Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

Are Some People Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

15 Hours Without Power

Last night our family was getting ready for our bedtime routine with the boys when BAM, flash, BOOM … the power went out.

My children do not sleep when the power goes out. I have emergency lights that are plugged into outlets so wen the power goes off they go flashing and allow for quick lighting, I have a ton of candles, which I quickly lit over the mantle. It doesn’t matter though, my children DO NOT sleep in their own bedrooms when there is no power. It simply doesn’t happen and it’s not worth the fight.

We had no power, no heat and barely any access to food because we had no way of cooking. Thank goodness most of us had already eaten something for dinner and we have a ton of water jugs for drinking water.

The kids realized that, while there was no internet, that my laptop worked and Minecraft was able to be used in creative mode without internet. The three kids bundled up on the couch and proceeded to just be silly having fun on Minecraft.

We laughed so hard, we smiled, we had fun.

Then it was time to wrap up for bed. I made a neat little bed on the floor of our bedroom for all three kids. With about 6-7 blankets the three kids snuggled up on our bedroom floor and kept warm overnight, when we woke up there was still no power.

Finally about 10am we got power back on. It was a long 15 hours but we made it and the house only got down to about  52 degrees which isn’t all that bad. Thank goodness it wasn’t below 0 outside or something, it is afterall Winter in New Hampshire – anything is possible.

In the morning, our neighbors brought us coffee and donuts from dunkin donuts, it was a pleasant surprise and really sweet gesture. I am thankful in times like these that we have the most wonderful neighbors ever and that we have each other – a very close knit happy family!

Nothing beats having power though … thank the Lord it’s back on!

Words I Shall Never Forget & May Use My Own Self

When I was a about 12 or 13 years old, maybe younger, not quite sure exactly, my Mom had this boyfriend. He was new, he wasn’t my Dad and I didn’t like him much at all at first. I was that daughter, the brat who apparently didn’t like my mom’s boyfriends unless they spoiled us girls. That’s how kids think, right? It’s all about them, never mind their parents happiness mattering.

I didn’t take to this guy very easily as I really don’t recall I ever took lightly to any of my Mom’s boyfriends while younger, however, he soon grew to be accepted by me and someone to this day words will stick with me. I think he was the one person who taught me how I may want to parent, it wasn’t just him because I do parent a lot like my Dad too. I am the perfect mix of all I had around me growing up with a twist of who I am personally.

The words I shall never forget were said to me during my trying of parent’s patience years. The teen years when I knew all. I did all I wanted to do. And no one matter but me. Yeah those years. I used to sneak out of my bedroom window at night, I would climb out of my bedroom window on the second floor of house, shimmy across the shingles to jump up on roof. Then shimmy down the angled roof to the top of the porch and jump off down to friends, usually boys. To hang out, have fun and well do things I shouldn’t have been doing at that age.

We had two doberman pinchers back then who barked like crazy some nights and although that freaked me out, nothing could stop me from sneaking out. It was what I wanted to do and that is all that mattered back then. Well one day my Mom’s boyfriend, who I called my Step Dad later on in life (even though they never married and have not been together for years now), said to me “If I catch anyone climbing into this house in a window, in the dark, I will be sitting there with a baseball bat and beat whoever it is that is sneaking in. To me that is an intruder and when it’s dark I won’t be able to see who it is. Just so you know”

That was his way of basically calling me out on sneaking out. The thing I loved most about this man was that he could scare the ever loving crap out of me, but did it in a way that wasn’t intimidating to a teen girl who ” knew all”. I don’t know if I ever snuck out after that talk, maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. But I do know those are the creative ways I would talk to my kids if they were up to no good. Let them know that I am aware of what they are doing and will rectify the situation if it happens again, but in a way that doesn’t challenge their teen brains to do it more. Not sure i would ever basically say I would beat my kids with a baseball bat, but I would be creative and am today with the kids being 10, 6 and 4.

Those are the words I shall never, ever forget.

Keeping Your Relationship Alive

I can say from experience that date night is truly a way to get your relationship back on track or to keep it on the right path. I have seen many families fall apart due to the fact that kids keep the parents busy and they neglect each other. It is common to think, let’s raise the kids and worry about us later. The biggest problem with “worry about us later” is that later, after the kids are grown and have moved out you will find that the two adults that once loved each other enough to marry and raise a family together are now strangers in their own house.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So the question is, how can a couple get in on a date night for at least one night a month? I would say that they need to find daycare options for the children at least once a month. The problem, common for many, is that parents are reluctant to just search the newspapers or online classifieds to find a babysitter. Sad thing is, there are a lot of weirdos out there and if family won’t step up and watch your children then you may be left with no options for a date night out.

Have a date night in, if you find no daycare options. Get the kids to bed a little bit earlier than normal once a month on a weekend night that both adults have free. Plan a nice movie, treat and possibly some cuddle time. Holding hands while watching your favorite television show or a new movie together at least once a month can help rejuvenate your relationship and help keep that bond that you had when you two first met.

Do you do date nights with your partner? How do you manage date nights with children?