Online Dating Can Work, If you are Patient & Picky

I never really felt that online dating would work for more than anything but a fling, a fun fling and part time relationship maybe but all that aside, I never believed one could find true love on such a site. My experiences with online dating sites were pretty much all of that; finding people who wanted flings, friends with benefits, a commitment to them but not to me or even worse yet, people who swore we were meant to be together but really were not my type. It took a lot of trial and errors on my part before I finally met a man I never thought I would have met.

I had a profile on a variety of free dating sites, I even had  a profile on Match.com for free but soon realized that their free version doesn’t allow you to properly communicate with others in a way to get to know them. I decided that I would suck it up and pay for a one month subscription to Match.com and if no one interesting was found after that month I would simply cancel, but if I found anyone worthy of my time, I would pay more to continue communicating with them. It didn’t take more than a month, granted I was on their free profile version for a long time before upgrading to the paid version. I found a few select men who seemed interesting to me; the height was good, their likes were somewhat similar but every man had this like listed that wasn’t something I could ever see myself being “crazy” about. For instance, one man loved snowmobiling, I hate Winter. That wouldn’t ever work long term. Not for me anyways because I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed every season and near every activity together. I don’t mind having guy time and girl time, but I didn’t want to be with someone who’s main passion was something I could never enjoy with them.

Found my True Love Online Dating Can Work, If you are Patient & PickyThen it happened, a picture of a man, a cute man with a guitar. Something about him just made me want to learn more. Behind his eyes, his smile and of course holding a guitar just makes me swoon. I love guitar players, just something about having a musical talent is attractive to me, it could have been drums but in all honesty I associate drums with more of a rocker, crazy dude that wants to party, I don’t know why. Don’t judge me, that’s just my opinion of seeing a person who plays drums … I think of Animal from The Muppets. Every. Single. Time.

I documented the complete story of this man I met up with eventually and I cannot wait to share our story but for now I am reaching out to those who may be single, thinking that there is just no one out there for them. For me, all it took was saying “I am going to pay for this one month & if no one peaks my interest, I will cancel membership and be fine just being alone until the right person hops into my life”. Once I had that attitude, that is when the right-for-me person came into my life. We met for coffee and never stopped talking and seeing each other. It just made complete sense. When we hug, it’s as if I feel complete, a “sigh” almost comes about me and it’s so relaxing .. with just a hug!

It took me one failed marriage, although I can’t say “failed” per say as we have two amazing boys and my ex husband is close to my best friend as far as I am concerned, but we are divorced and have been since May 2009 or something like that. It took many failed relationships, and me feeling so low as if I was meant to just be a single Mom for me to find my man. It took me being fine with being alone, knowing that my children would be happiest if I am happiest. I no longer sulked about not having a man, I took time off from sex to ensure when I found that man I wouldn’t get lust confused for love. I did all of the steps to ensure I was 100% confident that when I did find a man, it would be for all the right reasons.

I firmly believe that if you can get into an honest, felt through the heart mindset that you are okay alone and that you do not need a partner in life then you will have that right-for-you person fall into your lap. My boyfriend and I think this very much so and I recently heard him advising his younger brother this same thought, why? Because my boyfriend and I fell into each others lives when we both were in that place; we both had come to the realization that being alone wasn’t all that bad and had accepted that we may be single forever. Some magic happened, be it God, be it coincidence, I don’t know, but we met and it just works. We balance each other so well.

I want that feeling for everyone out there, it’s the best feeling in the whole wide world. I know you can find it, just stop searching for it. Let true love “just happen” because that is how it’s suppose to be, forcing something for the wrong reasons with the wrong person will only cause more heartbreak and frustrations.

 

 Online Dating Can Work, If you are Patient & Picky

I Couldn’t Have Asked for a Better Partner

PicsArt 1364070605242 225x300 I Couldnt Have Asked for a Better PartnerI call the boyfriend, my partner, and when I refer to him as my boyfriend he asks “hey when did I downgrade from partner to boyfriend?” I giggle because honestly it was just a word and I didn’t think too much of it until he made this point. A partner is a word that you hold as a higher standard, I can only assume and a boyfriend or girlfriend is not as strong of a word. Other words can be used are “my love” “my life” “my world” but partner makes it sound as if you and that special person are a team and that truly is what we are.

