More Thoughts From Brandy Ellen about Human Kind

I believe we, as human beings, need to step back and think before we speak {or post online}. That’s not to say I am not guilty of speaking, or typing, before thinking. It happens. We are all human.

What bothers me is when I see someone consistently getting up on this high horse of entitlement. People who choose to do certain things or live certain ways and want to diss others who may not be able to live that way or have any choice but to do what they do. Think about others before you speak, of course people are going to have hurt feelings. I am not talking about “all is fair in life mentality”, but more discussing those who look down upon human mistakes or inability for certain people to do certain things.

I’ve been that Mom. The single Mom who had to eat bread and butter, ramen noodles or mac n cheese or pasta and sauce on a regular. Yes, my child had to eat that crap too. On a regular. It wasn’t fun for me and I would have days where I felt like I was failing my child. If you have never been that Mom, then shut your mouth about what other parents should or should not do. Who are you to “know” them and how they live!

I’ve been that Mom who makes decisions that are best under circumstances I was living in. I always make what I feel is the best decision for myself but mostly for my children’s future. My children are always on my mind when I think of what to do next in life. They come first. Always.

I dislike watching people consistently point fingers and judgement when they have not walked in other people’s shoes. The only life these people know is the one they have, the experiences in which they have had in their life and who they are today. No two people have walked the same exact path. So think please before you assume you know all and think please before you judge a book by it’s damn cover.

I have been poor all of my damn life, I have used every last penny I have to make sure there is a roof over my children’s heads, food of some sort on their table, a ride to school for them to have an education. I make sure to put every last penny I have towards my children’s needs first. Always have. Always will.

With that being said, I don’t have anyone to pick up my pieces should things not go as I had planned nor hoped. I don’t have a family member I can move in with if the situation calls for it. I don’t have a relative with money to lend when times get tough. I have me. I have my children. That’s all. Sure, I do have a wonderful support system of both friends and family, but that doesn’t mean they can help me out of things I get into. They can be there emotionally and for advice, but beyond that – I am living an adult life that means I am unable to go back into my parents home or not work in some shape or form to support my children.

There are many parents who have certain luxuries I don’t have. Who cares. They are happy with their life and that’s all that matters. We need to start embracing our differences and stop pointing fingers in the name of trying to push someone else down to make us feel better. Give me a break, you should be uplifting yourself through uplifting of others – that my friends is the ultimate way to live.

This is just my opinion, you may disagree and I respect you for having that freedom to disagree.

Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

Are Some People Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

To The Man Who Stole My Heart

Late on Christmas evening last year, 2013, my boyfriend of about one year knelt down on his knee and asked me to do him the monumental favor of becoming his wife, and asked for me to spend the rest of my life by his side as his wife. We recently purchased a home in the beginning of July 2013, we blended his two children with my three, we have gone through a lot more than most who are just starting out go through. We have already experienced marriage, children and divorce. We have already experienced holding a job to financially support our families who later became what some call a “broken home”. With all the baggage we carried into our relationship it still amazes me to this day how we can lay down to bed and wake up the same way every single day … in love with each other. To that man, I write this open letter, because I’m feeling a little sappy today.

Found my True Love

To the man who stole my heart,

I’m not an easy person to live with, and I know that. I have spent far more years being a single parent than being a parent with another adult in a household. I have spent far too many years not being able to place responsibilities on other people’s shoulders, because it was me who ultimately had to ensure my household was financially secure. I spent far too many years being this independent woman, that it damaged me in some ways. While I may sometimes call myself damaged, you know that I truly, deeply love myself and that the term damaged simply means that I am guarded in some areas of financial security and parenting ways and a wee bit stubborn by nature due to my past experiences.

With that being said, you have opened my eyes and my heart to a whole new world, a life in which I can let go of some things. A life in which I can place some of the responsibilities I have held onto for so long, into your hands. You have opened my eyes and my heart to what a real relationship is, as it pertains to raising children and becoming a blended family. I thank you for giving me your patience each and every waking day. I thank you for loving me as I am and not trying to change me into a person you think I need to be. I thank you for understanding why sometimes I resort back to that guarded, I-have-to-handle-this-in-order-for-it-to-get-done-right meantality and just going with it.

I thank you for knowing and trusting that when I am hormonal, it will pass. I thank you for understanding that I am still a work in progress each day, that I will never be perfect, but in loving you, I have opened my heart in ways I haven’t been able to in many years. I thank you for snuggling up to me each night when we crawl into bed and expecting nothing more than to curl up and fall asleep together. I thank you for being that shoulder I need when raising my kids gets a little too much for me. I thank you for helping me see some things in a different light.

