Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

ID 100235570 Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

 Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

Let’s Get Real – Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationships

I was watching this documentary the other weekend called America Reframed After Happily Ever After and it opened my mind to some areas that I should be working on, while I was aware of the areas the show just helped my fiance and I sort of nod our head in an agreement with this show in more ways than one.

photo 2 Lets Get Real   Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationshipsMy fiance and I have always had pretty decent communication skills, let’s face it when you meet someone who has three kids and you have two almost teenagers, well it’s going to require a lot of preparation to see if the blended family scenario will work. While you can never crease out all wrinkles in a blended family, you can at least go into it resting assured your combined children are not going to kill each other. The biggest factor to us starting our world as a couple or not, was whether our children would combine together well, meaning that they actually “liked” each other. And they did/do.

That was our first step in relationship, okay well technically our first step was meeting over coffee and conversation to see if we even would hit it off as two adults together. And we did/do.

Heading into the second part of our year together, meaning we have survived two winters and one full year together, this is now marking one year and about four months time … we are noticing the need to have a greater level of communication and honestly can be found discussing a variety of topics til the wee hours of the morning. The topics that we usually get stuck on are;

  • Staying positive and confident we will get back on top of finances after our first Winter season in newly purchased home.
  • How we are going to work with and handle various tidbits of details with his two teenager children and his ex wife.
  • What we can do for each other to be kinder and show more gratitude for our relationship.
  • Calling our own selves out on our mistakes, faults and areas we feel we should work on as a couple as well as an individual.

Do not get me wrong, we spend a lot of hours discussing our positive areas living together with my three children and his two occasionally visiting us. We have found that for the first time in forever, we are two people who simply balance each other. I have to give my fiance props for hanging in there through our second Winter season together; Winter is a very difficult season for me and this years was even harder than the last in regards to mood stability. We hung in there though and now as the sunshine comes out from the sky, the birds chirp in the air and we see that Spring has finally come, things are getting kinder and more relaxed around here.

One thing that my fiance and I knew going into our relationship is that nothing is going to be easy, nothing is going to go by the book and with five combined children, nothing is ever going to shock us. There are times where we just shake our head, because we had a feeling certain things may happen. It’s like we have been so comfortable in our skin in our relationship that nothing surprises us anymore. We work as a team no matter what comes about, but that is not to say that he does things that drive me bonkers and vice versa.

A good friend of mine once told me that we all have things that irk us, but things that irk us a bit are not always deal breakers. Each of us has a subconscious list of deal breakers; things in a partner that just won’t work with us. I have to be honest, there isn’t any of those things with my fiance. We both were talking last night about how we never talk badly about each other, there have been times this Winter where I vented but the end result was me dealing with my own issues raising an autistic child, juggling three kids schedules and trying to work during the slow season. Basically, anytime that I felt I wanted to walk out that door on my fiance, the man I committed to marry within the next year, really didn’t come down to him as an individual, it came down to the fact that I am not so easy nor selfless all of the time in a relationship scenario.

I have been so completely used to being alone or living as if I was alone that it’s extremely difficult for me to step back and realize that not only is it a wonderful skill to be a selfless parent, but it’s a wonderful addition to any relationship when you can be just as selfless to your loving partner! There’s still a ways for us to go but at the end of the day, we are happy to be together, we want our future with each other in it, side by side and what sells me the most is how my children look up to him as Agent Waffle, aka Dad # 2.

 Lets Get Real   Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationships

How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why  make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

 How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Mama I was Soooo Embarrassed

This whole thing with my middle child not being on medication is a fun ride, seriously. I am enjoying getting to know my son all over again and the person he has become at age 7 is not the one I remember at age 4, but that’s to be expected with any child. I love that I am able to work from home and be that person who picks my kids up from school, because it allows my children to vent directly to me upon release from school while their emotions about their day are still fresh in their mind.