I am shocked at times about how well we work together. Don’t get me wrong with our high stress count these days I have already let him know he may hate me but just hang onto why he likes me at this point. There is a lot on my shoulders, as are with his, but we are getting through it and coming out shining. After all, that is the only way I roll. icon wink I Couldnt Have Asked for a Better Partner

To back track a bit, the other day my lovely man came into a house with me attempting to keep my six year old in a time out, my daughter telling me “why can’t you make that kid shut up, I have a headache” and my youngest running all around being his normal hyper self. Most men would have walked back out that door, I honestly am not a man and would have run for the hills. He never runs. Not my partner, he stands by me and helps in any way he can. Granted, at this point, it’s me dealing with my children especially in a time out situation or what not, but he does help by not having any issues with doing the dishes for me when he only has about half hour or so to get ready for his next appointment after working all day.

My partner in life, he is an amazing man and I am not only happy to have him but I feel truly blessed to have met him on Match.com because I honestly never thought online dating sites would get me further than they had in the past. Who would have known that nearly six months ago when I walked away from the idea of dating sites that I would find “him” before I cancelled my membership.

 I Couldnt Have Asked for a Better Partner

More than Just Personality Matters When Dating #dating #singleparents #onlinedating

Years and years ago when I met the person I ended up marrying, I was in a different mindset. I was a different person in general. So was he. Now, today, as I have sat back and engaged in conversations as well as meeting up for coffee or what not, I have realized that dating is not what it used to be to me. No longer do I feel that need of “oh my gosh I NEED A MAN”, nor can I just sit back and be comfortable with a man who can hold a fantastic conversation with me. For me, there needs to be a whole packaged deal – personality, communication, ability to be a family person and physical attraction. All of those things are very important to me and I flat out refuse to ever go without any of them, maybe you can go without some, but those are my special traits that are important, among a few others.

If you are a single parent looking to get out into the dating world there is so many things to think about before you meet a random online dating person. These days, with the Internet and online dating sites, the person you are speaking to could be anyone. They could be completely opposite from what they have portrayed to be online, both on their profile and in conversations with you. Do not give out your phone number too soon. Do not give out your email too soon. Do not do anything you are not feeling 100% comfortable with. Getting a background check completed on a potential online dating interest may be best too, in all honesty, but may not be feasible for all.

If you are a single parent looking to date and find that “right for you person” then you not only have your best interest at heart, but you have your children(s) interest at heart too. There may be times during your dating days when you meet the most amazing person but they just do not mesh well with your family life, meaning with the kid(s) and you. If that person you are highly interested in does not fit well with the kids then, no matter how hard this decision will be, you will have to double think whether the person you are highly interested in is a great fit for your life as a whole. I am not saying let the kid(s) rule your life, but this is reality and if your life revolves a lot around being a parent, but that person is not on par with the parent side of life or does not parent remotely close to the way you do, then it will eventually be a failed attempt at having a relationship.

Like my best friend always told me, never waste your time or their time. To me, I never understood when she would say she didn’t want to waste the time of her own self or another person for various  reasons when it came to her dating ventures. I also remember laughing, thinking “oh my gosh, this girl is so funny and crazy”. I seriously thought that my best friend was wasting her time with dating because, after all, she wasn’t doing what I had done in the past {with failed relationships} – changing who she is, how she lives or clinging to the wrong man just to be with someone, she was doing it the right way. Now that I have found myself completely comfortable with being single, I totally 100% get where she was coming from and have to laugh at myself for thinking she was a bit crazy. Shhh don’t tell her.

Dating is serious business, it’s like having another job, so if you are not ready to take dating seriously then that’s fine, but if you are ready to take dating seriously please remember to hold your ground, compromise when compromising is okay and pick that “right for you” person, do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. The choice of person you make is  going to be a part of your life, hopefully forever, so make that decision with a knowledge of who you are, what you need and if they meet all of the criteria you have set for your “needs” in another person.  Sure that may mean many years of random dates with the wrong person and being single for many years, but if you hold tight and be patient, one day that “right for you” person will walk into your life and make you realize why you held out for so long.

Good luck with your ventures in online dating, I will keep sharing thoughts, tips and advice based on my dating ventures from time to time with you all and eventually share that “meeting my true love” story when the time comes. Hang on for this ride, it’s going to be an adventure!

