I am guilty of holding my own self up to this high expectation, I have always felt I am strong and can make it through anything – alone or not alone. That is who I am. As a close loved one told me earlier today, “Everyone can only be so strong. You’re stronger than most.” The thing about me is that because I hold myself to such high standards, I tend to hold others to those standards and that really is not fair.
Everyone has a busy life. Everyone has their own inside demons to work out. Everyone has their own things that they have going on that maybe they are not as outspoken about like I am. That is one thing a lot of my current friends know of me and say often; “I have frustrations too but you are just more outspoken about them and passionate about getting them out verbally while I sort of hold onto it internally until I am ready to say something that makes sense”. That I am guilty of, when something is bothering me I ramble it out in writing or words just so that I can be free of it. Doing that means it doesn’t always come out correctly.
Sad thing for me right now is that there has been someone lost, while it may have been expected, I really needed a couple people who I hold very close to my heart there for me. Lately, as in the past few months, those who I held so close to me, they were my rock, my love, the only people I knew I could go to for anything, have disappeared. Or so I feel as if they have disappeared. I start to wonder what I did wrong, why don’t they talk to me anymore.
Then I realized, just today, that it doesn’t matter that they are not here for me in the way they used to be. That they do not seem to care to have my children and me in their life in a way I have tried to keep them. Sometimes, whether you are talking about family or friends, you just have to let go because people change, lives change and sometimes people just suck.
While I am not saying those I miss having around me “suck”, in all reality they are amazing people who really can sometimes get me to think in a different light, I am just sad that in their actions (or lack there of) that they seem to not want to be here for me when I really needed them. I would be there for them in a heart beat if I knew they needed someone, guess sometimes, it takes that down and out moment to realize just who is that important in your life. I have to remember that I can only be so strong just like others.
I have to remember that while I can love a lot of family and friends in my world, it does not mean we will always talk or always be there when the other needs us, but after going through what I went through last night into today, my eyes were opened as to who really is genuinely caring and not about me. It hurts. I’m sad about it, but at the same time, I shall move on and still continue to love those who were a part of my life and are not there anymore. I will not hold bitterness, rage and anger because that will only consume me to become who I used to be.
Getting this off the chest helped. Collecting my thoughts and writing down my rambles has really helped me to try to put others back down to normal expectations and realize that while others may not talk to me in that moment, they do love me and would be there in a heart beat should that situation call for it.
It doesn’t really help that this Winter has played a huge toll on my mood and well being. It doesn’t help that I am having my own health problems that no one knows about except those who are actually 100% part of my world. It doesn’t help that I am just ready for sunshine… but thankfully writing helps, seeing my kids smiley faces helps and having the love I have within my direct household helps. I am thankful for what I do have and have survived through worse.