Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

This is a question I have pondered for quite a many years. Why? Well because no matter how many times I end up in a long term committed relationship, within a year something is always missing for me. I start to feel weighted, I start feeling alone. I look at my life and see that I am doing as much as I would be doing if I were living alone, but now I have to deal with another adult being in the house. That presence of another person just drives me bonkers – this goes for room mates, visitors and a partner. I just don’t like being around the same adult every single day. I enjoy having my space, my freedom to just sit in my house without anyone being around.

ID 100235570 Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?Take my kid free weekends. If I have been with someone for about a year, I start to wish they had somewhere else to be. I want them out of the home so that I can spend two solid days in complete utter silence. No other person’s energy, words or presence to agitate me. I enjoy my alone time, but see I enjoy my alone time much deeper than just needing more time to me. Get a hobby, some will say. Get out of the house, go have fun. You deserve me time, some will say. I do that. It doesn’t help anything. I slowly start to feel suffocated by the existence of another adult in my world.

The funny thing is? I never feel that way about my children. Although I do know I need that break I get every other weekend from my handful son’s, I never feel suffocated or as if they are too much to have around all of the time. I also feel that same way with my oldest, and only daughter, she is a joy to be around all of the time and even on her rough days, I don’t wish she wasn’t around. The presence of my children simply calms me, soothes me, makes me feel happy. There has yet to be another adult in this world that I can handle sharing my life with beyond one year. That’s just a fact.

Going into relationships or even upon meeting someone at first; I am honest in that I say I am a free spirit, I like change. I am that type of person who usually has a different new-to-me vehicle every year if possible. I also have moved a lot since losing my first home, prior to that home ownership, I moved at least once a year for various reasons. I remember when I signed the papers to my home and moved in, I started to question why did I even buy a home? I was a single Mom of one back then and knew I didn’t do well with being in the same place for too long. It’s just who I am and maybe has to to do with me needing more alone time to learn why I am that way. I enjoy analyzing myself and learning why I do the things I do. I then work on making it better, but I can’t make it better when I am feeling constantly drained of all happy energy.

I think the ultimate point I am trying to make here is that sometimes, some people are simply meant to be alone. I don’t mean forever. I am sure that each of us may have a special person out there, but I honestly enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it one bit. It gets lonely, sure. But what I am realizing, as I gain more female friendships, is that being alone isn’t all that rough. I would rather live alone than live with someone. I just don’t like sharing my world for long term.

Being in the same house with another adult is just too much for me. It brings on this feeling as if I am having the life choked out of me. The other odd fact I have found is that when I am a single Mom, living alone with three kids, I am better with finances than when I reside with another adult who has another income coming into the home. Go figure that one out? I haven’t figured it out.

I think time is necessary for me to truly come to a determination of what’s going on. I have spoken to a counselor and well he is pretty much in agreeance that due to me having a special needs child, it is going to be vitally important I have a partner {if I have one} that can fit into that. My middle child is going to require a lot of my attention and energy for the rest of my life. I need to be fully aware that I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEST OF ME in order to raise all three children, but specifically my special needs child. That is okay with me. I love my three children to the center of the Earth and back, I will always be their rock and love them unconditionally. Sadly, I just can’t ever feel that way for long term about another adult. I love people and I care for them but I am simply better off doing things alone. The rhythm gets messed up with another adult in the house, it really does and then I get off balanced which them makes the kids act amuck and then my life just spirals downward.

I refuse to do this. I need to rise above. I need to stop worrying about others and realize what is ultimately best for ME. For what is best for ME will be best for my KIDS and while change is always difficult, if it’s a positive change and I remind myself I JUST DO BETTER LIVING ALONE, then things will look up eventually. I don’t feel like I am broken, but maybe I do still have some things to work on with myself, and need time alone, living alone to work through them. I am okay with that, every day is about building on yourself …. and I can’t let my fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep me from being the best I can be and doing what I need to do to keep the best of me.

Many won’t understand, honestly most never do. But I believe that’s because most people I know don’t live life to ensure they are meeting their deepest inner happiness OR they were blessed to have met their perfect soul mate and couldn’t imagine life without them. I haven’t been there yet. I thought it was so, but again, after a year, it never sticks. And that says I need to work on me again, but first I need to place myself in a positive parenting position to ensure all of my hard work as a parent is going to continue to pay off. I have to be honest though, this time around, I am witnessing that a comfort zone has been approached and so I am seeing the person I am with in a whole new light, while I’ve tried to explain it to him, he doesn’t fully see where I am coming from. I do feel it’s not a 100% my issue, I think that I am me from day one and sometimes the people I meet end up being a far off version of who they portrayed themselves to be and since we moved in together at about six months of dating, this happened quicker than later.