 More than Just Personality Matters When Dating #dating #singleparents #onlinedating

My Previous Attempts at Dating

having a Period Sucks My Previous Attempts at DatingI have dated before, they lasted about three months. I met this one guy and he was super cool, we had a grand time hanging out and it was fun while it lasted. The guy wanted to move in way too fast for me, he wasn’t a father of his own children and well he also drank a lot. When I am around alcohol too often I will drink too often, it’s simply something I am aware of about myself ever since I got my DWI when I was 18 years old. Drinking is fun, I love to drink, however, there is a time and place for it. I have zero interest in drinking all night long to wake up and attempt to work while also taking care of my children; it’s just not a good scenario and reminds me of the book “Best Kept Secret” where the Mom had a drinking problem but she drank all of the time.  Another issue with this dating experience was that he had no children of his own; I do not care who you are but if you have never had your own children then you sometimes fail in the parental advice category. It seems, from my experience, that if you have never had your own child that you are full of all the “what I would do” scenarios and answers but honestly, again from experience, your mind is totally different after you have given birth or are raising your own children. That dating experience was a fail but we are still somewhat friends, rather acquaintances.

Then there were other people who I had met and it went no where. It seems men are either too far away and over look certain things that they really had on their list of “no nos” just for me which means it never works out or men just disappear.. I also disappear too. I think back to one dating experience and this guy and I never really talked about anything really important. I didn’t know a whole lot about him yet I adored him. I didn’t know exactly how long he had been single, hell I didn’t even know many if any of his hobbies, things that maybe made him “tick”. Yet with other men I have known within just hours of  a conversation every single detail about them.

After a few failed attempts at dating that idea went out the window and eventually wasn’t even a though in my mind. Sure I got lonely and I longed to have a conversation with someone other than my children but dating just seemed like it would take too much effort. So from meeting men who are jealous and possessive as well as looney in wanting to move in too quickly to meeting those who latch onto me with false hopes of something being more; I have met them all and now am just ready for that special someone to fall into my world and make it complete some day….

 

 My Previous Attempts at Dating

Plenty of Fish vs Match.com In my Experience

When I first decided that I would put myself out there on a dating site, I went with the free one, PlentyofFish.com. I have used this website in past years without much success, but figure maybe I will give it a shot this time. One thing I have learned from my long-term single friends was that you should not waste your time engaging in a conversation with someone who isn’t even the right fit for you. Basically, why spend time getting to know someone, for example, that wants to have children some day if you do not want to ever have children {or more children}. That is a waste of their time and yours.

Since PlentyofFish.com is free, I figured what the heck. Let’s give this a try and see what I see. So far I have only seen a bunch of people who 1) don’t match what I would even think about settling down with 2) are locals who I’ve known a long time & enjoy just friendship with them & 3) POF seems to attract people who are simply looking for a piece of ass.  My replies to this are; I do not need the internet dating site POF to find sex, I can find that if I really wanted it randomly anywhere outside my home.  Random conversations that seemed somewhat interesting on POF turned into dead air when we ran out of interesting topics. Then other conversations ended before they even began because they were completely inappropriate for me.

Match.com was my other choice for a dating site, I have heard great things about this site and I would only assume since you have to actually pay to do much more than wink at the person on the site, maybe – just maybe – there is someone out there seeking a more serious “get to know each other” situation. I decided to pay for a one month time period only on Match.com.  This is about $30, more money than I should spend, but hey I rarely spend money on myself and figured I deserved to give myself one month of seriously seeking new people.

Since Match.com is a paid site it seems I am watching as more suitable people contact me, do not get me wrong there are still those dead air conversations, those people simply seeking a piece of ass, but more importantly there are more of those who are seeking a real long term commitment to the right person. That is the key phrase “right person”, Match.com seems to have a wide range of people who are seriously wanting that “perfect for them partner in life” and that my friends is what I would ultimately enjoy having.  Match.com may not have a huge range of men that I drool over or are highly interested in, but they do have a couple that seemed interesting.

300x250 1 2 Plenty of Fish vs Match.com In my Experience Plenty of Fish vs Match.com In my Experience

Basically in a nutshell, if someone were to ask me if I recommend a free dating site over a paid dating site; I would honestly have to tell them to try to invest time and at least one month payment into the paid dating site. I would also recommend simply setting up a free profile first on the paid dating site, that way they can surf and look around without having wasted money if no one on that site seems interesting at all.