Lately, my son Aj has been coming home with various emotional concerns. Sometimes he is super happy because they did something totally awesome or he accomplished something he hadn’t accomplished before and he is  beaming with pride. Aj knows and loves that I respond with a proud tone when he has accomplished something that makes him proud. Aj thrives on tones and emotional responses from people; be that positive or negative.  One day a child in music class hit Aj, I had a 7 year old’s version of the story so I had to make a couple phone calls to figure out what had happened. Within just a few short moments I had determined what occurred and the next day Aj met with the guidance counselor and the other child who made peace with each other. It was a misunderstanding or accidental scenario that Aj was just sharing with me as he was sad in the moment but he recouped quickly.

I didn’t feel Aj was being bullied. I felt that something happened but had to get to the bottom through speaking with the adults involved and it came to be that the other child was simply being a bit exaggerated in their movements during music class which in turn accidentally collided with Aj. No purposeful harm was done. Case closed.

Moving on, another time Aj stated that he was soooo embarrassed because he was grouped with all girls in music class. To a young boy, being grouped with girls is a nightmare. I guess. I had to refrain from giggling because honestly the way Aj explained it was hilarious to me and also hearing Aj say he was embarrassed was new to me. This is a child who in the past has never become embarrassed.

Then we have had the scenario where Aj wanted a specific reading partner, he had asked a few people and those few people said no. Aj is not accommodating to change in most instances, so if he had his heart set on a specific person to be his partner I know him well enough to know that if that didn’t happen, he would be sad or frustrated and refuse to work. This happened recently. Aj had asked a few friends if they would be his reading partner and all had said no. There were other people left who didn’t have a partner but Aj didn’t want to be their partner. So Aj spent the remainder of that reading partner time sulking. This is something new. This is also a life lesson that Aj needs to comprehend, not every child will want to be your partner. Not every friend will want to do something with you. That’s okay.

I am having a difficult time teaching my son life lessons because of his different view of life and the world around him. Aj sees black and white; and he isn’t very flexible with changes. This means if Aj has his heart set on something being one way and that one way is impossible to have happen that he can break down in sadness or frustration. We are working on ways to handle Aj, for now I am doing the best I can to explain life to him in a way that maybe he can understand.

This  post is brought you by me because I read a post called Is it Bullying that reminded me about these little stories that have happened recently for my son. I think far too may parents want to jump on the anti-bullying train, when in reality some scenarios really are life lessons that kids need to learn. As adults we know not everyone is going to like us, but it’s not okay for another adult to harass us or call us names; that is the same simple concept we need to teach our children.

 Mama I was Soooo Embarrassed

Raising a Child Who is Very Simple

It’s funny I spend a lot of time talking, writing and thinking about my seven year old son. I sometimes get frustrated that he is unlike my other two kids, or any other average human being out there in this world. Then, while on the phone or talking out loud about my son, I realize things …

I’m raising a very simple child.

Now that my seven year old has been off of any medications for nearly two months, I have noticed things about him. I have noticed how my middle child’s brain works. I realized that my son isn’t as complex as some have said he is. My son is actually quite simple.

I’m raising a child who calls it how he sees it.

My son sees the world in black and white. NO grey areas apply to my son, he cannot comprehend them. The world is this one way and that’s it. My son is simple in that 1+1=2. Period. Point blank. End of discussion. If you tell my son he can’t do something, that he very clearly is capable of doing, he will reply simply, “yes I can. I just did it.” or “yes I can. Watch.”

I’m raising a child who thrives on routine and structure.

I see so many parents talk about how they want their children to be on a routine, that this upside down crazy schedule of waking up at odd hours and having different things each day makes for chaos. My son is simple; he likes his structure and routine, and he thrives on it. The same thing for breakfast every single morning. The same after school routine every single day. The same bedtime preparation, every single day. My son is an amazing child when you structure his day to be simple and the same.

I’m raising a child who loves you because you does.

There is no explaining the whys or how comes when it comes to my son Aj. It’s pretty simple, you hit him, he hits back. You do this, he does it back. While that isn’t always the greatest way to be, that’s how he sees life. You give back what you get. You get what you give back. To be Aj’s friend, it simply takes you being there for him. Aj is a very matter of fact child, again there is no grey area.