I think most people need to follow that two year rule, 1 year to get to know each other and a 2nd year to figure out if that real version of the person works for your world. I don’t ever take enough time to remember that rule …. but I can’t live in sadness, anger and fear because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to be judged. I don’t mean judged by outsiders, either, I mean by family members. I have yet to live an adult life they seem to support EVER, except for a couple super close family members. I have to let go that I am not the person they want me to be and if they truly love me then being here, supporting me and my kids would be in the best interest of things. I can’t change others and others can’t change me – let’s learn to love and accept people for their honesty and commitment to being 100% whole inside and happy, whether you “approve” or not.

 

“Image courtesy of moggara12 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

 Are Some People Simply Meant to be Alone?

People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

You first start dating someone. It’s fresh. It’s new. It’s exciting! I call this the honey moon phase, okay I don’t call it that, everyone calls it that. The term was created long before my little heart was born, I am sure.  The thing about me though is that I don’t really go through a full honey moon phase with people. I tend to be pretty outspoken in a private setting, I am very aware of who I am and how I work. This means that I am also fully aware of what I need to stay happy in a relationship and I am not afraid to let the person know before we venture any further into a commitment.

With that being said, I also observe anyone I am dating to ensure I get how they work and what makes them feel happiness and love as a means to ensure I could be a good match for them. I am not totally selfish.

All too often I find that the people I meet love to portray a different person than who they are. So a year later or so, it all comes out and you are all like WTF. Sorry for the language, but seriously, that is the only way to describe the way it feels. You are told that certain things apply or the person is a certain way but after a year of being around them, you realize, something isn’t clicking right. This isn’t the person who you thought you were getting serious with.

I didn’t change, okay maybe I got more confident in my world and became a bit more outspoken, but other than that? I am still the same person being the same way, I just am a wee bit more outspoken, but that’s not something the person wasn’t aware of. I think maybe they just didn’t realize the full extent of my outspoken nature, especially during highly challenging times. I just get into those no-tolerance moods where I am so sick of the ignorance. I can’t help but open mouth and not insert foot.

I love it when I tell people, privately but openly, about things I need to stay happy in a relationship and they are all like yeah totally I want and need that too. Or they say yeah that’s me, I am that person. I wish more adults were truly aware of their inner self, what it is about them that is worthy of being with another person. I wish more adults took the time off from relationships to really know who they are and own who they are, no exceptions.

I am not saying there is no such thing as give and take as well as negotiations in relationships; of course there needs to be that. I am simply saying that the core of a person needs to be there and the person needs to realize that part of them. The part that matters most in life and relationships.

I am at that point of frustration. So many things have been made aware to me that I am struggling with looking back and wondering if there were signs before. Did I realize this and just ignored it based on the scenario I was in? Because for me, I seem to make similar mistakes in relationships. Every. Single. Time.

Like I tell everyone, “I am great at parenting and being self employed, but this relationship stuff gets me flustered”. So why is it a shock that I am here, contemplating what the F happened?! You shouldn’t be shocked. Nor should I.  Truth be told: I have been single as a parent far longer than in a relationship. That truth in itself lends a lot of insight into why it’s difficult for me to share my family with another human being, beyond co-parents.

I firmly believe in the two year rule – it takes one year to really get to know the true person and it takes another year to determine if you both can live with each other. Follow it. Embrace it.

 People Close to me Know this, So Why the Shock?

What’s True Love? This is True Love.

True love is something different for everyone. For me, it’s all about showing love in actions and affection versus just speaking of such love. This true love stuff was proven to be real for me this past weekend when …

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We have this counter in the home we bought this past July and the counter is awkward. The counter is one that is to your right upon walking into our home and has become a clutter fest of my second crock pot, a deep fryer, bills, paperwork, pocket book and so on. It’s a very large counter-top area because it covers what used to be an entrance to the basement. It sucks. To be honest.

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Now, normally the OCD of my fiance drives me up a wall. I am not joking when I say something and he jumps. This counter-top issue was no exception! I had been thinking for a while now that I needed some form of shelving on this counter-top to create a more organized space. I wanted a way to store our deep fryer and secondary crock pot as well as my large blender and smoothie blender. I literally had to say “hmm I really would love to have a couple of shelves in the kitchen, you know above that counter?!” and the man jumped. No kidding. He and I, at the same time, realized that we do have some lumber we could use to create such a shelf idea and the fiance went to work.

