Sometimes You Just Have to …. LET IT GO

So many parents live in this fear of losing their child or children. I get it. I have anxiety that I cope and fight with often. I used to fear the world as it pertained to my children. I then woke up. I realized that if I fear the world then they are going to fear the world. Now what parent wants that for their child? Not me.

I have had some awful things happen to me; how my virginity was lost or almost lost is still a blur to me, but it was a scenario that made me more aware about the fact that bad things happen to good people. I was also made aware, looking back, of how lost I was as a child and in turn wanted to parent my children in a way that never left them feeling that empty. So empty that you would be okay and accept the love of a man who was way older than you. That happened to me more often than I can recall, but I often found myself being hit on and sexualized by older men from about age 13 or maybe 12 and forward. Never was it my parents, nor any blood relative, but it was people who I did trust or thought I could trust. Let’s just keep it at that.

You see, I could live my life as a parent in fear that the same things that happened to me would happen to my own children, I don’t wish to live that way. I much prefer teaching my children to have high self esteem, to have better decision making skills and to be able to have skills in conflict resolution. I also prefer to teach my children skills on trusting their gut; that whole “good touch vs bad touch” concept they teach in schools, I discussed with my kids long before the schools addressed it. I let my kids know that if a touch makes alarms go off in their head or even a person’s character makes an alarm, sick gut feeling happen within their own self that they need to listen to that.

Instilling fear into my children wouldn’t allow them to experience the world as fully as I want them to. Sure there are bad people out there and in all honesty, some are those we entrust with our children. That was me, I was entrusted with someone or at least to be around this someone and well, sadly it worked out that shit happened. Had I been more self confident, felt more loved and whole I bet that wouldn’t have happened. Who knows though, hindsight is always 20/20.

I have raised, specifically my oldest at this point in time, that if she feels a touch hurts, is bad or is unacceptable then it may just be that. It doesn’t matter if it’s a caregiver or a family member, we do not have to ever put ourselves into a situation that we are not comfortable with. I also encourage my children to overcome their anxious feelings with new situations and to learn what is a gut feeling versus hormones or anxiety. These concepts are not easy to teach through words, you have to lead by example when it comes to the kids.

I live my life free spirited, confident and happy. I live this way because I know I am giving my children a good role model to look up to. Note: I never said perfect role model. I prefer to be a real life human role model that leads her life for complete happiness within. I can only hope and pray these lessons are taught to my children through my example.

I think parenting is difficult, it isn’t easy to let go, knowing that there are so many harmful people in this world, believe me, I am aware of just how harmful people can be. I went through a lot that no family member knows about, because I didn’t have anyone to turn to back then, but as an adult, I have forgiven and moved on to better myself. Harmful people can hurt others but they cannot break them forever.  I just hope my children grow up to realize that bad things may happen to them, but if they keep their heart free of bitterness and open to faith and love then they can overcome any bad that happens to them, so as long as they want to move forward.

What’s the Key to Great Relations? Using your Heart Felt Words

Something that I am guilty of doing, quite frequently, is broadcasting things. It seems a lot of the times, mainly when life is getting more challenging for me, I speak out in this tone of broadcast journalist, versus a human being with feelings. That’s not to say journalists don’t have feelings, but they tend to report versus feel and report. In our personal lives we need to feel and report. Not just report.

I get stuck in the report area. All. The. Time.

Far too often I can be found ranting and raving about something and then pause to realize, “wait, I don’t feel anything with what  I am saying”. Thankfully I am getting better at noticing the difference between an overwhelmed version of me and the heartfelt me. There is a lot of things in life and relations that I am trying to evaluate if they are from the heart issues, deal breakers or just simply me taking something out on a person who is right there ready to be the venting box.

I firmly believe the key to any good relationship or friendship lies in the ability to speak with emotion backing the words.

For someone who knows who they are inside and out. For someone who knows deeply right versus wrong. Gut instinct versus hormonal imbalance. Then they will be more apt to speak with emotions versus just broadcasting, yet no one is perfect. It is so much easier just to rant and spout off the mouth about something that is bugging you, instead of sitting down and having a heart to heart moment.

If more people would simply follow their gut instincts, there would be less divorce and more love.

I think the biggest area people can benefit from working on within their own self is the ability to speak with gut instinct emotions based words rather than hormonal imbalance spoken words or words that are just broadcasted out there with no emotions behind them. I believe this with all of my heart, sadly life isn’t all black & white though, we have a lot of grey areas to think about. This means when you do finally realize that maybe your words did have valid emotions somewhere underneath, that you have to face reality with the decisions that you made.

Life isn’t easy, it’s a long journey of trials and tribulations. If you follow your gut instincts, mind, soul and body as often as you possibly can, you will see that life doesn’t’ have to be as confusing as you make it out to be.

How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why  make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

Emotional Abuse – The Silent Killer

Physical abuse also brings emotional abuse, the difference between having someone who is just emotionally abused is that no one outside can see the scars left on their soul. Physical abuse is by far easier to prove because there is physical evidence of such abuse happening. I think the biggest reason that Emotional Abuse goes unreported or isn’t treated the same as physical abuse, especially when it pertains to children, is because there is no real “definition” to base Emotional Abuse on.

Emotional Abuse can be defined by the characteristic traits one has, but still, even then when it pertains to a child versus an adult that is where too many people close their eyes and ears. More people need to speak up and genuinely believe these children who come to you citing examples of what you know to be emotional abuse. Keep fighting, sadly your hands will get tied quicker than dealing with a physical abuse scenario but never give up on helping that child. Ever.

