Excuse me, Do I have “Hit on me” Written on My head?

Okay so I am pretty outspoken, flirtatious and well a very passionate person. I mean no harm when I am like this, obviously I am not going to go hit on some married dude, nor do I really go out of my way to flit with men. The problem that makes females look at me oddly is that my personality is super bubbly most times and that type of personality, at least with me, comes off wrong, completely 100% wrong when speaking to the opposite sex.

It’s funny because I recall when traveling to an event that I had to remind some males that I am not hitting on them if I brush my hand on their arm or tap their shoulder or even give them a hug. I am not really that type of person to really think that because I just hugged you we have to go have sex now. I mean seriously, we are living in reality right?

I get it, I do love flirting with people and if they flirt with me I am bound to flirt back, but that’s it. I have boundaries and even though I am very deprived in the affection area I am not desperate.  Even when totally 100% drunk off my butt, I still won’t give it up so to speak unless obviously I was planning on doing that in the first place. LOL

In all reality I have kids and I have a business to run, I don’t have room to go off running around with men. I have little interest in being with any man because I have too much to deal with without thinking about a relationship. I need my life in order before any major relationship issues are handled or even figured out.

Right now … I just am getting really sick of the idea that men seem to think I have “hit on me” written on my forehead, I guess when I am 80 I will miss these days of men thinking I am hot in Pajamas, no make up and hair a mess, but right now I just don’t have time for the pick up lines – been there done that.

That Almost Breaking Point

Do you ever get to that point where you feel as if you will simply break if one more thing gets tossed at you? I feel that way about my personal life all too often. The living situation I am in plays a toll on me because I am suppose to be focusing on simply raising the boys, getting through this tough time that is going on with my five year old and then from there start figuring out my own personal life.

The issue I have is that I can’t live with someone and yet still essentially be on my own. This means I throw my head into work, I dive head first into work so much that I can’t think of anything else I would rather do. I would rather find a mommy helper so I can work a few FULL days during the week. I don’t want to play because my “mommy brain” is just not creative.

This is no good for the kids, the whole point in how I am living right now is to make things easier on my children yet when I am almost to that breaking point and need to start doing reality checks .. is that really that good for my kids?

I am big on if you are happy as a parent then you will have happy children, my daughter has always been living proof of that, however, ever since I got divorced my situation has been so back and forth and up and down that I forget who I am and what is important to me as an individual. I have been too busy being mom, being “friend” and trying to make this situation work that I have lost me in the whole thing. I can’t live like this and I am ready to put down some ultimatums .. and I have never done that before in my life so this will require me to have a back bone and say what I mean, mean what I say.

Needing some positive thoughts, strength and determination shared by you all for me because I am having trouble finding my own.

Looking for a Pug or Puggle or Dog for Family

So I don’t want a huge dog, I don’t really know if I am ready for a medium dog either, although honestly I really would love for my kids to some day have a Golden Retriever as that is what I grew up with. Then we had Dobermans, love them too!

Right now, I realize how HUGE of a commitment having a dog is and I am trying to think this through and figure out the best breed or if I can even get a dog at all right now.

I thought about aopting a dog, but honestly its more expensive half of the time to do that than to look on Craigslist honestly and I don’t want to pay a huge fee, I just want to provide love and an addition to our family.

I don’t know … so I am curious – what type of breed of a smaller dog such as a Pug or Beagle size would work well for a family with three active children? I also want it to be a companion to me when the kids are busy…. looking forward to hearing tips/advice, etc. I took care of my mom’s English Mastiffs for a month and have had dogs so I do get the responsibility and $$ factor of vet bills .. just asking about breeds!

This entry was posted in Random.

I Just Want Conversation

So my Gram shows up yesterday and I swear my heart starting jumping because I see an adult pulling into my driveway. For you parents who work at home and are with kids 24/7 you understand what the sign of an adult pulling into your driveway feels like! Hell even the UPS and FedEx guys make me giddy for a short conversation with an adult.

Seriously .. I think I need a night life. Oh wait, too busy working & raising kids!

Anyways, I do get out of the house like once a month. Does that count? And usually it’s not to do a whole lot maybe movies or wait, actually, grocery shop?! Yeah … I would kill for a regular girls night out on a weekly basis.

So my Gram pulls into the yard and I am like so talkative that this woman is trying to leave after just stopping in for a quick hello that she literally has to open my house door and walk out almost mid conversation.  Gram was by far not being rude, she was being really polite but I just wouldn’t shut the hell up!

I swear if I don’t get adult interaction on a more regular basis I am going to scare off any possible adult who would be around me for more than a few minutes.

I need a companion, a friend … anyone who wants to come hang at my house once a week. We can talk about stupid topics, we can have drinks, we can have snacks, I don’t care. I just want someone, an adult, to come have a little conversation with me once a week!

Is that too much to ask for?

The Mom Guilt Eats Me Up Everytime

I am someone who gets this guilt;

I yelled at my kids todayOh my gosh are they going to grow up with anger issues because I yelled one day out of thirty? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

Oh my gosh my kid has a sickness, could I have given them more orange juice or washed their hands more frequently or something to have avoided this horrible sickness? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

So  why is it so hard to believe that one of my three children could simply just have been born wired in a way to have a mood disorder? Why can’t I just realize this is who he is and I have been proactive in getting him into specialists for the past three years to ensure everyone was on top of his possible mood disorder.

I mean that is all one can do, fight as a parent for our child who can’t fight doctors and specialists for himself. I have done the best I can do and will continue to do the best I can do for my middle child.

After watching my five year old go downhill this past week and a half today is what finally hit me hard and made me want to just cry for hours. Instead I called @mommadjane and told her what’s going on and the funny thing is – she made me realize the good in what my son has and the good in the fact that I do have help and specialists are listening. Funny how I am usually the one trying to show MommaDjane the happy side of things and here I needed her on this day, but she came through and made me a little less sad.

So here we go again, I am wondering was it this or was it that? Is it how I felt when he was born? Is it the depression and how withdrawn from him I was when he was born? Honestly – NO – my sons counselor has assured me there is no way I could have caused a chemical imbalance for a mood disorder! It’s not possible! Even though that is relieving, I am still MOM and I still catch myself with those “what ifs” popping into my head every so often.

I just have to realize – this is not my fault just like it’s not my fault my sister has bi-polar – I didn’t cause my sister to be bi-polar although some days she would like to say it was me beating her up all the dang time as young children, it really isn’t my fault – no one “causes” a person to have a chemical imbalance which creates a mood disorder, such as bi-polar.

It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault — it’s just simply part of raising children – you take what you get and do the best you can with it!

Heading off to say that three times in the mirror so maybe I will believe it ;-)

Have Wonderful Weekend

I will be spending the weekend in NYC on Thursday and Friday then on Saturday & Sunday be working hard to get the kids wooden swingset tower set up so that they can have more outdoor toys to play with.

Currently the children prefer to play “corn wolf” in the small corn we have growing in the garden. It’s rather cute, they crawl (in the long grass – ew) and run after each other. Each time someone turns into the corn wolf they then must run as fast as they can because if the corn wolf touches you then you become a corn wolf. It’s so funny to watch these kids use their imagination.

So while I am off using my imagination for the weekend and getting things organized on the home front, I do hope you will find a way to enjoy the family time you can this weekend, make some awesome memories!

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