You Made Your Bed, But you Hurt Your Kids

On a somewhat wacko mission to hurt the relationship between a father and his children, a mother took the initiative to say and do bad things in front of her children. The mission of an ex, especially one who made the decision to leave the marriage, to break up a relationship between her children and their father due to her own insecurities and issues is so completely immoral and wrong. The problem is that television reality shows and social media accounts like Facebook seem to breed lack of common sense and good character. Sure you can blame society for the reason many people have started to enjoy drama over peaceful bliss, but in all reality we are human beings not sheep. We have the voice of reason inside of our brains and we have the ability to be better than what society may push upon us; be strong, stand up and be something more than what society portrays as the next big reality show.

Co-Parenting Gone Bad

I’m a blogger. I love attention. I personally prefer positive attention, but just like my five year old son, some people simply prefer negative attention or any attention they can get. This is fine, as an individual, but when you have become divorced and are to raise children together with your ex amicably so as to not ruin the children …. then that is where you suck it the hell up and grow up, bite your tongue and be the positive influence your children need during this time of confusion. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible to do.

There are many woman out there, men too, that when they get divorced they seem to think it’s best to have the children pick a side. This constant battle of Mom versus Dad is more common when the parental unit has moved onto greener pastures. The ex will say anything he/she can to make it so the children feel obligated to be unhappy at the other parents home and in turn choose to side with the parent mouthing the most flack about the other parent. There are situations where the parent being a wacko and causing a ruckus actually ends up having the pages turned on him/her and then the children choose the more “sane” parent.

In New Hampshire, you are obligated to take a Child Impact Seminar when divorcing, separating or breaking up and have children together. This Child Impact Seminar is slightly messed up in some ways, because just like the NH “pro family” mentality, the Child Impact Seminar simply covers the “how things should go” when co-parenting, rather than covering the major percent of divorcees situations. That means, the Child Impact Seminar can assist those who have a positive mindset to move forward for the benefit of their children, but those who are Drama Kings or Queens won’t benefit from this course at all.

Sadly, with the children who are pushed away from one of the parents leaves that parent to make harsh, tough love type decisions. Always try to work things out without stooping to the other parents level, but if all fails and you are unable to get the children to see that Dad/Mom is happy and that you want them happy with you and their other parent – then you have some tough decisions to make. If you are a parent who has your children half of the time, correcting a wacko parent’s mistakes is easily done. If you are someone who doesn’t have the children half of the time or more often than just a few days a month, then you are going to have an extremely difficult time correcting the methods of your ex spouse.

In times when the ex has made a pretty comfy bed for your children to pretty much disown anything to do with you, yet the children still come to visit because they have no choice but to do so, it’s time to rethink what’s the best to do for the children in the long haul of life. If you have moved on and are in a serious relationship, that maybe also involves children beyond your own, it’s also time to rethink what is best for them. Sadly, when an ex spouse turns your child(ren) against you and all that makes you happy, you have to do whatever is necessary to ensure your sanity. If children don’t see a parent for years because they have decided to protect the evil ex spouse, their other parent, then there is nothing that you can do to change that. A child is only going to see the world and their parents, as the remainder of the world sees them, when they are mature enough to understand life in a whole new light.

So if you are one of those ex spouses who thought it would be totally cool to turn the children against their other parent because you are not mature enough to handle your own insecurities in life, then that makes you pure evil. A child is innocent, and should never, ever have to feel that they cannot be happy for both of their parents and with both of their parents. Do me a favor, now that you have made your bed, lie in it for a while and see for your own self just how much damage you did to your children. Then, take a moment and look in the mirror – do you see a good person or a downright evil person? If you still can see a good person and think all of the crap you put your kids through was okay, then you may just be more messed up than anyone else ever thought you to be.

Moral of the story is this; just because a marriage failed does not mean co-parenting has to fail!

“Image courtesy of smarnad/”.

Teaching Kids that Mom Needs Time but Still Loves You

It’s easy for my kids to understand that Mama needs time away but still loves them. Why? Because they have lived it their whole lives. Take my daughter, for example, her Dad and I have been co-parenting in separate households since she was four months of age. This type of co-parenting situation has been her norm for many, many years and she accepts that this is how it is until she reaches an age of being able to make some visitation decisions on her own. My daughter has had a balance even with co-parenting visits all of her life so she understands that Mama needs time away too, and still loves her.

My son’s have learned through different aspects, even when I was married and living with my ex husband after our divorce, I would often take advantage of time away from the chaos of raising two hyper boys and enjoy peace and quiet alone. This is normal for every parent and because I took advantage of this from day one with my children, all three of them, they have an appreciation for what they need to ensure they stay on a happy path of being their own self and loving life.

In raising my kids to have time away from their parents they have learned that just because Mom or Dad isn’t around doesn’t mean they don’t love them. My kids know they are loved and never question that, well there may be times but I cannot get into that online. My kids know that no matter what they do, no matter how far away their parents are, that they will see them on whichever day it is to visit the other parent and that they are loved whether together or apart from said parent.