Some tell-tale signs that the person who your child is talking about may be emotional abusing them*;

  • Degrading – The adult is trying to diminish the child’s identity, dignity, and self-worth of the person.
  • Isolating -  The adult is trying to keep the child from having age-appropriate private conversations with their peers, not allowing the child to have friends over or go to friends houses because it takes away from “their time together”, or maybe even not allowing the child to have any level of age-appropriate privacy.
  • Terrorizing – The adult is consistently  making the child fear scenarios that shouldn’t be fearful, such as threatening, intimidating and making the child feel as if they have to be a certain way in order to avoid losing normal everyday rights a child should have.

Bringing more Awareness to Emotional AbuseSadly emotional abuse is extremely difficult to prove because we can define the characteristics all day long but emotional abuse is far too often kept just as private as physical abuse and without physical scars on the victims body, you are unable to prove it without a doubt. Emotional abuse is about feelings. I firmly believe that if a child feels he/she is constantly degraded, belittled, isolated, terrorized and left feeling manipulated, bitter, angry and sad all at once then a safe adult needs to listen and hear this child. A safe adult needs to do everything they can. No person in this world, whether child or adult, should have to sit back and endure a lot many of years under emotionally abusive conditions.

It’s far more difficult to prove a child being abused by an adult, especially if that adult is the parent to the child. What needs to be taken into consideration when handling an adult versus child emotional abuse scenario is the ability for the child to think level headed, have comprehension skills to realize the difference between a strict parent and emotionally abusive parent, to be able to properly explain the world as that child see is to you in a way that makes you feel confident that this child knows what they are sharing is truly emotional abuse not a form of being upset with a more strict parenting style.

I will continue fighting to get emotional abuse handled better, I will continue fighting for the rights of children to be able to live in an environment free of emotional abuse. I will continue to spread positive words, and live by example to ensure each day I can help get our world to recognize emotional abuse is real and deadly.

No one, child nor adult, deserves to be abused, ever!

*Source: https://www.southernct.edu/student-life/health/womenscenter/violence-against-women/dating_violence_folder/emotional-abuse.html

“Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Getting Back to Positive and Thank God

Phew….

So one thing a person does not have control over is who someone else is as a person, and how someone else feels about something. The specific topic of “you cannot change another person unless they wish to change” and “you cannot help how you feel, nor how someone else feels as that’s an emotion. No one controls another persons feelings”, are lessons I have taught my kids from day one. I have taught my kids to be respectful, kind and to love everyone. I have taught that hate, stupid and negative words that hurt others are not acceptable, among other things.

In October my oldest will be 11. She is also my only daughter.

Up until this past weekend it did not dawn on my just how much like me this little girl is. Miss Ki has a brilliant and fair mind. Ki is understanding and compassionate yet to the point. As I watched my daughter interact and discuss with me issues or concerns in her mind, my jaw dropped because it was as if I was having a conversation with myself. The conversation lent  itself to be fair, understanding, compassionate but at the same time to the point. I could not have been more proud!! To see my work as a parent start to pay off through a serious conversation with my daughter.

On another note, my daughter is a lot like me in that we feed off of other people’s energies. We can sense when someone else has a negative energy about them, a negative mood and what not. We can sense this without even speaking the person, hearing them speak or anything, we just have this keen sense of feeling and/or sensing whatever energy the other person is putting out there. When there is a negative energy about us we get off track, we feel drained, tired and emotional, we get angry and have these sad emotions. Negative energy really is bad, it pulls even the most positive of people downward giving them the feeling that they have to fight harder to remain positive.

There is no need for someone to have such negative energy. Talk. Be honest. Be Respectful. Things can get resolved if you utilize the resources and loving people around you. With that being said, negative energies that have overcome a young one may make them more susceptible to outside influences and that is scary to me. I could not ever imagine having any grown adult take advantage of a child, children are so innocent and sweet and honest … then put them into their home environment and they learn to be malicious, manipulative, disrespect and much more because that is what they live around.

So while I work to get back in to the positive groove of things, I have to remember that not all children and adults can be saved, without walking the paths they need to walk, heck some do not ever get saved. I also Thank God every day to be blessed to have what I have, to be who I am and that my kids were raised by such a person, because I watch as they become that loving, nurturing, honest person too!

Taking Too Much Help Could Make you Weaker

I always say that I will give anyone my time. I have so much time but not a lot of money so as I work to try to give back more, I look for ways to give back time that will in turn give money through my time to other people and organizations but then it dawns on me, am I giving too much? I believe that one can never give too much to the true needy in this world but what if you are the one who is needy in some ways and refuses to take help?

I am a stubborn pain the butt, I refuse help often, even if it’s just emotional support. I just am used to fighting and figuring things out – it’s what makes me stronger and makes me feel as if I am accomplished. There is nothing wrong in this world with wanting to do everything on your own and to mind your P’s and Q’s to keep a little peace around the world, but honestly? Sometimes, just sometimes you need to stand up and fight for what you are due.

Like half of bills? Yeah, that is a biggie. I am famous of having let people just not pay their half just to be rid of situations I got myself into. I am famous for allowing people to walk all over me at times.  I will help them until I can’t help them anymore and then I am drained; both financially and emotionally. I am feeling this lately, the lows from financial downs and emotional blues.

I just need someone to let up and give me a tiny break so that I can come back in 30 days with a WHAM, but alas, that is not how life works. Life doesn’t cut corners or give you breaks, after all if that were the case then I probably wouldn’t be as strong willed and determined as I am today. So keep fighting everyone, if you wish people would hand you more, think again, having too many hand outs will not make you a stronger, independent person but rather make you weaker and lazier if given too much too often.

I say work your hardest, never look back and forgive but don’t forget and you will eventually see so much success in your world, all in time. Give but not give so much that you are taking from your own family. Love but be guarded. Live and smile because when you smile so does the rest of the world!