I See you Staring, and It’s Not Okay

Raising a special needs child who’s special needs are not visible can make parenting a challenge. Really that whole sentence is bull crap and the reason I say it is bull crap is because raising a special needs child is challenging regardless of the physical appearance, level of special needs or anything else you want to compare from one special needs child to any other child. Raising children is a challenge. Period. The end.

I am raising three very different children, sure you can pinpoint a similar trait between them all, if you are around them long enough, but overall, at first glance I bet you see that one child … my middle son who happens to be special needs. You do not notice my other two children who are mingling, smiling, laughing and having a grand ole time, you notice that one child of mine who is having a difficult time transitioning from the pool to the car or from the car to the park. You are seeing that child having a hard time and you look at me. You stare. As if I am the worlds worse parent, why? I honestly cannot answer that question. I do not know why you stare.

Clearly you have never had a bad day. Clearly you have never had a difficult time with something. Clearly you simply just do not have much compassion because staring or glaring or even whispering amongst yourselves is what makes you feel good. The thing about your whispers, stares and glares is that you are damn lucky it doesn’t affect my special needs child. My middle child has autism and his difficult times have no boundaries and no limits, meltdowns can be brought on by something minimal like a deviled egg sliding the wrong on his plate to the chair being tilted slightly, to the number of people around him. My middle child has autism and he doesn’t notice a thing that you do, for he doesn’t care. My middle child may be classified as special needs but I consider him lucky, lucky that he will not bare witness to the cruel ways people will look at him when he’s having a hard time. Lucky that, unlike you, he doesn’t give a damn about you, he only cares about himself and what’s going on in his world. You all that stare could take a lesson from my special needs child, because while he was born with some special needs; he is much more than that. My special needs child is the most honest, loyal and devoted child I have ever met.

In other ways, I feel that my son is not lucky. He will form so many close bonds with people who will be cruel and mean to him. My son will suffer some social awkwardness and yes, you will stare then too. You will stare at him as if he has done lost his mind, because after all, the only thing you see is a ‘normal’ young boy, who looks overall healthy, seems fine and has no physical disability or disinformation to his body that screams out ‘special needs’. I feel the pain he doesn’t feel. I have had to learn to be stronger as a parent, because of him. My son’s siblings have learned to be stronger because of him. My son’s siblings have learned to not stare at others differences, nor judge other people for their differences. Because of special needs child with autism, we have learned to have such a deeper level of compassion, patience and love that you, who are staring at my seven year old son … will ever have.

I say to you, those who stare at something that is appearing to be an unruly child, or a mother who doesn’t know how to parent her child, stop staring. Stop glaring. Stop whispering amongst yourselves. If you have a question about my parenting or my son, ask. I would much rather you ask, let me explain or you just stay the hell out of it. Go on with your marry way and not stare. My son wasn’t bothering you by his crying, was he? My son wasn’t bothering you when I had to restrain him as a means to whack him back down to planet Earth, was he? My son did nothing to you, right? Then stop. Have some compassion and maybe, just maybe, instead of staring at me .. lend a hand. Lend me a hug. Reach out to me.

More often than not, I am holding tears back, just below the surface and one wrong transition, one bad move, one every day situation for my autistic son can pretty much put me on the verge of a full meltdown of tears myself. Stop judging others. Stop thinking you are a better parent than me, because I am the last person who would ever say, think or feel that way about you. Ever.

While I hold back how I feel about your stares, I have learned to put that on the back burner, because in that moment all that matters is that I do what has been taught to me to do when my son is having that type of situation. I have been trained on how to handle my son and one of the biggest things that ensure I handle him properly, is to ensure I ignore your stares. I have to suck it up, to be honest, and not worry about that look I can feel you giving me, that burning sensation of your eyeballs glued onto my son and me. I have to ignore it. Meanwhile, I am breaking down inside. I am hurting. I am struggling, because being a parent to a child with special needs is a challenge. Raising kids is a challenge. We all need to have more compassion for others, parenthood is rough stuff people. Love more, judge less. It takes a village.

The end.

 

 

People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

Thankful for my Patience and Sense of Humor

My daughter is going through what most call the tween years. This is when their hormones are changing and it’s making me try to cycle up with her hormones. In a nutshell, having a daughter in her tween years means that Mother Nature plays this trick on the female who doesn’t have as strong of hormones, maybe it’s my old age so now my body says “look there’s hormones in the air. Let’s sync up” and I am an emotional wreck most days.

I was trying to figure out the other day why my emotions seem off kilter and then it dawned on me, I have two tween girls around. Not only my daughter but the boyfriends daughter and well that makes for me becoming quite the hormonal mess. I not only have to deal with my hormones trying to sync up with two tween girls, but I have to deal with my daughter’s mood flashes that even she hates having. Last night, after a mood flash for absolutely no reason, my daughter said “Mama I don’t know why I do that. I get in this funk for no reason. Then bam I am all set and happy as if that down moment never happened.” I simply replied “it’s called female hormones, welcome to the club” when my daughter promptly replied “I don’t want to be part of that club”.

