How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why¬† make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

 How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

The Time I had The Most Blog Traffic

Since blogging is what I do for a living, there are times I revisit my traffic analytics. I like to see when I had the most traffic on my blogs, for what reason and make business decisions on what topics I may address based on the data I collect. With that being said, the one time in all my five years of blogging, that I had the most insane traffic was … during my divorce.

Seriously.

It’s no surprise to me that with today’s hit television series being that of reality based life, with a tad bit of insane drama added in to make the plot a bit more entertaining, that my divorce scenario fed so many interested souls. The funny thing is? My divorce wasn’t really dramatic, my feelings and rationalization of whether it was the best decision or not was a bit to read and follow along with. I can say it wasn’t an easy decision by any means.

But my divorce had no drama.

So what in the world compels people to read about other people’s sorrows? I can get insane traffic during a so-to-speak hardship time in my life but when I am sharing utter happiness and spreading joy, it’s as if I can hear crickets on my blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I still have good traffic stats, I enjoy the readers who stop by to comment or click an ad here and there. I love seeing those in my analytic stats, but I am left wondering …

Sorry you are grounded The Time I had The Most Blog Traffic

What is it that people thrive to read on blogs?

I read blogs. What compels me to continue to read on a site or an article I clicked over to? Is it drama? No, not really. Is it personal stories? Yes, usually. Is it giveaways? Well, duh, I like to win.

What keeps me reading a blog?

The passion behind the words. You know and I know when someone is writing fluff just to get a rise out of someone and gain some traffic to their site to earn some ad revenue and negative exposure to “keep em talking” and in turn, keep that blog running financially. You know and I know when someone is writing from the heart. Words that speak to you. When you read their blog posts, you can just feel their passion in the words and the rhythm that they publish their posts.

Passion is what sells people. I am convinced. It’s not drama, not negative scenarios; it’s plain and simple – passionate bloggers who write during their most emotional time of a situation are what bring readers in.

We are humans, we enjoy feeling something when interacting with others – that goes for reading blogs, talking in person or over the phone.

So there you have it, I am convinced readers keep coming to blogs because they can feel something when reading that person’s blog post, whether good or bad is irrelevant, we simply like to feel that passion & emotion behind the written words.

 The Time I had The Most Blog Traffic

You Made Your Bed, But you Hurt Your Kids

On a somewhat wacko mission to hurt the relationship between a father and his children, a mother took the initiative to say and do bad things in front of her children. The mission of an ex, especially one who made the decision to leave the marriage, to break up a relationship between her children and their father due to her own insecurities and issues is so completely immoral and wrong. The problem is that television reality shows and social media accounts like Facebook seem to breed lack of common sense and good character. Sure you can blame society for the reason many people have started to enjoy drama over peaceful bliss, but in all reality we are human beings not sheep. We have the voice of reason inside of our brains and we have the ability to be better than what society may push upon us; be strong, stand up and be something more than what society portrays as the next big reality show.

Co Parenting Gone Bad You Made Your Bed, But you Hurt Your Kids

I’m a blogger. I love attention. I personally prefer positive attention, but just like my five year old son, some people simply prefer negative attention or any attention they can get. This is fine, as an individual, but when you have become divorced and are to raise children together with your ex amicably so as to not ruin the children …. then that is where you suck it the hell up and grow up, bite your tongue and be the positive influence your children need during this time of confusion. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible to do.

There are many woman out there, men too, that when they get divorced they seem to think it’s best to have the children pick a side. This constant battle of Mom versus Dad is more common when the parental unit has moved onto greener pastures. The ex will say anything he/she can to make it so the children feel obligated to be unhappy at the other parents home and in turn choose to side with the parent mouthing the most flack about the other parent. There are situations where the parent being a wacko and causing a ruckus actually ends up having the pages turned on him/her and then the children choose the more “sane” parent.

In New Hampshire, you are obligated to take a Child Impact Seminar when divorcing, separating or breaking up and have children together. This Child Impact Seminar is slightly messed up in some ways, because just like the NH “pro family” mentality, the Child Impact Seminar simply covers the “how things should go” when co-parenting, rather than covering the major percent of divorcees situations. That means, the Child Impact Seminar can assist those who have a positive mindset to move forward for the benefit of their children, but those who are Drama Kings or Queens won’t benefit from this course at all.