**the dating experiences on the websites noted are based on my own experiences, obviously not everyone will have the same experiences I am having or have had.

 Plenty of Fish vs Match.com In my Experience

The Big No-No’s in Online Dating

I tend to be pretty laid back, I can get along with anyone, I can flirt with anyone, and I can seriously go out and have a blast with just about anyone.  There are few things that bother me, or so I thought, in the opposite sex, but now that I’ve put myself out there as being single and am on a couple dating sites; I have found some shit that bugs me. I just have to share some of my new found “no no’s” to online dating …

The No NOs to Online Dating The Big No Nos in Online Dating

If You have Time to Message Me and Get Angry that I didn’t reply within  10 minuteswell then you clearly have more time on your hands and clearly have not a life of your own.

From previous mistakes with relationships, I have learned that if another person has enough time on their hands to get angry about lack in a quick reply, then they have no life of their own. If this person has no life of their own what is it that they can offer me? Not much. I do not need someone who has no passion in life nor none of their own things to keep them busy – let’s say maybe a job? So if someone gets mad that I am not messaging them quick enough, and then proceeds to show me anger in messages over my lack in quick reply – well then they are not going to hear from me. Anger over lack in quick reply translates to anger in other areas in life.

If you Call me a Whore, Tell me to Bend over, or any other rude message as a first or any future contact- well then you clearly do not know how to treat a woman

I can not make this crap up, calling me a whore for having a full body pic, seriously – it’s a fully clothed, no cleavage showing full body pic. That makes me a whore? I was floored at that random message. Clearly someone who has to tell a woman negative things, wishes to get a rise out of a woman for their own attention needs. I won’t give that attention back.  These days I refuse to believe that men or woman must setup a dating site to get laid, if that is the case then you surely are not the one for me.

Having No Profile Picture – not being superficial but seeing ones face is best when dealing with online dating, even if it’s not really your own face

I totally get that one can have a fake photo online, it’s easily done, but at least have some picture on your profile. I do not reply to non-picture profiles and certainly am not going to reply and give you my email address to email me a picture. If you can’t put your face on a dating profile, then there is clearly something going on that I want no part of.

No MOre Kids The Big No Nos in Online Dating

Height, Having Kids, Wanting Kids – people please pay attention to the person who you are about to write to.

For me, the man has to be taller than me. I am not one who wishes to be taller than my man. I would feel like I was towering over him and I like a manly man, a tall manly man.  I have listed a height range on all profiles and yet people below that height always message.

I clearly do not want to have any more kids but if I were to meet someone who had kids of their own, well that is perfect. I would gladly accept and love a partners child(ren). I just do not want to have anymore of my own. Which again, is clearly stated, but for some reason men do not glance to see that and those who want more kids or want kids at all still message me. We clearly are not a fit there, so why waste my time and yours?

Stresses in Online Dating The Big No Nos in Online Dating

Shake My Head and Grit My Teeth

For me, it’s so hard not to reply to some of the rude, dumb messages I get on these dating sites, and I am even talking about a paid dating site, people just baffle me. Why pay for a dating site if you are mainly seeking to get into a woman’s pants? Geesh people, there are free sites for that or maybe the bar downtown? I don’t know, couldn’t imagine paying for a site to meet woman just for sex, but to each their own I suppose.

I really want to reply to some of the negative messages I get, after all I am a writer and in me I seek to have this long drawn out response calling these men out and if I were doing the same thing, “hey baby I like what I see, want to get together and bang?” I would expect someone to tell me how it is too. The issue is then you get into this big go around and each of you wants the last word, wasting the time of both of you. So I simply delete the message or block the person depending upon how awful the message was.

This is certainly a journey but so far I have learned through past mistakes a couple of things;

  1. Do not settle for anything less than what you need, want and deserve.
  2. Do not bring a love interest around your kids too soon, for they may get attached and you do not which can lead to heart break.

Wish me luck .. I feel like a fish in water with an alligator about to bite off my head or something like that…at least I am having a good sense of humor about it.

Image Sources (in order of appearance)

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Vlado/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net