People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

I Couldn’t Have Asked for a Better Partner

PicsArt_1364070605242I call the boyfriend, my partner, and when I refer to him as my boyfriend he asks “hey when did I downgrade from partner to boyfriend?” I giggle because honestly it was just a word and I didn’t think too much of it until he made this point. A partner is a word that you hold as a higher standard, I can only assume and a boyfriend or girlfriend is not as strong of a word. Other words can be used are “my love” “my life” “my world” but partner makes it sound as if you and that special person are a team and that truly is what we are.

I am shocked at times about how well we work together. Don’t get me wrong with our high stress count these days I have already let him know he may hate me but just hang onto why he likes me at this point. There is a lot on my shoulders, as are with his, but we are getting through it and coming out shining. After all, that is the only way I roll. ;-)

To back track a bit, the other day my lovely man came into a house with me attempting to keep my six year old in a time out, my daughter telling me “why can’t you make that kid shut up, I have a headache” and my youngest running all around being his normal hyper self. Most men would have walked back out that door, I honestly am not a man and would have run for the hills. He never runs. Not my partner, he stands by me and helps in any way he can. Granted, at this point, it’s me dealing with my children especially in a time out situation or what not, but he does help by not having any issues with doing the dishes for me when he only has about half hour or so to get ready for his next appointment after working all day.

My partner in life, he is an amazing man and I am not only happy to have him but I feel truly blessed to have met him on Match.com because I honestly never thought online dating sites would get me further than they had in the past. Who would have known that nearly six months ago when I walked away from the idea of dating sites that I would find “him” before I cancelled my membership.

Not Asking to Agree With me, Just Be There

I think with my past personality and my occasional head higher than it should be moments, many who were in my life on a more regular basis seem to confuse the fact that I am simply confident in my opinions with the idea that I want them to fit a certain mold, or always agree with me. I have zero interest in having a clone of me, I like to think I am unique. Heck I don’t even want my kids to be like me. I simply give them resources, tools, advice and ways to communicate and think on their own so that in turn they become their own unique, individual person. In all honesty, that is how friendships, parents and children should be.

I missed out on a lot of what my daughter already has from me in her life. A person who will be quiet when needed and not lend advice, opinions or anything into conversations that were simply meant for her to get crap out of her mind. It’s funny, for some reason I am so in sync with kids that I know when to listen and when to open mouth for advice or feedback on situations. I am just good at parenting, it’s about the only freaking thing in my life I have been confident in doing right.

Me and Mom

My Mama and me

I have this balance in my world and so many who knew me way back when don’t dare give me a solid chance it seems and well they are the ones missing out. No matter what negative I have been through with anyone, family included, my heart is open and I firmly believe that forgiveness heals all wounds. It’s okay to forgive, but you do need to remember somewhat, that helps for you to remember the signs of when crap is hitting the fan again. You see, you don’t want to repeat past mistakes in trusting people to be part of your life. BUT giving a second chance to rebuild a relationship that is important to you, may be worth your time and effort.

I personally hope to have a relationship with my Mom. I love her so much and I used to have all of these grudges against her. I was an angry woman for many years and even now that I have moved on and forgiven or understood why she is who she is or understood decisions she has made … I still struggle with getting close to her. I do hope that can change, and once I get settled into a new place I plan to work on that, however, it is a two way street.

Remember that just because you want a relationship to be there does not mean that you are the only one who works on it, as with friendships, love life and family – any relationship takes two people trying with open arms and an open heart. I love my Mom and can only hope that we get to a place that we have only had once in awhile most of my life. My Mom loves me, I know this, so do not think she doesn’t. It’s just that for some reason my Mom and I have struggled often to hold onto a relationship of mother/daughter but that doesn’t mean we never will have it! <3

More than Just Personality Matters When Dating #dating #singleparents #onlinedating

Years and years ago when I met the person I ended up marrying, I was in a different mindset. I was a different person in general. So was he. Now, today, as I have sat back and engaged in conversations as well as meeting up for coffee or what not, I have realized that dating is not what it used to be to me. No longer do I feel that need of “oh my gosh I NEED A MAN”, nor can I just sit back and be comfortable with a man who can hold a fantastic conversation with me. For me, there needs to be a whole packaged deal – personality, communication, ability to be a family person and physical attraction. All of those things are very important to me and I flat out refuse to ever go without any of them, maybe you can go without some, but those are my special traits that are important, among a few others.

If you are a single parent looking to get out into the dating world there is so many things to think about before you meet a random online dating person. These days, with the Internet and online dating sites, the person you are speaking to could be anyone. They could be completely opposite from what they have portrayed to be online, both on their profile and in conversations with you. Do not give out your phone number too soon. Do not give out your email too soon. Do not do anything you are not feeling 100% comfortable with. Getting a background check completed on a potential online dating interest may be best too, in all honesty, but may not be feasible for all.

