Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

Are Some People Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

I Believe Every Mean Person Can Change Up Until a Certain Point

We start life off as innocent, sweet little children so ready and willing to accept everyone, to trust without fear and to simply take life for what it is. No questions. No worries. It’s all about loving life and loving people. Then something happens, our environment we grow up in and our friends and our outsiders at school, eventually that sweet, innocent child turns angry. The anger builds when not given an outlet to talk to or such as what I do, write. That is one thing my Mom always told me I should do, write a book. My Mom knew that whenever I was upset with her she would be able to expect a long letter citing my issues or what not, even apologizes, came in the form of a letter. Writing has simply been a lot easier for me than talking when it comes to confrontational situations. I have worked hard to change that, getting better at verbally confronting situations but writing is still my number one outlet.

With that being said, since I went from a very angry person inside to this happy, positive minded person today, I have this firm belief that any angry, mean person can change. Heck, I believe any person can change if they want to, whether for the better or the worse. My Dad did make a good point to me recently though, once people hit a certain age that is who they are. There is no changing them. I do believe that to be true as well. Let’s say by the time you are into your 30′s and you still are that angry, bitter and mean person well then I do not believe you will come out of that, I think that person will go to their grave angry, mean and bitter.

I do have hope. Hope keeps me going. As it should most people.

I have seen first hand what a smile, a hug and a kind gesture can do for a person. When you see a person down and out, be nice to them. When you are being waited on by a grumpy cashier, be extra nice to them with a genuine smile. Tell them to have a nice day. Make it something automatic that each time someone waits on you that you are genuinely nice, no matter their mood. You will see that their mood will lift during that process. I have seen it and it warms my heart.

I believe if you have a friend or family member that is having a hard time finding their happy that you can show them the way back to a happy place. Back to trusting people again. Some may need therapy in addition to your positive friendship while others may simply take to your kindness, bubbly and happy attitude. Even though many take to who I am today, others still do not take to it 100% and I can tell they need deeper help than what I can offer as a simple happy person to be near, look up to and be friends with.

Mean people can change. Mean kids can change. Remember to be kind, but to not allow disrespect either and in turn you will see that even the meanest of the  mean … can change for the better if they have someone to help open up their hearts and see the world close to what they saw when they were that sweet, young, innocent child.

Sweet Spring Air

She stepped outside on a cool crisp day, the humidity was low but still the stickiness from it was in the air. The cool breeze and sweet Spring air went into her nostrils as she breathed in, as she exhaled she felt relaxed. The day must begin whether she wants it to or not. Time does not stand still even when one needs it to stand still just for a few moments longer.

Life is full of trying times, there are moments when we feel as if there is no where to turn, no one to discuss what’s inside of our own mind, fear that we will be judged or worse yet shun for our thoughts of wishing for more or not wanting some of what we have. Human nature is funny, we try to teach our children to not judge and to be there for others. We teach our children to be kind, be honest and love one another.

She stands outside in the middle of the huge lawn wondering what she will do if she has to make a serious decision. She wonders where her strength comes from, for no matter how many times she has to make a difficult decision it is her strength that keeps her moving forward. The children know that she is mom and she will do everything in her power to ensure they are happy & healthy but what these children do not realize is that she sometimes questions if being honest and standing firm on her morals is really what works in this world?

All too often deceitful, lying people get away with things in life for they are good at manipulation and one must be extremely good at what they do if they never get caught.  She believes in Karma, she believes that the universe gives back to you what you put out there, but why do some people not seem to get what they put out there back? Does negative karma take more time? Will those close to her see that she is honest, loving and caring? Will being honest be enough? Only time will tell …. for now she just spends her mornings staring into the skies and breathing in that sweet Spring air.

My Idea of Relaxation on the Weekends

Watching the kids roast marshmallows for smores….

Enjoying the sunshine beaming down on me while my feet are up in a chair…

And watching the ducks swim around in the pond, love watching their landing in particular…

Having family time on the weekends is what warms my heart the most but relaxing outdoors? The best pass-time ever!

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might

All too often I find myself wishing for a magic solution; for kids to sleep through the night, for me to be able to move back to my old house, for things to finally align in a way that I feel makes sense. The problem is, wishing upon a star may be fun but it doesn’t solve the issues at hand. You can wish with all your might for things to be different but without the actions to back up the wishful thinking you will be stuck sitting in your situation for a while.

I love to joke about magical fairy dust you sprinkle on the kids before sleep and it helps them have sweet dreams to sleep all night long. My four year old actually thinks this special sleeping fairy dust is cute, heck he even cracks a smile when I tell him with a whisper that I have sprinkled some sweet dreams, special sleepy fairy dust on him so he can magically fall asleep easier! Those are the moments I cherish; smiles, laughter, joyful times.

No matter how hard I wish to be out of the situation I find myself in, it will take hard work, motivation and determination. I recently read a blog post about how mother’s seem to have this motivation and dedication not easily understood nor a skill many men have {no offense men} but really if you think about your mother didn’t she seem to have super powers? I mean a Mom can get things done like no other.

I am happy that I am a mother, it has given me the strength and the courage to change my life for the better. Of course others have had worse mistakes in their past than I have, but still, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be before I became a mother. I am now this person, a person who believes positive thinking and sometimes a little wishing can help every challenge life tosses at you.

So today … just today … if you could have ONE WISH what would that wish be?

Enhanced by Zemanta

Raising Boys

When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a mother some day, when the time was right. I never really had a vision as to how many children I wanted or preferred to have. I think I always wanted at least one girl and one boy but had no real preference, just healthy was all I really thought about.

Welcome today, I am now a work at home mother of three children. I have one girl and then two boys. Let me tell you what, if I had heard all the stories about boys I may have thought twice before having another child but my daughter was an amazing baby and young child that she made me want to have so many more.

Then it came, I found out I was preggers, with a boy. I swore that they didn’t know what they were talking about. Here I was single, pregnant, totally unplanned and having a boy! I have one sister and a lot of aunts, very few males in the family at the time other than some distant cousins that I rarely spent time with growing up. I knew girls, I am a girl, I could handle girl problems, questions, issues, etc. BOYS? I was clueless.

I love my sons but they have taught me a few things about the male species:

  • Boys have a fascination about every body party, mainly those that other people shouldn’t see.
  • Boys are obsessed with jumping on furniture, breaking things and then attempting to fix them.
  • Boys will keep you running in every direction all day long and sometimes all night long.
  • Boys will head butt each other and you without a tear hitting their eyes.

Boys are just boys … they are built to be tough. I swear I wish I was boy sometimes … they are invincible or so they think!

Enhanced by Zemanta