People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

 People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why  make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

 How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Raising a Child Who is Very Simple

It’s funny I spend a lot of time talking, writing and thinking about my seven year old son. I sometimes get frustrated that he is unlike my other two kids, or any other average human being out there in this world. Then, while on the phone or talking out loud about my son, I realize things …

I’m raising a very simple child.

Now that my seven year old has been off of any medications for nearly two months, I have noticed things about him. I have noticed how my middle child’s brain works. I realized that my son isn’t as complex as some have said he is. My son is actually quite simple.

I’m raising a child who calls it how he sees it.

My son sees the world in black and white. NO grey areas apply to my son, he cannot comprehend them. The world is this one way and that’s it. My son is simple in that 1+1=2. Period. Point blank. End of discussion. If you tell my son he can’t do something, that he very clearly is capable of doing, he will reply simply, “yes I can. I just did it.” or “yes I can. Watch.”

I’m raising a child who thrives on routine and structure.

I see so many parents talk about how they want their children to be on a routine, that this upside down crazy schedule of waking up at odd hours and having different things each day makes for chaos. My son is simple; he likes his structure and routine, and he thrives on it. The same thing for breakfast every single morning. The same after school routine every single day. The same bedtime preparation, every single day. My son is an amazing child when you structure his day to be simple and the same.

I’m raising a child who loves you because you does.

There is no explaining the whys or how comes when it comes to my son Aj. It’s pretty simple, you hit him, he hits back. You do this, he does it back. While that isn’t always the greatest way to be, that’s how he sees life. You give back what you get. You get what you give back. To be Aj’s friend, it simply takes you being there for him. Aj is a very matter of fact child, again there is no grey area.

Life for my son is black & white. It’s simple.

So why do I struggle sometimes? Well because I was trying to raise a child who sees only black n white ways of the world to see the grey parts. Aj’s brain doesn’t work like that. You work with Aj, he doesn’t mold to work with you. While I realize this can be a challenge in preparing him for the real world, for now it works and if he does end up with an autism diagnosis, well that will  make how his brain works even more clear to me as a parent, thus giving me more tools and resources to work to raise a child who sees the world in black n white.

 Raising a Child Who is Very Simple

Having Less Tolerance for Environmental or Self Induced Situations

I was talking with one of my best friends the other day and she hit the nail on the head with how I’ve been feeling lately. Due to my son Aj having special needs, who will soon undergo autism evaluation but has always had special needs regardless of whatever future diagnosis he receives, I have found myself with zero tolerance for behaviors that are stemmed from environmental aspects.

Allow me to explain; raising a child that has special needs has opened my eyes to realize far too many adults place their children into unnecessary drama filled lies and in turn ruin their children. It’s an uphill battle every day for me, for the past seven years, to raise my son Aj who was first diagnosed ADHD, then later mood disorder with anxiety and now being evaluated for autism instead. I have had a long many of years working with my son to ensure he thrives at life, always has a positive home environment and the structure of his home is one he can thrive and grow in. I do not have any control on outside influences so I am sure to raise him in a way that allows him to blossom to the best of his abilities. I also raise my other two children the same.

ID 10016833 Having Less Tolerance for Environmental or Self Induced Situations

I have zero tolerance for children or even adults who know better. My son Aj doesn’t always know better in some areas of life. Aj struggles to understand social ques, that life doesn’t happen the same way every day and he struggles in ways that most of us take for granted. That means when my own children or other people’s children act amuck, I have zero tolerance for that behavior. I guess raising a child with special needs really opens your eyes to other families and people who create such drama upon their own self and their own children and it makes you sick to your stomach.

I have no time for the excess drama. I have no time for people who wish to live in a way that belittles their children, that brings their children down and confuses them thus creating a very negative childhood. I much prefer seeing adults who can lead their family by example, sucking up issues they have within their own self, or better yet adults getting help for their issues. Sadly, most adults won’t acknowledge their inner deep issues so therefore they “have none and it’s all you”. I beg to differ.

I am the strength for my children. I have always been and I will always be. That won’t ever change. I am who I am and I worked damn hard to get here today. I worked on my inner demons, I accepted things I couldn’t change and I sucked things up to be the parent and co-parent I needed to be and still need to be for my children. With that being said, it doesn’t mean my life is full of awesomeness and great days, happiness is not about always feeling happy. Happiness is a place you get to within your own self, a place of inner peace and with that comes the ability to work out any challenges.

I, however, also know when to back away from something that is out of my control. I also know when enough is enough and I realize this isn’t benefiting my children nor myself. One thing that my bestest of friends will remind me is this; no matter what happens in your life, no matter how much you may love certain people, if those people and their situations bring you down and change who you are, then it’s time to rethink and find a way to resolve and/or move on from the situation. I am not scared to do what needs to be done in order to continue living a fulfilled life of happiness. I will not allow myself nor my children to fall prey to those who wish to stem more drama in their lives. I don’t do drama, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

What I do do, is raise my children and keep myself moving forward. My children are very important to the future and so should yours be.  I have a zero tolerance policy for lack in parenting that has resulted in a display of ill behaved children later in life. I cannot say my children are perfect but I can say they learn from their mistakes, always, because I have raised them and parented them – not been their best friend. Being a parent is all about balancing the treatment of children as individuals, teaching them consequences will happen for their actions and that they are respected, trusted and loved regardless of whether they don’t think so in the moment of a parent having to discipline them. I have heard it all, but at the end of the day, my children no matter how upset from a decision I make, love and respect me and still to this day come to me when they need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to vent to.