I think every child needs to feel this security but sadly with co-parenting that is not always the case, especially if the parents tried to shelter the kids from divorce as a means to protect them. Kids need to learn what the real world is all about, that it isn’t all candy and sunshine. That hard times can fall upon people, it is how those people work to move forward from it that can teach our children of the world how to properly move forward or to lead an adult life as a messed up adult thinking that everything should always be fine.

I would much rather watch children struggle through hard times than be sheltered, living in a bubble only to be tossed out to the wolves when they become adults. Let’s work together to teach our children that they loved even when you are away from them. Teach our children of the world the security to feel loved when all alone. That is how you build a secure child which leads to a secure adult more often than not.

Helping the Dad Out

I took my youngest son out on Saturday to help my Dad at the new farm stand in Vermont. We had a blast getting dirty and just hanging out helping in whatever way we could.

I was so impressed with how well the little man helped out his Grampa and me. It was great for him to get out away from his siblings and do some helping outdoors. We weeded an area and cleaned out a shed. During down time my son found a mouse scurrying around the shed and he enjoyed playing with all of the latch hook locks he could find on various doors on the outdoor buildings.

So this Summer I get to head on over and get my nails dirty, blisters on my hands helping the Dad out. It will all be worth it to see this place go places!

Funny Stay at Home Dad Song

I happened upon this song on YouTube and it’s actually funny, a stay at home Dad rock song about being a stay at home Dad. Seriously, check it out …..

There are a lot of stay at home Dads these days and just thought this was rather cute! I mean I can relate as a mom too but how many of you are stay at home Dad’s can appreciate this song? What do you think Moms?

Oh the things I find on YouTube!

Communication Is Key To All

Whether you are looking to fix a relationship, solve a problem or deal with step parenting; communication is key to an amicable resolution. Blended families come in all different sizes, shapes and colors. A blended family may be that of a step mom or step dad with a birth mom or dad.  A blended family may be adopted children with biological children or something in between those examples. No matter what type of blended family you are, challenges may arise.

It’s tough to raise children in a biological family setting but it can be even harder in a blended family environment. When you give birth to a child you are planning on loving that child and protecting that child no matter what, it can be hard to step back and allow a step parent to come into your life and implement your agreed upon discipline tactics. As a parent we tend to be very maternal or paternal with our children in some cases extremely so. Marrying another person who is not a biological parent of your child will make you rethink parenting, you will have to let go and realize that the step parent is in love with you and your child. The step parent wants the same thing you dream of; a happy, safe, loving environment that your child can flourish in and become a mature adult with good morals, attainable life goals and a well balanced emotional state of mind.

The child of a step parent may not be open to having this new “parent” come in and tell them what to do, give them time outs or take away special privaledges. It is up to the biological parent to work with both their child and the step parent to ensure both are aware of what is expected from each of them and assist in developing a level of respect between the two. It is normal and to be expected that a child will feel confused about the divorce or separation of their biological parents, during the transition process of welcoming a step parent into the picture each adult should tread lightly but firmly to crete an easy transition for the child but also allow the child to understand he/she must respect this new family member.

If you are at a loss for how to involve your new partner into your child’s life, seek counseling. A counselor will be able to provide an unbiased view of each adult in the household and evaluate the child’s emotional state of mind. A counselor will be able to guide you through this transition process in a way that will benefit all family members involved. If you are opposed to involving a “stranger” in your lives, maybe you can find a mutual friend or family member who will be willing to lend an ear and a helping hand for this sensitive situation.

Whatever method you choose to determine how this new family member will be involved in yours and your child’s life you must remember to keep the communication open in the household. Your child has a voice and needs to feel safe and secure expressing their opinions and concerns in a productive way. As the parents you must create an open communication environment which means leading by example. A step parent and a parent should communicate in the same way they expect the child involved to communicate or else the child will feed off of how the parents react to situations and this can create an eruptive situation which could cause the blended family to fail in the long haul.

Running in Circles

That is how it feels most days. I have two kids to bring to school every day of the week, except my oldest who is brought by her father two days a week. Then I rush home grab my coffee and hop into the office to work til about 12:30pm. Then I have the afternoon with my youngest to spend running off his energy {and mine}. Then off to get kids from school and three days a week is soccer with one other day cheerleading. It seems I am running around like my head is cut off four days a week.

Finally Friday comes and no sports but of course there’s school and it’s Friday “Mom” so oldest wants to stay up and hang with me, I want to work but I want the time with her too. She goes to her Dad’s every other weekend so the weekends she is home are important to me.

I love it so much when my daughter’s father laughs out loud at me about my memory failing me and how overwhelmed I get. I mean seriously, he has ONE child and she is like the eeasiets child in the world so how can he LOL at me? I would love to see him live in my shoes for a few weeks non stop boys and dealing with AJ’s aggression some days. It’s no piece of pie I tell ya.

I am not complaingin by any means, I do realize one day I will miss this hectic life and not know what to do with my free time but some where, some time soon I need to realize that I am just as important as my children and get away some how for a night off. I really feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into this state of mind that makes my life feel like I am drifting along with no real emotion or anything in life. That isn’t healthy and it’s damn right scary to me.

So … as October 28th nears and I realize I will be 30 only once in my life, I plan to get away. Maybe rent a hotel room or something even if I am all alone just so I can have some peace and quiet for my birthday.