship; one full of love, compassion and understanding.

Online Dating Can Work, If you are Patient & Picky

I never really felt that online dating would work for more than anything but a fling, a fun fling and part time relationship maybe but all that aside, I never believed one could find true love on such a site. My experiences with online dating sites were pretty much all of that; finding people who wanted flings, friends with benefits, a commitment to them but not to me or even worse yet, people who swore we were meant to be together but really were not my type. It took a lot of trial and errors on my part before I finally met a man I never thought I would have met.

I had a profile on a variety of free dating sites, I even had  a profile on Match.com for free but soon realized that their free version doesn’t allow you to properly communicate with others in a way to get to know them. I decided that I would suck it up and pay for a one month subscription to Match.com and if no one interesting was found after that month I would simply cancel, but if I found anyone worthy of my time, I would pay more to continue communicating with them. It didn’t take more than a month, granted I was on their free profile version for a long time before upgrading to the paid version. I found a few select men who seemed interesting to me; the height was good, their likes were somewhat similar but every man had this like listed that wasn’t something I could ever see myself being “crazy” about. For instance, one man loved snowmobiling, I hate Winter. That wouldn’t ever work long term. Not for me anyways because I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed every season and near every activity together. I don’t mind having guy time and girl time, but I didn’t want to be with someone who’s main passion was something I could never enjoy with them.

Found my True LoveThen it happened, a picture of a man, a cute man with a guitar. Something about him just made me want to learn more. Behind his eyes, his smile and of course holding a guitar just makes me swoon. I love guitar players, just something about having a musical talent is attractive to me, it could have been drums but in all honesty I associate drums with more of a rocker, crazy dude that wants to party, I don’t know why. Don’t judge me, that’s just my opinion of seeing a person who plays drums … I think of Animal from The Muppets. Every. Single. Time.

I documented the complete story of this man I met up with eventually and I cannot wait to share our story but for now I am reaching out to those who may be single, thinking that there is just no one out there for them. For me, all it took was saying “I am going to pay for this one month & if no one peaks my interest, I will cancel membership and be fine just being alone until the right person hops into my life”. Once I had that attitude, that is when the right-for-me person came into my life. We met for coffee and never stopped talking and seeing each other. It just made complete sense. When we hug, it’s as if I feel complete, a “sigh” almost comes about me and it’s so relaxing .. with just a hug!

It took me one failed marriage, although I can’t say “failed” per say as we have two amazing boys and my ex husband is close to my best friend as far as I am concerned, but we are divorced and have been since May 2009 or something like that. It took many failed relationships, and me feeling so low as if I was meant to just be a single Mom for me to find my man. It took me being fine with being alone, knowing that my children would be happiest if I am happiest. I no longer sulked about not having a man, I took time off from sex to ensure when I found that man I wouldn’t get lust confused for love. I did all of the steps to ensure I was 100% confident that when I did find a man, it would be for all the right reasons.

I firmly believe that if you can get into an honest, felt through the heart mindset that you are okay alone and that you do not need a partner in life then you will have that right-for-you person fall into your lap. My boyfriend and I think this very much so and I recently heard him advising his younger brother this same thought, why? Because my boyfriend and I fell into each others lives when we both were in that place; we both had come to the realization that being alone wasn’t all that bad and had accepted that we may be single forever. Some magic happened, be it God, be it coincidence, I don’t know, but we met and it just works. We balance each other so well.

I want that feeling for everyone out there, it’s the best feeling in the whole wide world. I know you can find it, just stop searching for it. Let true love “just happen” because that is how it’s suppose to be, forcing something for the wrong reasons with the wrong person will only cause more heartbreak and frustrations.

 

Unconditional Love for Kids, Unconditional Love for Spouse.. Right?

In my opinion, a parent has unconditional love for their children because, well, they are born to them and we are somewhat of the animal species so our instincts shows u to protect, nurture and love them no matter what. With relationships, why would one not feel the same with the person they marry? I do. I feel that if I took the time to marry someone then I better think long and hard before getting a divorce.  After a conversation the other night, I finally found another person who feels the exact same about marriage; that you hang onto that marriage, two people that are married should work hard to try to fix whatever may be broken within their marriage, not just walk out.

While this is a great theory, truth will have that your children will always be unconditionally loved but to place that exact same love into a husband or wife seems difficult for many. It seems human nature tells us to note other peoples flaws and experience tells our heart to back off when that right for you person is part of your life. We are tricky humans, but I honestly believe that you have to unconditionally love your children. I think with your husband or wife that there is some level of conditional love, but overall it should be held just as high as the love for your children.

Marriage is a sacred vow between two people and that is not something I will ever, ever go into lightly, if I ever marry again. For now, my children are my world and I can see how one could unconditionally love their children but maybe not have that same level of love for their spouse. It makes sense to me, but it shouldn’t be that way!

I Couldn’t Have Asked for a Better Partner

PicsArt_1364070605242I call the boyfriend, my partner, and when I refer to him as my boyfriend he asks “hey when did I downgrade from partner to boyfriend?” I giggle because honestly it was just a word and I didn’t think too much of it until he made this point. A partner is a word that you hold as a higher standard, I can only assume and a boyfriend or girlfriend is not as strong of a word. Other words can be used are “my love” “my life” “my world” but partner makes it sound as if you and that special person are a team and that truly is what we are.

I am shocked at times about how well we work together. Don’t get me wrong with our high stress count these days I have already let him know he may hate me but just hang onto why he likes me at this point. There is a lot on my shoulders, as are with his, but we are getting through it and coming out shining. After all, that is the only way I roll. ;-)

To back track a bit, the other day my lovely man came into a house with me attempting to keep my six year old in a time out, my daughter telling me “why can’t you make that kid shut up, I have a headache” and my youngest running all around being his normal hyper self. Most men would have walked back out that door, I honestly am not a man and would have run for the hills. He never runs. Not my partner, he stands by me and helps in any way he can. Granted, at this point, it’s me dealing with my children especially in a time out situation or what not, but he does help by not having any issues with doing the dishes for me when he only has about half hour or so to get ready for his next appointment after working all day.