I laughed. Neither do I sweet daughter. Neither do I.

So this morning when her hair wasn’t cooperating and I could just not get it perfectly right for her, I knew it was all my fault. I control the heavens and the Earth, if her hair has bumps that won’t go straight, if her hair won’t set just the way she wants, it’s all my fault – even if I didn’t touch her hair. That’s just how it goes when a child is trying to deal with the fun club of Female Hormones.

Thankfully I have a lot of patience, a close relationship with my daughter and love because without those and a fantastic sense of humor, most days I would be close to ending up in a looney bin.

It is Friday, right?!

Lack of Sunshine Blues, maybe

The world is closing in. Lonely in a life full of people, kids and animals. Lonely in a world that loves her. She is feeling the Earth sinking in on her, sure money is great. Living paycheck to paycheck really doesn’t bother her, why? Because it could be worse but something is keeping her from being happy right now.

Maybe it’s the change in seasons, the lack of Vitamin D. The lack of sunshine. Maybe she is met to live in a sunshine state, but alas she has kids with dads and she can’t just up and move them across country for that wouldn’t be fair to either of the Dads nor the kids.

The world is great to her on a sunshine day, Summer is spent being overly happy and hyper but now as Winter is nearing, the days are shorter and darkness sets in earlier and earlier – she can’t function. She wants to sleep. The kid isn’t sleeping at night, except in her bed and she just is ready for her non kid weekend.

The non kid weekend brings people, family and catch up on work not completed during the week.She loves working and would lock herself in her office all of the time if the kids could only fend for their own self. Being felt as if there is a boulder on her head isn’t good. This isn’t who she is. What is wrong .. is it the change in seasons taking toll on her now in her older years?

She hopes for some much needed sleep without any disturbances so she can recoup and come back to her happy place and smile again.

Maybe if she puts up a Do Not Disturb sign and shuts off all electronics and phones she can just sleep a bit to recoup over her non kid weekend … maybe sleep will help her to climb back up out of this funk.

Dear Person Who has no Clue

To the person or people out there who want to pretend as if they walk a mile in someone else shoes.

To the person or people out there who seem to know all of the solutions and would rather spew out to you how to live your life than live their own.

To the person or people who, when faced with a friend who has a problem, would much rather find a way to make that problem their own.

To the person or people who have never had to make life changing decisions before.

To the person or people who have had everything handed to them, even if it was on a silver not gold platter.

To the person or people who put their nose in the air when walking by a struggling Mom at the store.

To the person or people in this world who have no clue, I invite you to go home, sit on your couch and just stay there because the world needs less of people or persons like you and more of those with compassion, dedication and love for the human soul.

No matter what walk of life each of us comes from or lives in, we are human and we all deserve compassion, love and respect even if you don’t understand where the other person is coming from with life decisions – who cares – love thy neighbor!

Are Girls Born With This Skill?

Yes I am talking about DRAMA. I don’t even know if this can be considered  a skill but females have this special, unique quality to them that allows them to create a dramatic situation from anything put in their paths. Everything from a broken nail to an event gone wrong. Females seem to be very emotional and dramatic about all life issues and even about life situations that are positive.

It’s like no matter how hard one tries to please a female they are never happy. Do not get me wrong, I am not a dramatic female myself, except during that time of the month, and so I know there are females out there who are down to Earth and have the ability to step back from a situation and view it for what it is rather than create some dramatic situation from it. The majority of females are not able to just chill, it’s like we are born with a skill to be malicious, catty and dramatic. I fear for my daughter and myself some days because this girl is very dramatic, so dramatic that she has been deemed DQ in our household for Drama Queen. We do not call her that often because obviously it isn’t really nice but there are times I can get away with calling her that and other times she will even call herself DQ to new people and I giggle!

It’s so true though, think about it, we have been born with this skill instilled in our brains to be emotional and dramatic over everything. To think I am here trying to relax and be a postiive person but I am constantly fighting the urge to be dramatic about life. Men have it easy, most of them can take  a situation and let it slide off their shoulders, they don’t get all catty and dramatic, they just knock each other out.

As I watch my daughter interact with older females this year in school I find that she is learning that not all girls are nice and that girls will say and do anything to be the “top girl”. It is so sad to me to watch as my daughter gets put into the middle of these dramatic girl fights, so to speak, and comes home in tears having “the worse day ever”. Of course my daughter thinks just getting one or two questions wrong on a math test make the day “horrible” but reality is she is going to be faced with so many dramatic situations due to females and the skill they were born with … dramatization.

I fear for the world she is about to enter, the lovely grade where girls start showing an interest in boys and start chasing each other on the playground. The days when boys pull your hair because they like you and tease you in a mean way because they want to get your attention. I am not ready to watch the drama begin but after 28 years of being placed in dramatic situations myself, I guess I can handle it. Hang on tight everyone I am entering the dramatic days of a motherhood, I think this will require a lot of coffee and late night girl talks but I am ready … bring it on!

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