Why Do Humans, Specifically Women, Over Analyze

It is always fascinating to me how we, humans, over analyze things. Men tend to not have this trait as often as females do; it seems men live pretty simply. Men know this is how it is and they go with it, again, not all men but a predominant amount of them seem to live life this way. Why is it then, that most females tend to second guess their own self? Why do we make an educated, heartfelt decision and then beat it to death with our over analyzing gene?

There is one theory that states woman have a better connection between thinking and speaking; this means most of us woman speak during our thought process. Women take the time to discuss their thoughts, where they are coming from and verbalize it. Men tend to think harder, ponder and then speak when ready. I am not sure if I feel either way is right or wrong, but I do think the fact that most women speak while going through the thought process can lead to over analyzing. Essentially men do the same thing, but no one is aware because they are not as vocal about it.

As it pertains to relationships, many women will analyze a man and the relationship because she has gone through experiences that led her to a path where certain things are unacceptable. Most women, at a certain age or stage in their life, realize what type of man will last long term with her. If that man exhibits a wide range of traits she sees as red flags, she will move on. NO questions asked, because her future  matters to her. That’s not to say men don’t do the same thing, women tend to think further ahead I feel than men who live in today.

I have held many conversations with men who admit that they haven’t really ever thought about tomorrow, they live in today and go day by day. As a parent, I have become a more proactive person; I live for today but I think about tomorrow in a productive, positive way. As a women and mother of three, I have certain needs that must be met as a mother as well as a women. Due to the fact that my middle child has special needs, I tend to analyze a lot of areas in my life. I need to ensure I am living for full happiness, as a whole, to ensure my children are progressing and thriving for their happiness as a whole.

Analyzing things helps me, as a woman and mother, to determine if my feelings are derived from hormones, stress or realistic expectations. Sadly, I can analyze something to death when I don’t like the outcome of my initial report, so to speak. I wonder why that is, why we question our thorough analysis of a situation? Can’t we have faith and confidence in our final decisions and reports?

I think experience and self worth plays a huge roll in how much we analyze something. I also think our gender plays a role. What I can say is this; I wish I would stop letting what other people feel get in the way with what I feel confident about for my future. I need to stand firm with all that is important to me, whether others agree, disagree or understand, at the end of the day all that matters is that I feel confident in my decisions. I am the one who has to live with my decisions, as well as my children, but my children usually can see me happier as I don’t make decisions lightly. When my children see me happier, they are happier. Period. Point Blank. That’s it.

I suppose my final analysis (being a woman and all) is that I believe women analyze things to death as a means to second guess ourselves based on experiences, the crowd we surround ourselves with and the simple fact that we get more flack than the men do when they  make decisions.

 

 

 

Be Sure not to Confuse “This Doesn’t Work” with “Difficult” #dating #blendedfamily

So you met the person of your dreams. You spend a year or maybe less sulking up the love, affection and happiness that comes with most new relationships. Then it happens. Your kids and their kids have to meet at some point, they all get along great. The kids adore each other. The two adults adore each other. Parenting techniques were discussed beforehand and things were seeming to blend together well.

Then it happens.

Things don’t seem so easy anymore. The situation appears to be something that you didn’t realize it was.

Blended families are difficult. You are essentially combining two different families together under one roof. Two parents, who probably don’t parent the same exact way, and two sets of children who were parented differently. Something has to give and communication has to become stronger than ever before.

The key to any relationship, especially a blended family one, is communication as well as respect, trust and honesty.

I think when times get tough, people just walk away. Since so many talk about marriages failing because people give up too soon, often times couples will beat their relationship to death and in turn dislike each other for it. When a relationship hits difficult times you need to take into consideration a lot of variables; specifically what your long term goals are as a couple and individual.

I can’t stress enough the importance of knowing what your own personal goals are as a parent and human being. This will play a key role in whether or not the relationship troubles are simply difficult times or most certainly, without a doubt something that isn’t going to work in the long haul.

Stay true to yourself. Do not allow any relationship to make you lose who you are. There is always room for negotiation on some subjects and scenarios, but never should you have to negotiate to a point of being broken.

Be aware of the other person’s responses to parenthood trials and tribulations, as well as your own. Do they match up? Are you on a simlar page or are you two so far apart that a light has shined down saying “this isn’t going to work?”.

No one else can tell you what is right for you and your relationship, you are the only person living in those walls with this other adult and their child(ren). The decision comes down to you knowing yourself inside and out.

If you have weighed all variables and found they are not playing a factor in this feeling of difficult times and really truly feel that this person’s parenting style or lack there of are not a good fit for both you and your children’s future, then you need to leave.

Relationships are difficult, but not all relationships we get into were meant to be. Take each failed relationship as a new learning curve in life. Learn from the experiences and never be afraid to be a single parent for as long as it takes to be the parent your children need. Your kids well being is dependent upon your well being both emotionally and physically.

