People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

 People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

I always tell my fiance that I don’t wish for him to change, I absolutely love him for who he is. I just see things within him, things he is capable of that clearly have not been seen by him as of yet. In the past year I have watched my fiance change in such a great way. He is more confident, he doesn’t stand for bull crap anymore and he is much happier than he was the first day I met him.

photo 21 This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

 

 This Sums up What I have Said to my Fiance For Awhile now

Rebuilding a Bond with a Family Member

I am an avid supporter of rebuilding bonds with family members. I am the daughter of a woman who gave birth to me as a teenager. At the age of 15 my mother was thrown into growing up fast so she could raise me, then four years later she gave birth to my sister. I cannot even begin to imagine how that felt, to become a mother to a child when you are a child yourself. That thought is honestly what kept me from becoming a teen mother as well, but that’s not the topic of today’s blog post.

My mother and I haven’t ever been super close, I know she cares about me and loves me. I know that she is and forever will be my only mother. I love her and care about her deeply. Those facts are not something that is negotiable, they are there and true. What also is true is that my mother and I have been disconnected for many years, I am not sure when it started or why but since becoming who I am today, I realize that I don’t care to know the why we never seemed to connect as a mother/daughter but prefer to focus more on working to move forward.

The type of mother/daughter bond I yearn for won’t exist between my mother and I. My mother and I are two different people with few similarities between us, the one thing we have to go on really is the love that we have for each other. I know that my Mom doesn’t always understand why I make the decisions I make and I am sure she has thought or thinks from time to time that I make some awful decisions. With that being said, I believe that I learn from the decisions I make and each day I grow stronger and better as an individual. I want nothing more than to have my Mom support me and love me for who I am, not wish for me to be or do something else

For a little over a year, I rented my Mom’s home. Basically I paid her mortgage and was able to live at the home I grew up in while she lived in another town with her husband. Living in that home brought back a lot of challenging memories for me, we have all been through a lot in that home and it was sometimes very difficult to live in that house during the time I rented it. There was something positive that came from renting that home for a little over a year, I felt like I was forced to speak with my Mom more and she was forced to speak to me more. You see, we both have busy lives and don’t seem to reach out to each other the way I feel a mother and daughter should.

I firmly believe that my Mom and I have grown closer in the past couple of years, I accept who she is and am happy that she is happy. My Mom seems to accept who I am and tries her best to show me that she’s happy that I am happy. My Mom has also worked better at talking to my children and engaging with them a bit more than I felt she ever did before. I notice a smile on my Mom’s face more often than not these days and I know I can text or call my Mom to talk about near anything. While I am still slightly guarded because I felt very hurt over the years and confused about the relationship I had with my Mom, I am trying my best to reach out to my Mom and be a part of her new married life.

I am that person who always tries to tell people, life is too short to not speak to a parent or loved one. I could never go years without speaking to my Mom, even though our relationship is still being built on, and there are days I feel hurt that she didn’t call me to see how my week went, I know that my Mom loves me the best she can. For me, as a 32 year old adult, that is enough for me. Just knowing that my Mom does love me the best she knows how and she does try to reach out more often than in the past, means the world to me.

I can only hope that my Mom knows just how much I do love her, even if, on occasion, we have a hard time showing each other that love.

 

 Rebuilding a Bond with a Family Member

Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family – Step Family and All #coparenting

Usually I am a really nice person but as of this past week or so my hormones have been raging and this means I have less tolerance for human beings without common sense. I have watched as a person who is suppose to be a Mother tear her kids apart for the past six months and then do a 180 and is Miss Awesome-Cool Mom. It’s mind blowing and the kids have paid for it, no one else pays for parents being this way other than the children. Mess your child up and you are one sick individual. Who would ever stoop to such a low. You know what? I think that some people are just that self absorbed that they don’t think about the future chaos it can cause in the mind of a child, especially an easily influenced one.

Parents who Peg their Children Against Other Parent Nothing Wrong with Loving your Family   Step Family and All #coparenting

Thank God my children have been raised to stand up to anyone, including me, when they feel something is not right. My three children have good morals, good character and a self esteem that assists them in standing firm for what they believe in, yes even if that means standing up to their parents. I never wanted my children to feel they don’t have a voice, I encouraged them to have a voice. Mind you, some days it’s not all that fun and I joke about why in the world I would have encouraged such things – but in reality it’s for the best that children have courage, self esteem and confidence to speak up for their own self. Especially when a parent is doing wrong.

Each day I watch my children chatting with each other, getting along, supporting each other then fighting and arguing. They are siblings, true siblings – they love each other one moment and the next it’s a free for all fight. With that being said, my chidlren wouldn’t ever let anyone else hurt them. My kiddos have been through a lot and my middle child continues to go through a lot with his mood disorder and anxiety, but they have always been raised with love. Love from their Mama and their Dad. Love from their family no matter what. I am blessed to know that my children will not be placed in a situation where another parent is going to try to brainwash them or turn them against me, and I would never turn them against their Dad’s either. It’s not okay. Ever. Period. To do such a thing!