I thank you for being my partner, stepping up when need be, cleaning my car off for me, doing the dishes without complaint if I had a long day and didn’t get them done. I thank you for spending the hours while I am getting my kids tucked in, folding laundry instead of taking that time to relax after your long day at work.

Quite simply; I thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you back. I thank you for being mature, a real man in my eyes. I thank you for asking me to be that one special woman who gets to wake up and go to bed with you every night for the rest of your life.

I love you, more and more each passing day.

xoxo,

The woman who will marry you in 2015

 

The Bug Has Hit Our House

As I sit here typing this I have sick children and a temperature rising in my own self. I am online writing because, well, I have to get some work done even if home sick. That’s one blessing about being a work at home mom, I can work virtually anywhere and in any shape, since I currently am nursing a temperature rise and not having any other symptoms I can still work a bit.

My daughter started getting sick on Thursday into Friday but then spent the weekend with her Dad without any sick issues, at least as far as she shared with me. The boys spent their weekend with Dad pretty sick. It seemed it was only going to be a 24-48 hour bug of some sort, but last night I found we all were getting a fever again. Sigh.

This bug doesn’t want to let us go but I will fight to get rid of it. I grabbed some Canada Dry Ginger Ale and Little Man brought orange juice home from his Dad’s. Together with extra sleep and some honey tea, we will get this bug fought and put away. This week was only a three day school week as it is so these kiddos need to get healthy and back to school for their education.

Hoping this passes soon because it doesn’t feel good watching your kids struggle with sickies. I would have sent them to school but I am not the kind of parent who sends their children to school sporting a fever, sadly that is what will keep spreading the bug through out the school. I would rather keep my kids home if they have any signs of a stomach bug, flu or any other sickness because it’s important to make sure other school kids are protected.

So today, I sit curled up in blanket still feeling cold chills and praying all passes quickly.

Rebuilding a Bond with a Family Member

I am an avid supporter of rebuilding bonds with family members. I am the daughter of a woman who gave birth to me as a teenager. At the age of 15 my mother was thrown into growing up fast so she could raise me, then four years later she gave birth to my sister. I cannot even begin to imagine how that felt, to become a mother to a child when you are a child yourself. That thought is honestly what kept me from becoming a teen mother as well, but that’s not the topic of today’s blog post.

My mother and I haven’t ever been super close, I know she cares about me and loves me. I know that she is and forever will be my only mother. I love her and care about her deeply. Those facts are not something that is negotiable, they are there and true. What also is true is that my mother and I have been disconnected for many years, I am not sure when it started or why but since becoming who I am today, I realize that I don’t care to know the why we never seemed to connect as a mother/daughter but prefer to focus more on working to move forward.

The type of mother/daughter bond I yearn for won’t exist between my mother and I. My mother and I are two different people with few similarities between us, the one thing we have to go on really is the love that we have for each other. I know that my Mom doesn’t always understand why I make the decisions I make and I am sure she has thought or thinks from time to time that I make some awful decisions. With that being said, I believe that I learn from the decisions I make and each day I grow stronger and better as an individual. I want nothing more than to have my Mom support me and love me for who I am, not wish for me to be or do something else

For a little over a year, I rented my Mom’s home. Basically I paid her mortgage and was able to live at the home I grew up in while she lived in another town with her husband. Living in that home brought back a lot of challenging memories for me, we have all been through a lot in that home and it was sometimes very difficult to live in that house during the time I rented it. There was something positive that came from renting that home for a little over a year, I felt like I was forced to speak with my Mom more and she was forced to speak to me more. You see, we both have busy lives and don’t seem to reach out to each other the way I feel a mother and daughter should.

I firmly believe that my Mom and I have grown closer in the past couple of years, I accept who she is and am happy that she is happy. My Mom seems to accept who I am and tries her best to show me that she’s happy that I am happy. My Mom has also worked better at talking to my children and engaging with them a bit more than I felt she ever did before. I notice a smile on my Mom’s face more often than not these days and I know I can text or call my Mom to talk about near anything. While I am still slightly guarded because I felt very hurt over the years and confused about the relationship I had with my Mom, I am trying my best to reach out to my Mom and be a part of her new married life.