If you are a single parent looking to date and find that “right for you person” then you not only have your best interest at heart, but you have your children(s) interest at heart too. There may be times during your dating days when you meet the most amazing person but they just do not mesh well with your family life, meaning with the kid(s) and you. If that person you are highly interested in does not fit well with the kids then, no matter how hard this decision will be, you will have to double think whether the person you are highly interested in is a great fit for your life as a whole. I am not saying let the kid(s) rule your life, but this is reality and if your life revolves a lot around being a parent, but that person is not on par with the parent side of life or does not parent remotely close to the way you do, then it will eventually be a failed attempt at having a relationship.

Like my best friend always told me, never waste your time or their time. To me, I never understood when she would say she didn’t want to waste the time of her own self or another person for various  reasons when it came to her dating ventures. I also remember laughing, thinking “oh my gosh, this girl is so funny and crazy”. I seriously thought that my best friend was wasting her time with dating because, after all, she wasn’t doing what I had done in the past {with failed relationships} – changing who she is, how she lives or clinging to the wrong man just to be with someone, she was doing it the right way. Now that I have found myself completely comfortable with being single, I totally 100% get where she was coming from and have to laugh at myself for thinking she was a bit crazy. Shhh don’t tell her.

Dating is serious business, it’s like having another job, so if you are not ready to take dating seriously then that’s fine, but if you are ready to take dating seriously please remember to hold your ground, compromise when compromising is okay and pick that “right for you” person, do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. The choice of person you make is  going to be a part of your life, hopefully forever, so make that decision with a knowledge of who you are, what you need and if they meet all of the criteria you have set for your “needs” in another person.  Sure that may mean many years of random dates with the wrong person and being single for many years, but if you hold tight and be patient, one day that “right for you” person will walk into your life and make you realize why you held out for so long.

Good luck with your ventures in online dating, I will keep sharing thoughts, tips and advice based on my dating ventures from time to time with you all and eventually share that “meeting my true love” story when the time comes. Hang on for this ride, it’s going to be an adventure!

My Previous Attempts at Dating

having a Period SucksI have dated before, they lasted about three months. I met this one guy and he was super cool, we had a grand time hanging out and it was fun while it lasted. The guy wanted to move in way too fast for me, he wasn’t a father of his own children and well he also drank a lot. When I am around alcohol too often I will drink too often, it’s simply something I am aware of about myself ever since I got my DWI when I was 18 years old. Drinking is fun, I love to drink, however, there is a time and place for it. I have zero interest in drinking all night long to wake up and attempt to work while also taking care of my children; it’s just not a good scenario and reminds me of the book “Best Kept Secret” where the Mom had a drinking problem but she drank all of the time.  Another issue with this dating experience was that he had no children of his own; I do not care who you are but if you have never had your own children then you sometimes fail in the parental advice category. It seems, from my experience, that if you have never had your own child that you are full of all the “what I would do” scenarios and answers but honestly, again from experience, your mind is totally different after you have given birth or are raising your own children. That dating experience was a fail but we are still somewhat friends, rather acquaintances.

Then there were other people who I had met and it went no where. It seems men are either too far away and over look certain things that they really had on their list of “no nos” just for me which means it never works out or men just disappear.. I also disappear too. I think back to one dating experience and this guy and I never really talked about anything really important. I didn’t know a whole lot about him yet I adored him. I didn’t know exactly how long he had been single, hell I didn’t even know many if any of his hobbies, things that maybe made him “tick”. Yet with other men I have known within just hours of  a conversation every single detail about them.

After a few failed attempts at dating that idea went out the window and eventually wasn’t even a though in my mind. Sure I got lonely and I longed to have a conversation with someone other than my children but dating just seemed like it would take too much effort. So from meeting men who are jealous and possessive as well as looney in wanting to move in too quickly to meeting those who latch onto me with false hopes of something being more; I have met them all and now am just ready for that special someone to fall into my world and make it complete some day….

 

Let the Online Dating Adventures Begin

I decided to vlog today a bit about my experiences with these people on the couple online dating sites I have placed my profile on. It’s so amusing, but at the same time I really hope females around here are not truly meeting up with some of these sexaholic idiots.

Now I normally would not be name calling, but honestly people there are some true characters out there online. Do people really need an online dating profile to get a piece of ass? I mean, seriously? Just hop over to the bar find a drunk chick that is lonely and wants a piece of your ass. Do not waste the time of those serious people online that are seeking real dating material.

I am not desperately seeking a relationship. I am just putting myself out there to see what I see, because I do not get out often enough in places that would allow me to meet more people who are at a similar place in life as I am.