Tend To Be Positive But ….

I lack the personality type to stand my ground with how I feel inside. I used to be so good at standing my ground and sticking up for what I knew to be best for my emotional well being but somewhere along lack of sleep and running hoops for my lovely children to have their special activities I got too tired to stand up for me.

The positive part of my life is that it works, sort of.  BUT if you talk to any of my close personal friends they will tell you it doesn’t work for me. Which is true. BUT I can’t seem to tell myself that in a way that helps me move forward & do something about it.

I tell myself that I am just too tired to make any logical decisions for myself. Sure I can parent and make decisions as a Mom in a logical way but when it comes to me and my emotions I just wonder if I make excuses to not deal with things.

I have so much on my plate already that I love and I just can’t handle one more decision to make. Not now. Maybe after the holidays I can but not now. So for now I focus on the awesome positive part of my life, I work from home to support my kids, I have more time for my kids and I get to enjoy the young years of all three children before they are teens and want nothing to do with me.

 Tend To Be Positive But ....

Running in Circles

That is how it feels most days. I have two kids to bring to school every day of the week, except my oldest who is brought by her father two days a week. Then I rush home grab my coffee and hop into the office to work til about 12:30pm. Then I have the afternoon with my youngest to spend running off his energy {and mine}. Then off to get kids from school and three days a week is soccer with one other day cheerleading. It seems I am running around like my head is cut off four days a week.

Finally Friday comes and no sports but of course there’s school and it’s Friday “Mom” so oldest wants to stay up and hang with me, I want to work but I want the time with her too. She goes to her Dad’s every other weekend so the weekends she is home are important to me.

I love it so much when my daughter’s father laughs out loud at me about my memory failing me and how overwhelmed I get. I mean seriously, he has ONE child and she is like the eeasiets child in the world so how can he LOL at me? I would love to see him live in my shoes for a few weeks non stop boys and dealing with AJ’s aggression some days. It’s no piece of pie I tell ya.

I am not complaingin by any means, I do realize one day I will miss this hectic life and not know what to do with my free time but some where, some time soon I need to realize that I am just as important as my children and get away some how for a night off. I really feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into this state of mind that makes my life feel like I am drifting along with no real emotion or anything in life. That isn’t healthy and it’s damn right scary to me.

So … as October 28th nears and I realize I will be 30 only once in my life, I plan to get away. Maybe rent a hotel room or something even if I am all alone just so I can have some peace and quiet for my birthday.

 Running in Circles

Excuse me, Do I have “Hit on me” Written on My head?

Okay so I am pretty outspoken, flirtatious and well a very passionate person. I mean no harm when I am like this, obviously I am not going to go hit on some married dude, nor do I really go out of my way to flit with men. The problem that makes females look at me oddly is that my personality is super bubbly most times and that type of personality, at least with me, comes off wrong, completely 100% wrong when speaking to the opposite sex.

It’s funny because I recall when traveling to an event that I had to remind some males that I am not hitting on them if I brush my hand on their arm or tap their shoulder or even give them a hug. I am not really that type of person to really think that because I just hugged you we have to go have sex now. I mean seriously, we are living in reality right?

I get it, I do love flirting with people and if they flirt with me I am bound to flirt back, but that’s it. I have boundaries and even though I am very deprived in the affection area I am not desperate.  Even when totally 100% drunk off my butt, I still won’t give it up so to speak unless obviously I was planning on doing that in the first place. LOL

In all reality I have kids and I have a business to run, I don’t have room to go off running around with men. I have little interest in being with any man because I have too much to deal with without thinking about a relationship. I need my life in order before any major relationship issues are handled or even figured out.

Right now … I just am getting really sick of the idea that men seem to think I have “hit on me” written on my forehead, I guess when I am 80 I will miss these days of men thinking I am hot in Pajamas, no make up and hair a mess, but right now I just don’t have time for the pick up lines – been there done that.

 Excuse me, Do I have Hit on me Written on My head?

That Almost Breaking Point

Do you ever get to that point where you feel as if you will simply break if one more thing gets tossed at you? I feel that way about my personal life all too often. The living situation I am in plays a toll on me because I am suppose to be focusing on simply raising the boys, getting through this tough time that is going on with my five year old and then from there start figuring out my own personal life.

The issue I have is that I can’t live with someone and yet still essentially be on my own. This means I throw my head into work, I dive head first into work so much that I can’t think of anything else I would rather do. I would rather find a mommy helper so I can work a few FULL days during the week. I don’t want to play because my “mommy brain” is just not creative.

This is no good for the kids, the whole point in how I am living right now is to make things easier on my children yet when I am almost to that breaking point and need to start doing reality checks .. is that really that good for my kids?

I am big on if you are happy as a parent then you will have happy children, my daughter has always been living proof of that, however, ever since I got divorced my situation has been so back and forth and up and down that I forget who I am and what is important to me as an individual. I have been too busy being mom, being “friend” and trying to make this situation work that I have lost me in the whole thing. I can’t live like this and I am ready to put down some ultimatums .. and I have never done that before in my life so this will require me to have a back bone and say what I mean, mean what I say.

Needing some positive thoughts, strength and determination shared by you all for me because I am having trouble finding my own.

 That Almost Breaking Point

Looking for a Pug or Puggle or Dog for Family

So I don’t want a huge dog, I don’t really know if I am ready for a medium dog either, although honestly I really would love for my kids to some day have a Golden Retriever as that is what I grew up with. Then we had Dobermans, love them too!

Right now, I realize how HUGE of a commitment having a dog is and I am trying to think this through and figure out the best breed or if I can even get a dog at all right now.

I thought about aopting a dog, but honestly its more expensive half of the time to do that than to look on Craigslist honestly and I don’t want to pay a huge fee, I just want to provide love and an addition to our family.

I don’t know … so I am curious – what type of breed of a smaller dog such as a Pug or Beagle size would work well for a family with three active children? I also want it to be a companion to me when the kids are busy…. looking forward to hearing tips/advice, etc. I took care of my mom’s English Mastiffs for a month and have had dogs so I do get the responsibility and $$ factor of vet bills .. just asking about breeds!

 Looking for a Pug or Puggle or Dog for Family
This entry was posted in Random.

I Just Want Conversation

So my Gram shows up yesterday and I swear my heart starting jumping because I see an adult pulling into my driveway. For you parents who work at home and are with kids 24/7 you understand what the sign of an adult pulling into your driveway feels like! Hell even the UPS and FedEx guys make me giddy for a short conversation with an adult.

Seriously .. I think I need a night life. Oh wait, too busy working & raising kids!

Anyways, I do get out of the house like once a month. Does that count? And usually it’s not to do a whole lot maybe movies or wait, actually, grocery shop?! Yeah … I would kill for a regular girls night out on a weekly basis.

So my Gram pulls into the yard and I am like so talkative that this woman is trying to leave after just stopping in for a quick hello that she literally has to open my house door and walk out almost mid conversation.  Gram was by far not being rude, she was being really polite but I just wouldn’t shut the hell up!

I swear if I don’t get adult interaction on a more regular basis I am going to scare off any possible adult who would be around me for more than a few minutes.

I need a companion, a friend … anyone who wants to come hang at my house once a week. We can talk about stupid topics, we can have drinks, we can have snacks, I don’t care. I just want someone, an adult, to come have a little conversation with me once a week!

Is that too much to ask for?

 I Just Want Conversation
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