“Image courtesy of jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Sometimes Blending a Family Isn’t a Piece of Cake

Sometimes two people get lucky. After divorcing the parent to their children they happen upon their perfect partner and his & hers kids match up well. The family is united without much issue. The ex spouse is amazingly supportive and works together to help keep the blended family an encouraged addition to the children’s lives.

Then… you have the other types of blended family scenarios, which sadly are far more common to every day life for divorced couples.

The Other Side to Blending a Family Sometimes Blending a Family Isnt a Piece of Cake

You meet. You fall in love. You realize it’s time to introduce the kids. You are nervous, you talk together about how you will work with any bumps along the road and you get your plan together. Then the kids meet. The kids love each other. Yours and theirs, they get along as if they had been around each other for years. It makes you and your partner stop blinking for fear this is a dream that will end upon that next blink. It’s bliss. Pure blended family bliss!

Then … it happens… the ex gets jealous or insecure that the other “new parent figure” will take their place and in turn passes their insecurities down to the kids by pushing them away from the other parent as well as the other parents partner and by default, the children from the new partner.

This is where blending a family becomes near impossible. I don’t often use the term impossible, and maybe blending a family when an ex pushes their own insecurities onto a child can work if the child realizes what is going on. Sadly, this is not the case at this moment in time. Teenagers. Teenagers not raised to have this family bond, the sense of family togetherness, the sense of what’s right versus what’s wrong. Teenagers living primarily in an environment that breeds drugs, alcoholics and parents not wishing to parent their children. Teenagers left to be able to do whatever they want without many boundaries set because the other parent feels that “they are teenagers and you compromise with them”.

Shakes my head.

What do you do when your own flesh and blood cannot see the self destructive path they are going down? What do you do to help them blend well with your happy, positive home environment that promotes boundaries, rules and a sense of family unity? What do you do when the ex has made it so completely impossible for you to do anything and if you did try, the few days a month you see these teens, you are not able to get them to get on a better path.

It’s not easy to parent kids these days, so many negative temptations out there at their finger tips. Parents not being parents. Children raising children. This day and age has lost the sense of family unity but a few people still promote such a sense of pride in their family. When teenagers have slipped to the other side of things and you have no way of getting them off of that path, what do you do? Do you continue to have them around those few days a month when you can see they are clearly completely miserable and imposing their negative attitude onto others in the blended family? Do you continue to dread seeing your children because you want to see them as they were just under a year ago? Up until eight months ago life was great. Blending the family unit worked, there were some bumps that came up but overall it was good. We had little, if any, complaints.

Now … we sit here. We watch.

Teenagers falling down a path that they cannot even seem to realize. Kids who need guidance, love and boundaries. Kids who need to realize the path they are going down isn’t going to lead to a successful hard working mentality as adults. A life that can lead down a path that has disastrous results. It’s sad really, that a person would do such a thing to their own children. It’s sad that the children do not see how they were turned against their new blended family unit instead of encouraged to be happy in both households, encouraged to have a relationship with both households. It’s just sad. It is also very wrong. Maybe one day, the hope is, that these children will mature enough to realize the wrong, hurtful things their other parent has done to them. That’s a big hope that is out of our control, we are doing the best we can and living life to the best of our abilities. One hard decision is that we cannot have that negativity be imposed upon our household that has a happy & positive tone as well as a family united mentality. We are doing all we can do. Just living each day to the fullest and keeping hope!

“Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family – Step Family and All #coparenting

Usually I am a really nice person but as of this past week or so my hormones have been raging and this means I have less tolerance for human beings without common sense. I have watched as a person who is suppose to be a Mother tear her kids apart for the past six months and then do a 180 and is Miss Awesome-Cool Mom. It’s mind blowing and the kids have paid for it, no one else pays for parents being this way other than the children. Mess your child up and you are one sick individual. Who would ever stoop to such a low. You know what? I think that some people are just that self absorbed that they don’t think about the future chaos it can cause in the mind of a child, especially an easily influenced one.

Parents who Peg their Children Against Other Parent Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family   Step Family and All #coparenting

Thank God my children have been raised to stand up to anyone, including me, when they feel something is not right. My three children have good morals, good character and a self esteem that assists them in standing firm for what they believe in, yes even if that means standing up to their parents. I never wanted my children to feel they don’t have a voice, I encouraged them to have a voice. Mind you, some days it’s not all that fun and I joke about why in the world I would have encouraged such things – but in reality it’s for the best that children have courage, self esteem and confidence to speak up for their own self. Especially when a parent is doing wrong.

Each day I watch my children chatting with each other, getting along, supporting each other then fighting and arguing. They are siblings, true siblings – they love each other one moment and the next it’s a free for all fight. With that being said, my chidlren wouldn’t ever let anyone else hurt them. My kiddos have been through a lot and my middle child continues to go through a lot with his mood disorder and anxiety, but they have always been raised with love. Love from their Mama and their Dad. Love from their family no matter what. I am blessed to know that my children will not be placed in a situation where another parent is going to try to brainwash them or turn them against me, and I would never turn them against their Dad’s either. It’s not okay. Ever. Period. To do such a thing!

I can’t understand why people do what they do. When I sit and think about it, I honestly just feel that some people are simply 1) selfish 2) never been held accountable for anything in their life and/or 3) lack self control and confidence to know that their children will always love their parents even if they develop a great bond with a step parent. There’s nothing wrong with having more family! The more the merrier, at least that’s how my kids and I think!

“Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.