If you don’t take care of yourself and make big boy or big girl decisions that matter, then how will ever expect your children to lead a fully happy life both as children and adults? You are the example to those little ones and they can pick up when things are not working out for their parent.

As a recap – Difficult means communication and realistic negotiations can mend the situation for the long haul in love and life. This doesn’t work means no amount of communication and realistic negotiations can work to rectify things.

Listen. Speak. Discuss.

Make a decision.

Move on.

Learn from the experience.

Words of Wisdom – A Fantastic Conversation with my Mom

My Mom and I have always had this rocky, sister-like relationship. I wish it were different, but as I have grown older, I have come to realize that I need to be thankful that I have a Mom. I also know that I do love my Mom, I wouldn’t wish any harm upon her. I came to realize that my Mom is being and has been the best Mom she knows how.

To be honest, the moment I accepted and realized I DO LOVE my Mom for who she is, a weight was lifted. I feel much more relaxed around my Mom. I also try my best to keep a connection with my Mom. We both lead busy lives and often misunderstand each other in communications, but I think we are working on that or at least accepting that sometimes we don’t “get” each other and that’s okay!

Respect. Love. Both will go a long way when trying to simply show someone that you DO care about them.

This weekend I spent a few hours visiting my Mom on Saturday, I knew I would be heading out Sunday to have a BBQ and visit my sis, niece and Dad so I thought Saturday would have been a perfect day to stop by and give my Mom a Mother’s Day Gift. I never expected to sit and chat for a couple of hours with her. It was, dare I say, really great!

Wisdom from My Mom RE: Blending Families

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

I learned a bit from that conversation; such as how hard it is to try to be in a relationship or meet that special one when you have children. There are so many factors that come into play when you are divorced and trying to make a relationship with a person who isn’t the parent of the children or who brings new children to the blended family unit; IS HARD.

For the first time in my life, I was seeing what I am hurting from and struggling with, in the eyes of my Mom who has been there and tried that.

I admired my Mom for her wisdom she shared and honesty; I found myself nodding, about how difficult it is to get someone else to accept you and your kids. How difficult it is to accept another person’s child(ren) coming into the picture with you and your children. It’s no easy task trying to blend a couple divorced families into one.

I won’t go on and on about our private conversation but I will say this, I left this conversation feeling confident that “I am normal” that the issues I am dealing with right now, things I am struggling with or questioning, are completely normal!

Like my Mom said, “Dating when you are trying to raise kids is very difficult!”

You see, she didn’t mean difficult for just the parents, it’s hard for both parents to accept and learn how to parent each others children, it’s hard for the two parents to step back and come down a middle ground to parent each set of children under one roof. It’s difficult. Very very much so. That’s not to say it’s impossible. Nothing is impossible if you have love and feel love for the other person … but I found myself saying that I simply just do better raising my three children alone, obviously with the help of their father’s, but I have to have life a certain way specifically for my special needs child and that doesn’t always mesh well with someone who hasn’t raised a special needs child or isn’t that personality type that can easily adapt.

Life is hard. Thanks to my Mom for making it feel a little more at ease this weekend. While I am still in a position in my life where I have a lot to think about, this conversation with my Mom made me realize that I actually have a lot more in common with my Mom than I had ever thought and it brought my heart/connection quite a few steps closer to her.

I Love you Mom.

 

Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

Are Some People Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

What’s True Love? This is True Love.

True love is something different for everyone. For me, it’s all about showing love in actions and affection versus just speaking of such love. This true love stuff was proven to be real for me this past weekend when …

True Love at Work

We have this counter in the home we bought this past July and the counter is awkward. The counter is one that is to your right upon walking into our home and has become a clutter fest of my second crock pot, a deep fryer, bills, paperwork, pocket book and so on. It’s a very large counter-top area because it covers what used to be an entrance to the basement. It sucks. To be honest.

True Love at Work

Now, normally the OCD of my fiance drives me up a wall. I am not joking when I say something and he jumps. This counter-top issue was no exception! I had been thinking for a while now that I needed some form of shelving on this counter-top to create a more organized space. I wanted a way to store our deep fryer and secondary crock pot as well as my large blender and smoothie blender. I literally had to say “hmm I really would love to have a couple of shelves in the kitchen, you know above that counter?!” and the man jumped. No kidding. He and I, at the same time, realized that we do have some lumber we could use to create such a shelf idea and the fiance went to work.

True Love at Work

This counter-top went from what you see on the left, which really doesn’t show the WHOLE area, to what yo see on the right. I am talking about one happy happy woman here. I honestly was reminded in this moment how my needs are also important to my fiance and he will do anything within his power to ensure that I am just as happy as he is …. together.

So there you have it, the way to this gal’s heart is by making her kitchen shelves. What is your one true love incident that made you swoon over the love of your life?