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This counter-top went from what you see on the left, which really doesn’t show the WHOLE area, to what yo see on the right. I am talking about one happy happy woman here. I honestly was reminded in this moment how my needs are also important to my fiance and he will do anything within his power to ensure that I am just as happy as he is …. together.

So there you have it, the way to this gal’s heart is by making her kitchen shelves. What is your one true love incident that made you swoon over the love of your life?

 Whats True Love? This is True Love.

Let’s Get Real – Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationships

I was watching this documentary the other weekend called America Reframed After Happily Ever After and it opened my mind to some areas that I should be working on, while I was aware of the areas the show just helped my fiance and I sort of nod our head in an agreement with this show in more ways than one.

photo 2 Lets Get Real   Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationshipsMy fiance and I have always had pretty decent communication skills, let’s face it when you meet someone who has three kids and you have two almost teenagers, well it’s going to require a lot of preparation to see if the blended family scenario will work. While you can never crease out all wrinkles in a blended family, you can at least go into it resting assured your combined children are not going to kill each other. The biggest factor to us starting our world as a couple or not, was whether our children would combine together well, meaning that they actually “liked” each other. And they did/do.

That was our first step in relationship, okay well technically our first step was meeting over coffee and conversation to see if we even would hit it off as two adults together. And we did/do.

Heading into the second part of our year together, meaning we have survived two winters and one full year together, this is now marking one year and about four months time … we are noticing the need to have a greater level of communication and honestly can be found discussing a variety of topics til the wee hours of the morning. The topics that we usually get stuck on are;

  • Staying positive and confident we will get back on top of finances after our first Winter season in newly purchased home.
  • How we are going to work with and handle various tidbits of details with his two teenager children and his ex wife.
  • What we can do for each other to be kinder and show more gratitude for our relationship.
  • Calling our own selves out on our mistakes, faults and areas we feel we should work on as a couple as well as an individual.

Do not get me wrong, we spend a lot of hours discussing our positive areas living together with my three children and his two occasionally visiting us. We have found that for the first time in forever, we are two people who simply balance each other. I have to give my fiance props for hanging in there through our second Winter season together; Winter is a very difficult season for me and this years was even harder than the last in regards to mood stability. We hung in there though and now as the sunshine comes out from the sky, the birds chirp in the air and we see that Spring has finally come, things are getting kinder and more relaxed around here.

One thing that my fiance and I knew going into our relationship is that nothing is going to be easy, nothing is going to go by the book and with five combined children, nothing is ever going to shock us. There are times where we just shake our head, because we had a feeling certain things may happen. It’s like we have been so comfortable in our skin in our relationship that nothing surprises us anymore. We work as a team no matter what comes about, but that is not to say that he does things that drive me bonkers and vice versa.

A good friend of mine once told me that we all have things that irk us, but things that irk us a bit are not always deal breakers. Each of us has a subconscious list of deal breakers; things in a partner that just won’t work with us. I have to be honest, there isn’t any of those things with my fiance. We both were talking last night about how we never talk badly about each other, there have been times this Winter where I vented but the end result was me dealing with my own issues raising an autistic child, juggling three kids schedules and trying to work during the slow season. Basically, anytime that I felt I wanted to walk out that door on my fiance, the man I committed to marry within the next year, really didn’t come down to him as an individual, it came down to the fact that I am not so easy nor selfless all of the time in a relationship scenario.

I have been so completely used to being alone or living as if I was alone that it’s extremely difficult for me to step back and realize that not only is it a wonderful skill to be a selfless parent, but it’s a wonderful addition to any relationship when you can be just as selfless to your loving partner! There’s still a ways for us to go but at the end of the day, we are happy to be together, we want our future with each other in it, side by side and what sells me the most is how my children look up to him as Agent Waffle, aka Dad # 2.

 Lets Get Real   Relationships are Hard Work #fiance #relationships

How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

Nothing irks me more than parents who refuse to parent.

Okay, maybe I lied.

I am irked by parents who *think* they are parenting by allowing fits to determine if they say yes or no to their child.

Okay, I am sure I could elaborate, but pretty sure most parents and even non-parents, get what I am saying here.

If not …. Google it.