Sadly, with the children who are pushed away from one of the parents leaves that parent to make harsh, tough love type decisions. Always try to work things out without stooping to the other parents level, but if all fails and you are unable to get the children to see that Dad/Mom is happy and that you want them happy with you and their other parent – then you have some tough decisions to make. If you are a parent who has your children half of the time, correcting a wacko parent’s mistakes is easily done. If you are someone who doesn’t have the children half of the time or more often than just a few days a month, then you are going to have an extremely difficult time correcting the methods of your ex spouse.

In times when the ex has made a pretty comfy bed for your children to pretty much disown anything to do with you, yet the children still come to visit because they have no choice but to do so, it’s time to rethink what’s the best to do for the children in the long haul of life. If you have moved on and are in a serious relationship, that maybe also involves children beyond your own, it’s also time to rethink what is best for them. Sadly, when an ex spouse turns your child(ren) against you and all that makes you happy, you have to do whatever is necessary to ensure your sanity. If children don’t see a parent for years because they have decided to protect the evil ex spouse, their other parent, then there is nothing that you can do to change that. A child is only going to see the world and their parents, as the remainder of the world sees them, when they are mature enough to understand life in a whole new light.

So if you are one of those ex spouses who thought it would be totally cool to turn the children against their other parent because you are not mature enough to handle your own insecurities in life, then that makes you pure evil. A child is innocent, and should never, ever have to feel that they cannot be happy for both of their parents and with both of their parents. Do me a favor, now that you have made your bed, lie in it for a while and see for your own self just how much damage you did to your children. Then, take a moment and look in the mirror – do you see a good person or a downright evil person? If you still can see a good person and think all of the crap you put your kids through was okay, then you may just be more messed up than anyone else ever thought you to be.

Moral of the story is this; just because a marriage failed does not mean co-parenting has to fail!

“Image courtesy of smarnad/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Suck it Up and Grow Up – it’s Really That Simple

I had this vision in my head of what I would be as a co-parent to another person’s child. How I would handle being that “other parent” figure in their life. All of those visions appeared to be with little conflict and two mothers working together in a sense for the positive well being of their child. The issue is that I have been told on more than one occasion that I have a rare personality type. My co-parents and I get along fine. We don’t always agree, heck sometimes we probably don’t like each other but we do not ever allow our children to bear witness to that.

Co Parenting Drama Suck it Up and Grow Up   its Really That Simple

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

One of the biggest things that New Hampshire stresses, being that they are a PRO FAMILY state, is to work together. Overcome the reasons you are not together. Get over it. See for me, I was cheated on and well even to this day this particular ex swears he never cheated, I had proof and the girl he cheated with even spoke with me kindly about it. It took me a couple years to fully get over it but never did I place our daughter in the middle of my own personal feelings. Granted, there were situations I could have handled better but our daughter was never placed in the middle whereas I would threaten her to not see her Dad over my own personal issues with our break up over ten years ago.

Happy Parents, whether together or apart, make happy children. Every. Single. Time.

Thankfully with my ex husband and I there really wasn’t a huge drama fest. Neither of us cheated. Neither of us did anything wrong to each other. All too often its’ difficult to explain why we got divorced other than that we are great friends but two people who when living together and actually trying to have a relationship – don’t work. This makes co-parenting our boys super easy usually because we have a respect for each other. There is no drama and if he wants to take the boys extra so be it. It’s all about giving and taking.

I figured that when I met another man that he would have some established relationship with his ex, to the point that we all could get along and be civil. I would do what most co-parenting sites advise you to do; introduce yourself to the Mom of the children and talk kindly. Eliminate that motherly threat some feel about you taking “their spot” in their child’s life. That isn’t what moving on is about. Co-parenting isn’t about being competitive, who is better than the other.

I get that we are wired to be so damn competitive, but give it up when it comes to the kids. You don’t like your ex, they don’t like you. Who gives a crap. You had a child together so to me it’s pretty simple, grow up, suck it up and work together to compromise. The issue is that some parents just want that meal ticket a child provides to them, I have seen this very often. All too often. What’s even more sad is when the child doesn’t see it, at least right away. One thing that NH pushes in their Child Impact Seminar is that “you are not to put your ex down to your child, that is THEIR parent and THEY LOVE THEM. They have a right to LOVE both parents. If that other parent has a true flaw that screws with the children, those children will eventually see their own truth behind who their parents are.” The sad thing is that this can take well into adulthood before a child realizes what kind of parent they had.

When it comes to co-parenting on one is “right” except the children who need to be given a chance to grow as CHILDREN

All you can do is co-parent to the best of your abilities and stay positive because without that, what do you have? Working with a hostile, bitter, unhappy co-parent isn’t easy, but then again neither is parenting. So do your best to ensure that you are abiding by what you feel to be morally correct and move forward. Eventually the path will lead in the best-for-the-kids direction! Thank God my children do not have to deal with drama, for one – my body cannot handle drama, I literally get sick to my stomach with pains and can’t function properly and for two when co-parenting is a positive experience the children benefit fully from both parents and step parents in each household.