I am that person who always tries to tell people, life is too short to not speak to a parent or loved one. I could never go years without speaking to my Mom, even though our relationship is still being built on, and there are days I feel hurt that she didn’t call me to see how my week went, I know that my Mom loves me the best she can. For me, as a 32 year old adult, that is enough for me. Just knowing that my Mom does love me the best she knows how and she does try to reach out more often than in the past, means the world to me.

I can only hope that my Mom knows just how much I do love her, even if, on occasion, we have a hard time showing each other that love.

 

Celebrating Stay at Home Moms with Dr. Laura Schlessinger #sahm #wahm

I happened upon a deal, actually a steal over at Dollar General one day and it was this book, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms (Large Print) By Dr. Laura Schlessinger, which happened to be a steal at only $1.50. I just had to grab it. I’m not great at spending money on myself but my boyfriend dropped it into our basket and said it’s only a couple bucks. Get it if you want it. So I had to get it.

I am so happy that my boyfriend tossed this book into our basket telling me to just get the darn book because it has been one of those books that I just cannot put down. Of course being a busy Mom of three who also works from home while the kids are either in school or sleeping, I don’t have hours upon hours to read but when I do get that moment I pull out this book. I had never heard of Dr. Laura before now but I can see she is my kind of gal! I agree with pretty much all of what Dr. Laura has to say.

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms (Large Print) By Dr. Laura SchlessingerI find myself reading along with the book and letters shared that people wrote to Dr. Laura during her radio show that capture just how hard yet rewarding it is to be a stay at home Mom. While I call myself a “work at home Mom”, I do believe the two go hand in hand. In all reality, just as I have always said before – being a Mom is a job in itself. Essentially all stay at home moms whether earning paper money or hugs and kisses for income; are indeed working!

This book reminded me of something that happened to me during my first months of being a Mom to my oldest child, you see society doesn’t look highly upon stay at home Mom’s. With all the push for Woman to be Equals and Woman to Make Money because it’s not “fair” for the man to be the financial bread winner while the wife slaves away at home keeping the house a home …. at least society likes to view it that way. Anyways, here is my experience of someone putting me down for being a Mommy … and it came from a man whom I looked up to, someone who encouraged me to use my creative writing skills in a more imaginative way, this was a man who I adored and it hurt me to have this situation happen;

Walking out of the grocery store, laughing and giggling with my baby girl in the front of the grocery cart, I happened upon my old writing teacher from my elementary years. He was an elderly man at this time but still looked much like he did when he taught me to use my creative writing skills in a useful way. I looked over to him and said hi with such a happy look on my face, you know that “first time Mom” beaming face of pride? Yeah. That look. When I introduced him to my baby girl he replies “Brandy, you had more brains than that” and as I fought off tears, I gently smiled, nodded my head and proceeded to my vehicle where I just cried and cried.

I was so sad that a man who I had looked up to, a man who had taught me to use my words better in my writing, a man who was simply awesome in my mind could say such a thing. I know he meant it in the best of intentions, I am sure, he is from a different era than I am and he, above anyone else, encouraged my smart side. I didn’t have a lot of that type of support back in those days and he meant the world to me. For a man to say such a thing as “you had more brains than that” about me becoming a Mommy at age 20 going on 21, made me so sad.

Finally, I was able to realize that the man meant no harm, but I am sure he lived in an era where woman had no rights and woman had to fight to get any ounce of acknowledgement for their “brains” because it was meant that woman would just be home makers. The thing is that, while reading In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms (Large Print) By Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I have only been enlightened more about my decision to be a work at home aka stay at home mom. To me, having my seven year old son have his Mom there to get him after school and work with him so much in teaching him skills to use his words instead of being aggressive during a mood switch with his mood disorder is worth every single little materialistic item I give up to be a work from home Mom.

Sure, I may not have it all in the form of things people can see, but inside of my heart, that week when my seven year old told me not once but twice that I was “the best Mommy in the world” … well my friends that feeling alone couldn’t be replaced by an ounce of money dropped in my bank account. I wanted to be the one raising my children and while it isn’t always a smooth ride, there are down days where I miss working at the office, I wouldn’t trade this for anything. This was the best decision I have made in my life and the rewards? oh gosh … they are so full of heart felt emotions and love that no money could ever compensate for these years I get with my children.

So I am reaching out to everyone in society, when you want to look down upon someone who is “just” a stay at home Mom, remember that is 1) their right and choice to raise their children by¬† making other sacrifices to keep their family unit whole and 2) it’s a wondrous, selfless act to be a stay at home Mom. People could learn a whole heck of a lot from stay at home Moms, they really could!