My partner in life, he is an amazing man and I am not only happy to have him but I feel truly blessed to have met him on Match.com because I honestly never thought online dating sites would get me further than they had in the past. Who would have known that nearly six months ago when I walked away from the idea of dating sites that I would find “him” before I cancelled my membership.

Sometimes We Hold Others at Higher Expectations

I am guilty of holding my own self up to this high expectation, I have always felt I am strong and can make it through anything – alone or not alone. That is who I am. As a close loved one told me earlier today, “Everyone can only be so strong. You’re stronger than most.”  The thing about me is that because I hold myself to such high standards, I tend to hold others to those standards and that really is not fair.

Everyone has a busy life. Everyone has their own inside demons to work out. Everyone has their own things that they have going on that maybe they are not as outspoken about like I am. That is one thing a lot of my current friends know of me and say often; “I have frustrations too but you are just more outspoken about them and passionate about getting them out verbally while I sort of hold onto it internally until I am ready to say something that makes sense”. That I am guilty of, when something is bothering me I ramble it out in writing or words just so that I can be free of it. Doing that means it doesn’t always come out correctly.

Sad thing for me right now is that there has been someone lost, while it may have been expected, I really needed a couple people who I hold very close to my heart there for me. Lately, as in the past few months, those who I held so close to me, they were my rock, my love, the only people I knew I could go to for anything, have disappeared. Or so I feel as if they have disappeared. I start to wonder what I did wrong, why don’t they talk to me anymore.

Then I realized, just today, that it doesn’t matter that they are not here for me in the way they used to be. That they do not seem to care to have my children and me in their life in a way I have tried to keep them. Sometimes, whether you are talking about family or friends, you just have to let go because people change, lives change and sometimes people just suck.

While I am not saying those I miss having around me “suck”, in all reality they are amazing people who really can sometimes get me to think in a different light, I am just sad that in their actions (or lack there of) that they seem to not want to be here for me when I really needed them. I would be there for them in a heart beat if I knew they needed someone, guess sometimes, it takes that down and out moment to realize just who is that important in your life. I have to remember that I can only be so strong just like others.

I have to remember that while I can love a lot of family and friends in my world, it does not mean we will always talk or always be there when the other needs us, but after going through what I went through last night into today, my eyes were opened as to who really is genuinely caring and not about me. It hurts. I’m sad about it, but at the same time, I shall move on and still continue to love those who were a part of my life and are not there anymore. I will not hold bitterness, rage and anger because that will only consume me to become who I used to be.

Getting this off the chest helped. Collecting my thoughts and writing down my rambles has really helped me to try to put others back down to normal expectations and realize that while others may not talk to me in that moment, they do love me and would be there in a heart beat should that situation call for it.

It doesn’t really help that this Winter has played a huge toll on my mood and well being. It doesn’t help that I am having my own health problems that no one knows about except those who are actually 100% part of my world. It doesn’t help that I am just ready for sunshine… but thankfully writing helps, seeing my kids smiley faces helps and having the love I have within my direct household helps. I am thankful for what I do have and have survived through worse.

How Do You Find Local Friends?

Obviously I write a lot, it’s my therapy. Once I have written about something going on or bothering me, I am able to fully move on from it. I have zero issues any longer and it is as if a boulder has been lifted from my shoulders. The issue is that there are those who read these blogs I write on and sometimes they get annoyed with me. The thing is, that if you know me in person, then you know that during “that time of the month” everything bothers me, I get dramatic and life seems so freaking difficult for me. I am aware that I am like that once a month during my nonfriend visitation, the lovely menstrual cycle. I am human after all.

That is what has been going on with me, my menstrual cycle combined with my bipolar son having mood swings, it’s just a recipe for dramatic-ness. I also do not have many in real life, local friendships. My support system is through my sites, where I write and people from all over the world read, then comment or private message me in support or with tips/suggestions/advice that I may not have thought about due to being so emotionally close to a situation. I appreciate that support and that is why so much of my life is set to be up live on site on my blogs. To get support. To get things out of my head. And to find others who can relate to some or all of what I am going through.

No matter how much online support I have, I still need that in real life support system. That friend who when I am at my worse can come over to me, hug me and let my tears fall so I can move on happily. I no longer have that. It’s been many, many years since I have had a local best friend, that one girlfriend who is there no matter what and I am there for her no matter what. My long distance friendships are falling apart, because I just need more than a virtual support system and am trying to find ways to gain local friendships.

Sure I could go to the local pub, but I do not drink and drive, also I have major anxiety with situations like that. I am not one to go walk into a pub alone and mingle, that would be a very rare occurrence for me, it’s not who I have been nor who I am.  I recently signed up for the Meetups website, but most of the local groups are over an hour away. I can not drive that far most times, I have work to do, I have a car that is falling apart. I have to stay more local. So if I have to stay within the 30 minute drive radius of my home town, how do I meet more people? How do I form friendships?

You see, it seems as hard as high school years may have been, there was always that chance to mingle and meet a new friend. As an adult you have to work harder to find those friendships, because everyone has their own adult life to handle, families and work too. I am reaching out to you all to find out what you think I can do to try to find more in real life friendships? I am seeking mostly girlfriends, as I have my fair share of males I have had as friends but it’s not the same as a girls night out or girls night in. I really am not sure where to start, I simply know that not having a social life in person with real adults is something that is missing from my world. When someone is missing something in their world, it can take a toll on them and make life difficult at times.