Life for my son is black & white. It’s simple.

So why do I struggle sometimes? Well because I was trying to raise a child who sees only black n white ways of the world to see the grey parts. Aj’s brain doesn’t work like that. You work with Aj, he doesn’t mold to work with you. While I realize this can be a challenge in preparing him for the real world, for now it works and if he does end up with an autism diagnosis, well that will  make how his brain works even more clear to me as a parent, thus giving me more tools and resources to work to raise a child who sees the world in black n white.

 Raising a Child Who is Very Simple

Sometimes Blending a Family Isn’t a Piece of Cake

Sometimes two people get lucky. After divorcing the parent to their children they happen upon their perfect partner and his & hers kids match up well. The family is united without much issue. The ex spouse is amazingly supportive and works together to help keep the blended family an encouraged addition to the children’s lives.

Then… you have the other types of blended family scenarios, which sadly are far more common to every day life for divorced couples.

The Other Side to Blending a Family Sometimes Blending a Family Isnt a Piece of Cake

You meet. You fall in love. You realize it’s time to introduce the kids. You are nervous, you talk together about how you will work with any bumps along the road and you get your plan together. Then the kids meet. The kids love each other. Yours and theirs, they get along as if they had been around each other for years. It makes you and your partner stop blinking for fear this is a dream that will end upon that next blink. It’s bliss. Pure blended family bliss!

Then … it happens… the ex gets jealous or insecure that the other “new parent figure” will take their place and in turn passes their insecurities down to the kids by pushing them away from the other parent as well as the other parents partner and by default, the children from the new partner.

This is where blending a family becomes near impossible. I don’t often use the term impossible, and maybe blending a family when an ex pushes their own insecurities onto a child can work if the child realizes what is going on. Sadly, this is not the case at this moment in time. Teenagers. Teenagers not raised to have this family bond, the sense of family togetherness, the sense of what’s right versus what’s wrong. Teenagers living primarily in an environment that breeds drugs, alcoholics and parents not wishing to parent their children. Teenagers left to be able to do whatever they want without many boundaries set because the other parent feels that “they are teenagers and you compromise with them”.

Shakes my head.

What do you do when your own flesh and blood cannot see the self destructive path they are going down? What do you do to help them blend well with your happy, positive home environment that promotes boundaries, rules and a sense of family unity? What do you do when the ex has made it so completely impossible for you to do anything and if you did try, the few days a month you see these teens, you are not able to get them to get on a better path.

It’s not easy to parent kids these days, so many negative temptations out there at their finger tips. Parents not being parents. Children raising children. This day and age has lost the sense of family unity but a few people still promote such a sense of pride in their family. When teenagers have slipped to the other side of things and you have no way of getting them off of that path, what do you do? Do you continue to have them around those few days a month when you can see they are clearly completely miserable and imposing their negative attitude onto others in the blended family? Do you continue to dread seeing your children because you want to see them as they were just under a year ago? Up until eight months ago life was great. Blending the family unit worked, there were some bumps that came up but overall it was good. We had little, if any, complaints.

Now … we sit here. We watch.

Teenagers falling down a path that they cannot even seem to realize. Kids who need guidance, love and boundaries. Kids who need to realize the path they are going down isn’t going to lead to a successful hard working mentality as adults. A life that can lead down a path that has disastrous results. It’s sad really, that a person would do such a thing to their own children. It’s sad that the children do not see how they were turned against their new blended family unit instead of encouraged to be happy in both households, encouraged to have a relationship with both households. It’s just sad. It is also very wrong. Maybe one day, the hope is, that these children will mature enough to realize the wrong, hurtful things their other parent has done to them. That’s a big hope that is out of our control, we are doing the best we can and living life to the best of our abilities. One hard decision is that we cannot have that negativity be imposed upon our household that has a happy & positive tone as well as a family united mentality. We are doing all we can do. Just living each day to the fullest and keeping hope!

“Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.