I can’t understand why people do what they do. When I sit and think about it, I honestly just feel that some people are simply 1) selfish 2) never been held accountable for anything in their life and/or 3) lack self control and confidence to know that their children will always love their parents even if they develop a great bond with a step parent. There’s nothing wrong with having more family! The more the merrier, at least that’s how my kids and I think!

“Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

The Beauty of a Good Mother/Daughter Relationship

I don’t have to even explain how close my daughter and I are. My daughter is 11 and was born 10 days before I turned 21 years old. I knew from day one the type of relationship I wanted to have with my daughter …

Beauty of a mother and daughter relationship The Beauty of a Good Mother/Daughter Relationship

I could go on and on about our relationship and closeness but it really comes down to the fact that I AM A PARENT. My daughter can look to me as a true guidance in life, I am the shoulder to lean on, the ear to listen and the hug to fall into when having a bad day. I am the one who holds her accountable and teaches her to learn from mistakes.

MOther daughter necklaces The Beauty of a Good Mother/Daughter Relationship

You could almost simply say; I am her guiding light in this challenging world she is growing up in. In all reality, I don’t have to explain because the image above is the gift my daughter gave me this Christmas … I think that speaks volumes for our closeness.

 The Beauty of a Good Mother/Daughter Relationship

You Made Your Bed, But you Hurt Your Kids

On a somewhat wacko mission to hurt the relationship between a father and his children, a mother took the initiative to say and do bad things in front of her children. The mission of an ex, especially one who made the decision to leave the marriage, to break up a relationship between her children and their father due to her own insecurities and issues is so completely immoral and wrong. The problem is that television reality shows and social media accounts like Facebook seem to breed lack of common sense and good character. Sure you can blame society for the reason many people have started to enjoy drama over peaceful bliss, but in all reality we are human beings not sheep. We have the voice of reason inside of our brains and we have the ability to be better than what society may push upon us; be strong, stand up and be something more than what society portrays as the next big reality show.

Co Parenting Gone Bad You Made Your Bed, But you Hurt Your Kids

I’m a blogger. I love attention. I personally prefer positive attention, but just like my five year old son, some people simply prefer negative attention or any attention they can get. This is fine, as an individual, but when you have become divorced and are to raise children together with your ex amicably so as to not ruin the children …. then that is where you suck it the hell up and grow up, bite your tongue and be the positive influence your children need during this time of confusion. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible to do.

There are many woman out there, men too, that when they get divorced they seem to think it’s best to have the children pick a side. This constant battle of Mom versus Dad is more common when the parental unit has moved onto greener pastures. The ex will say anything he/she can to make it so the children feel obligated to be unhappy at the other parents home and in turn choose to side with the parent mouthing the most flack about the other parent. There are situations where the parent being a wacko and causing a ruckus actually ends up having the pages turned on him/her and then the children choose the more “sane” parent.

In New Hampshire, you are obligated to take a Child Impact Seminar when divorcing, separating or breaking up and have children together. This Child Impact Seminar is slightly messed up in some ways, because just like the NH “pro family” mentality, the Child Impact Seminar simply covers the “how things should go” when co-parenting, rather than covering the major percent of divorcees situations. That means, the Child Impact Seminar can assist those who have a positive mindset to move forward for the benefit of their children, but those who are Drama Kings or Queens won’t benefit from this course at all.

Sadly, with the children who are pushed away from one of the parents leaves that parent to make harsh, tough love type decisions. Always try to work things out without stooping to the other parents level, but if all fails and you are unable to get the children to see that Dad/Mom is happy and that you want them happy with you and their other parent – then you have some tough decisions to make. If you are a parent who has your children half of the time, correcting a wacko parent’s mistakes is easily done. If you are someone who doesn’t have the children half of the time or more often than just a few days a month, then you are going to have an extremely difficult time correcting the methods of your ex spouse.

In times when the ex has made a pretty comfy bed for your children to pretty much disown anything to do with you, yet the children still come to visit because they have no choice but to do so, it’s time to rethink what’s the best to do for the children in the long haul of life. If you have moved on and are in a serious relationship, that maybe also involves children beyond your own, it’s also time to rethink what is best for them. Sadly, when an ex spouse turns your child(ren) against you and all that makes you happy, you have to do whatever is necessary to ensure your sanity. If children don’t see a parent for years because they have decided to protect the evil ex spouse, their other parent, then there is nothing that you can do to change that. A child is only going to see the world and their parents, as the remainder of the world sees them, when they are mature enough to understand life in a whole new light.

So if you are one of those ex spouses who thought it would be totally cool to turn the children against their other parent because you are not mature enough to handle your own insecurities in life, then that makes you pure evil. A child is innocent, and should never, ever have to feel that they cannot be happy for both of their parents and with both of their parents. Do me a favor, now that you have made your bed, lie in it for a while and see for your own self just how much damage you did to your children. Then, take a moment and look in the mirror – do you see a good person or a downright evil person? If you still can see a good person and think all of the crap you put your kids through was okay, then you may just be more messed up than anyone else ever thought you to be.

Moral of the story is this; just because a marriage failed does not mean co-parenting has to fail!

“Image courtesy of smarnad/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.