The Mom Guilt Eats Me Up Everytime

I am someone who gets this guilt;

I yelled at my kids todayOh my gosh are they going to grow up with anger issues because I yelled one day out of thirty? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

Oh my gosh my kid has a sickness, could I have given them more orange juice or washed their hands more frequently or something to have avoided this horrible sickness? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

So  why is it so hard to believe that one of my three children could simply just have been born wired in a way to have a mood disorder? Why can’t I just realize this is who he is and I have been proactive in getting him into specialists for the past three years to ensure everyone was on top of his possible mood disorder.

I mean that is all one can do, fight as a parent for our child who can’t fight doctors and specialists for himself. I have done the best I can do and will continue to do the best I can do for my middle child.

After watching my five year old go downhill this past week and a half today is what finally hit me hard and made me want to just cry for hours. Instead I called @mommadjane and told her what’s going on and the funny thing is – she made me realize the good in what my son has and the good in the fact that I do have help and specialists are listening. Funny how I am usually the one trying to show MommaDjane the happy side of things and here I needed her on this day, but she came through and made me a little less sad.

So here we go again, I am wondering was it this or was it that? Is it how I felt when he was born? Is it the depression and how withdrawn from him I was when he was born? Honestly – NO – my sons counselor has assured me there is no way I could have caused a chemical imbalance for a mood disorder! It’s not possible! Even though that is relieving, I am still MOM and I still catch myself with those “what ifs” popping into my head every so often.

I just have to realize – this is not my fault just like it’s not my fault my sister has bi-polar – I didn’t cause my sister to be bi-polar although some days she would like to say it was me beating her up all the dang time as young children, it really isn’t my fault – no one “causes” a person to have a chemical imbalance which creates a mood disorder, such as bi-polar.

It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault — it’s just simply part of raising children – you take what you get and do the best you can with it!

Heading off to say that three times in the mirror so maybe I will believe it icon wink The Mom Guilt Eats Me Up Everytime

 The Mom Guilt Eats Me Up Everytime

Have Wonderful Weekend

I will be spending the weekend in NYC on Thursday and Friday then on Saturday & Sunday be working hard to get the kids wooden swingset tower set up so that they can have more outdoor toys to play with.

Currently the children prefer to play “corn wolf” in the small corn we have growing in the garden. It’s rather cute, they crawl (in the long grass – ew) and run after each other. Each time someone turns into the corn wolf they then must run as fast as they can because if the corn wolf touches you then you become a corn wolf. It’s so funny to watch these kids use their imagination.

So while I am off using my imagination for the weekend and getting things organized on the home front, I do hope you will find a way to enjoy the family time you can this weekend, make some awesome memories!

 Have  Wonderful Weekend

Writing is My Therapy

Many people may read my blogs posts both here and at Happily Blended and think “wow this girl is rambling with run on sentences” and it’s true I do this often. The reason I don’t really care if I along winded post goes live on my blogs is because 1) it’s MY personal space, love it or leave it and 2) writing is therapy for me.

Sometimes a long winded, rambling blog post is simply me getting thoughts out of my head. I need to do this on a daily basis or else my head gets so consumed with thoughts that I can’t think straight and it’s difficult to function on a real life level.

Lately I have been battling depression, it’s something I have had with anxiety my whole life. I finally was able to train my brain to be more optimistic and truly believe in the law of attraction – all self taught, yet there is still that part of me who wants to curl up and sleep for days. If I didn’t have my children to need me to function I swear some months I would just take two days off from reality and curl up in bed all darn day.

This is why I am so thankful to have started writing online in blogs because I have found others who can relate to me. I have found an outlet for my thoughts so that I can remain a positive, happy person.  So when I start rambling just know it’s because my mind is full and I need to get it out or else I will explode.

 Writing is My Therapy

Needing Break but not Wanting One

It’s like I need a kick in the ass to get out of my house. I swear I am such a home body it’s not even funny. I would rather have company over, big BBQ’s and bonfires yet when it comes time for me to get out to visit someone else, I shrug my shoulders and just don’t want to go.

I recall when the boys father and I started dating that he played in a band on weeknights and I was prego with Aj so I could get out on the nights to see him practice when Ki was with her Dad. I always wanted to go, was totally game for it until it came time to actually put my feet out the door. J had to boot my ass out of the door because I would just get so nervous about going. Of course, I had a blast and enjoyed it when I got there, it’s just that initial kick I need to get me headed there.

As I sit around with children all week and all weekend long I find myself reading a good book and wishing I had that life, the grandparents that took the children so you could work on your relationship and keep it strong. The in laws that help you out, mine lived too far away to help although if they had been closer they totally would have helped us out.

I just long to have someone I can call up and say “hey can AJ and K sleep over tonight, I need some time alone?”. I don’t have that. Never have. No wonder marriage failed, I mean what marriage would succeed in the long run when intimacy and passion is important to you? Sure if you can stay in the mindset that “we are raising children now & our time comes later” then you can succeed in marriage, but when you are like me and it’s vitally important to have alone time with your loved one, it’s extremely difficult to not fail.

So .. I am at the point where I need a break but yet I can’t really get one and when I do get the time to get away I just don’t want to leave.

 Needing Break but not Wanting One

Heading to NYC for Ragu Weekend

And I can’t wait .. although I walk around my house looking at everything I need to get done around here and am having a really difficult time finding the OK in my head that I am going on this trip. I am heading to NYC with hours to waste when I first get there.

I recall my first and only trip to NYC, we drove the five hours there (I am flying this time), with three kids two of which were still in diapers. We got a great deal on a hotel from PriceLine but they only had one bed and I couldn’t get to sleep with the three kids in same room with one bed .. .no way. Also we drove a suburban there and man you can’t park that thing in the city anywhere .. it was a mess.

We did watch Bob The Builder at The Beacon Theatre and we loved it, but other than that I was ready to go home. Pushing two boys in diapers in a double jogging stroller isn’t like pushing it in the country. I also had my daughter who seemed to think we were still in our small town and attempted to walk a few feet ahead of me, ummm no not in a big city my daughter!

So as I head to NYC I am curious to see my experience there without children adn with some great company .. Ragu and bloggers!

 Heading to NYC for Ragu Weekend

Sleep Children, Just Sleep

In my household you never know when a child is going to sleep. I am trying to take the positive path and focus on the fact that someday my children will sleep more than I want them too and become extremely lazy, well I do hope this is wrong, but it could happen!

Some nights I can get four hours straight of kids being asleep then other nights I am lucky to get an hour of quiet time to work or even just clean out my email inbox so I can attempt my work in the office.

Luckily my son, who is now five, will be heading off to get his tonsils and adenoids removed as did his sister when she was having sleep apnea. I really do hope that having this surgery will help my five year old sleep longer than four hours at a time and get into a deep sleep because for his whole life, I don’t think he has ever been in a deep sleep.

Neither have I for that matter… sigh…

 Sleep Children, Just Sleep
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