Let me back track here …. so what I don’t like is when parents, specifically co-parents, decide that they will create their own mess. The mess they created was one that they thought the co-parent would pick up the pieces from because, well, that’s what that co-parent was used to in the marriage.

Funny thing is with co-parenting … it means YOU ARE DIVORCED.

Once two people go through the divorce process, they may be guilty of waiting things out, keeping the kids schedules somewhat similar to what they were used to. This really is a bad idea, it leads the kids down a path of holding onto something that is no longer really valid. When two people get divorced, or start living apart, they really need to set up a schedule for the children regardless of how old the children are. Both adults and the children involved in a divorce have the right to feel the emotions, and cope with the changes as soon as possible after the divorce has happened.

If you allow the scenario to play out just as if the two parents were married .. you are only enabling your children to hang onto a life that honesty is no longer going to be life as they know it.

What’s so much fun about co-parenting is that you both have to get over yourselves. Both parents have to realize just because they are divorced doesn’t mean it is a “bring it on” competition between who is the better parent or not. It’s about two people, grown adults actually, working together for the mutual benefit to raise their children properly. Why then, do so many co-parents spend a majority of their children’s lives simply pushing the children away from one parent versus the other?

Earth to co-parents … you two adults already decided that you don’t work well together. That you don’t play well together. So why  make the kids pick sides, they are suppose to love you both unconditionally irregardless of the fact that you can’t stand each other, the children are allowed to love both parents, even if you personally feel you are the better one.

Nothing is worse though, than watching as your ex spouse does everything in their power to speak ill of your moving on in life so that the kids eventually just take that side. After all, the parent who has the children the most will ultimately end up with the most pull on their emotional state and opinions regarding anything in their world. Sad really. That we don’t teach children to think for themselves, rather use them as a pawn for making your own insecurities become true.

Ever hear of the saying “you made your bed, now you can lie in it?” … well yeah that’s what happens when you work so hard to manipulate your children against the other parent. Eventually that parent realizes there isn’t anything they can do except sit back and watch this journey play out.

There is always hope that the children grow up, mature or what not and finally learn to think for their own self, but overall, there is nothing a co-parent can do to rectify the wrong decisions made by the primary parent. As with any parental situation, it takes two parents to be on the same page. Sadly many co-parents cannot suck up their pride and own internal issues for the sake of the children.

That means, the person who has created the wall between a co-parent and their children needs to deal with it, because sometimes the other parent simply cannot fix the damage one co-parent has done or continues to do.

It’s the-one-who-wrecked-havoc’s turn to step up and realize the mess they made. Hopefully they will choose the right direction to go from here.

 

 How About your Deal with your Mess That you Created?

We Seem to Always end up at Denny’s

It is rare that my fiance and I get a date night, meaning that while we don’t have kids every other weekend, we don’t spend money on dates. We spend much of our kid free hours at home organizing, cleaning and eating at home over a good movie. On occasion though, we like to try to save money to get out of the house for special date night.

Each time we decide we can spend a little money on a date night at a restaurant, we head to West Lebanon, NH where there are more restaurant style places to eat. Where we live there is mostly just the franchise chain restaurants and fast food. We wanted to go to Chilli’s or Applebees, but sadly their liens are always so long at this time of the evening when we decide to go out.

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We always end up at Denny’s. This is a place that offers breakfast all day round, yummy yummy! I don’t usually order a breakfast but still, it’s nice to have that option for the occasional visit with the kids who love breakfast menus.

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Denny’s never has a long line to wait in, while we have arrived with a few couples ahead of us from time to time, there isn’t ever that long of a wait to get seated and served. We decided to start with appetizers … zesty nachos sounded good.

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These happen to have jalapenos in them, and I happened to eat one. Wow, talk about my heart burning for a bit. It had a little kick but not too bad, as long as you don’t get a bite with a larger piece of jalapeno.

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For my dinner, I chose a prime rib type sandwich with yummy melted cheese, caramelized onions, mushrooms atop garlic bread of some sort. It was delicious. Oh my yummy yummy-ness, the taste buds were happy!

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Mister Lee, my fiance chose a burger that had swiss and mushroom and all sorts of stuff on it. He also asked for bacon to be added to this burger, sadly the waitress screwed up but she ended up giving him bacon for free, normally that was an extra $1 charge. Way to make up for her own mistake.

We had a great experience at Denny’s, as always. I am thankful for their delicious food, large servings (we always bring home food bagged) and their quick ways to get customers in to be seated and served!

 We Seem to Always end up at Dennys