Spread the love, not the hate. Show your children what it means to be a respectful adult, so that they can grow up to be respectful adults too!

 Suck it Up and Grow Up   its Really That Simple

Teaching Kids that Mom Needs Time but Still Loves You

It’s easy for my kids to understand that Mama needs time away but still loves them. Why? Because they have lived it their whole lives. Take my daughter, for example, her Dad and I have been co-parenting in separate households since she was four months of age. This type of co-parenting situation has been her norm for many, many years and she accepts that this is how it is until she reaches an age of being able to make some visitation decisions on her own. My daughter has had a balance even with co-parenting visits all of her life so she understands that Mama needs time away too, and still loves her.

My son’s have learned through different aspects, even when I was married and living with my ex husband after our divorce, I would often take advantage of time away from the chaos of raising two hyper boys and enjoy peace and quiet alone. This is normal for every parent and because I took advantage of this from day one with my children, all three of them, they have an appreciation for what they need to ensure they stay on a happy path of being their own self and loving life.

In raising my kids to have time away from their parents they have learned that just because Mom or Dad isn’t around doesn’t mean they don’t love them. My kids know they are loved and never question that, well there may be times but I cannot get into that online. My kids know that no matter what they do, no matter how far away their parents are, that they will see them on whichever day it is to visit the other parent and that they are loved whether together or apart from said parent.

I think every child needs to feel this security but sadly with co-parenting that is not always the case, especially if the parents tried to shelter the kids from divorce as a means to protect them. Kids need to learn what the real world is all about, that it isn’t all candy and sunshine. That hard times can fall upon people, it is how those people work to move forward from it that can teach our children of the world how to properly move forward or to lead an adult life as a messed up adult thinking that everything should always be fine.

I would much rather watch children struggle through hard times than be sheltered, living in a bubble only to be tossed out to the wolves when they become adults. Let’s work together to teach our children that they loved even when you are away from them. Teach our children of the world the security to feel loved when all alone. That is how you build a secure child which leads to a secure adult more often than not.

 Teaching Kids that Mom Needs Time but Still Loves You

A Family Doesn’t Mean Blood Bond, It’s More than That

Think about a child you know who has a person they call Mom or Dad who isn’t their blood related Mom or Dad. How about that person you call Grampa but isn’t your blood relative? That’s me. Well the Grampa part. The person I call Grampa on my mom’s side of the family is the person I grew up to call Grampa he was and still is Grampa in every sense of the word, but he was my Gram’s second husband and since I was about 14 years old or so, her ex husband. My Grampa is still a huge part of my life, sadly he gives me crap about not stopping in to visit as often as I should, he only lives down the road really. When my Gram and Grampa went through divorce, something I obviously don’t remember as I was young and that’s adult stuff that kids don’t need to deal with, I ended up still continuing a relationship with my Grampa. From trips to Maine when he lived there to trips to his house he rented here in the town I live in. I loved spending time with my Grampa and even consider all those who are his blood family to be my relatives too, they are truly a part of my family.

When people who are not blood related to you fall apart due to a divorce, creating a situation where they are not longer a legal extension of your blood family yet they still stand by your side and consider you family, love you with all of their hearts and are there for you, that means the world more than anything else. Knowing that I am loved and have an extensive family, full of loving people who are both blood and non-blood related just makes me smile. My Grampa has four children, they have children and my Grampa has siblings too; all of which I refer to as my aunts, uncles, cousins and great aunts and great uncles, what have you. I never say “well used to be cousin”, who does that? Once people have been accepted into your life as your true family, that is simply how it stays. A true bond that cannot be broken unless something extraordinary happens that breaks that bond. In my case, the bond is still going strong.

It is always evident how strong that bond is during my daughter’s various extra curricular activities and I run into my Great Aunt who has a grand daughter about the age of my daughter. The girls always seem to end up in something together through out the year, even though they go to different schools. It’s so much fun to know that not only is my Great Aunt there to witness her own granddaughter, but that she also gets to see how big my daughter is now. It saddens me that I don’t make enough time for some of my family, both blood and non blood related but with Winter being over and the boys getting older, I plan to make a change to start visiting them more often and truly making my complete family more important.

After all, the bonds I have are such that I hope to allow my children to experience too, in their own way.

 A Family Doesnt Mean Blood Bond, Its More than That